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lodger behaviour

(130 Posts)
sue777 Sun 31-Jul-16 21:56:57

I've had a lodger for 2 weeks. I feel she's trying to take over the patio! It is a shared space, and as such, if we're both there, I find it natural to converse. This is my home, and if I'm sitting on the patio and she's there too, it's a tad awkward to be given cues from this lodger that I'm to shut up. She reads her book, and tries to ignore my social chit-chat. She sits there with head-phones on, which excludes any chance of social interaction. ... weird and uncomfortable for me to sit so close to someone in my own home, yet be prevented from being myself. I'm not bothered that she might not personally enjoy my chatter, (she doesn't have to like me) but I feel she is rude to do this. I have decided to absent myself 2 or 3 days a week, so as to give her some space. So when I AM there, I think it reasonable to have politeness. She has the use of a second reception room, (that I don't use). And the garden is big, with plenty of other outdoor spaces where she can be private and quiet if she so decides. I get the impression she wants me to either sit there in silence, or leave. I think that it's her who should take herself off to another spot if she doesn't want to be sociable AIBU ?

HeyNannyNanny Sun 31-Jul-16 21:58:52

Is this a reverse?

BillyNotQuiteNoMates Sun 31-Jul-16 21:59:06

Have you tried directly speaking to her about it?
I'm very much on your page, in that I am very sociable and would be driven mad by someone who didn't want to talk, but am prepared to accept that not everyone feels the same way.

GinIsIn Sun 31-Jul-16 22:02:50

What? You can't MAKE people chat to you - that's just weird!

ImperialBlether Sun 31-Jul-16 22:02:51

Some people can't be silent without other people feeling an atmosphere. Is that what she's like?

Realistically, this won't be a problem for longer than another month. What's she like if, say, you're both in the kitchen?

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes Sun 31-Jul-16 22:05:38

I'm not an inane chatterer. It's exhausting.

You don't break silence unless you can improve it. Let her read her book.

sue777 Sun 31-Jul-16 22:09:34

I absolutely agree no one can MAKE anyone talk. Yes- that would be weird. But equally, she can't stop me from acting socially (talking) when she's sitting right next to me. If she wants to block any social interaction, shouldn't she find another place to sit?

SlightlyperturbedOwl Sun 31-Jul-16 22:10:30

In the nicest possible way It sounds like really it is your problem not hers: she's obviously not worried about sitting with you in silence (on public transport people often take books just to signal they aren't up for a conversation). Many of us are happy to exchange a few pleasantries and then get on with sitting in peace and quiet. Personally it would do my head in to have someone blathering on inanely when I was trying to read in the garden. If the lodging deal includes use of patio then it's not unreasonable of her to want to sit and quietly use it is it? It's not like she's inviting people round and taking over is it?

Binkermum29 Sun 31-Jul-16 22:11:00

You are being far too sensitive for your own good and she is NOT being impolite. You have a commercial arrangement with her, not a personal relationship. If I was sitting somewhere reading my book I would be absolutely furious with someone - anyone - trying to chat with me. And unless you had specifically said that the patio was out of bounds to her, why on earth shouldn't she sit there, whether you're there or not?
If you'd wanted a companion rather than just a lodger you should have advertised for one.

sue777 Sun 31-Jul-16 22:11:19

Hey nanny nanny. What do you mean "is this a reverse?"

Scarydinosaurs Sun 31-Jul-16 22:12:34

How on earth is it up to her to move when it is you who feels awkward? What do you do when on the patio? If she wasn't there, what would you do on the patio? Because surely you just do what you did before, just as she is enjoying the patio without requiring interaction with you.

MackerelOfFact Sun 31-Jul-16 22:12:36

If you feel uncomfortable with someone living their own seperate life in your own home then maybe taking on a lodger wasn't the best idea! Did you know her beforehand, or speak to her much first to see if your personalities and expectations were compatible?

FWIW if she's ignoring you I think it's safe to say you don't need to be too inhibited around her - she's not paying attention so just act as though she's not there.

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes Sun 31-Jul-16 22:13:59

You could reduce her rent and exclude the use of the garden.

Would that work?

Lesley1980 Sun 31-Jul-16 22:14:46

My mum can't sit in silence. other people can be sitting quietly reading, typing or watching TV & she keeps talking. You sound the same. Polite chat is fine but it sounds like she just wants to sit on the patio & read a book without being interrupted

SlightlyperturbedOwl Sun 31-Jul-16 22:14:51

Also I don't think you should feel you need to absent yourself to give her space. It's your home too. Just go about your own business and let her go about hers.

Iloveowls2 Sun 31-Jul-16 22:14:59

I hate small talk and like to relax with a good book. I would put headphones on toi if I was sat in the sunshine reading and someone was talking about (probably) pointless crap.

MsVestibule Sun 31-Jul-16 22:17:28

What would you be doing if she wasn't there? Reading? Listening to your own music? Quietly contemplating life? Just do whatever you would be doing if she wasn't there!

I honestly don't understand why you think she should be forced to converse with you when all she wants to do is read her book or listen to music. She's your lodger, not your DP confused.

AtSea1979 Sun 31-Jul-16 22:18:24

Seems very odd. Why do you feel the need to talk? If she wasn't there what are you doing on the patio? Gone to sit and relax and enjoy the peace?

SaucyJack Sun 31-Jul-16 22:18:44

Can you re-arrange the patio so that you both have separate areas to sit in so that you won't feel so awkward?

I can't tell from your post whether you feel you should be "hosting" her in your home, or whether you feel she is a guest who is there to socialise with you- but neither are true.

The lodger thing is always a bit difficult to start with while you both get your heads round an appropriate amount to chat to each other, but you need to respect her signals.

It's her home too now, and if that gets your back up then you need to look for a new line of business basically.

sue777 Sun 31-Jul-16 22:19:25

thanks for your messages. useful. My point is /was, that if she doesn't want to be social, she is the one who should toddle off to another spot. I don't want a companion. It's her who initially made an assumption that we'd be having "lots of fun evenings together" -her words. And it was her who started off literally following me around on day 1 and 2, and telling me far too many private details about herself. I'm reluctant to raise this directly with her, in case I'm being unreasonable.. hence the question. And the feeling I'm getting is, it's me who should get up and leave. But I still question that x

BeenThereDoneThatForgotten Sun 31-Jul-16 22:20:28

My dh always insists on the radio/music etc being on when we are sat in the garden. He even purchased a fancy Bluetooth speaker thing so we can always be subjected to Steve Wright etc. I love to sit quietly with a book and hate perpetual noise and small talk most of the time.

MsVestibule Sun 31-Jul-16 22:20:35

Oh, and a 'reverse' is when the original post is so unbelievable that some people think it has to be written by the 'other person', in this case your lodger, in order to garner sympathy for them.

Wondermoomin Sun 31-Jul-16 22:21:40

YABU. Why would either of you need to get up and leave? Of course you don't need to. You can both enjoy the patio without the chatter. IMO it's you being impolite by trying to engage in discussion with someone who's obviously just trying to enjoy their book in the fresh air!

MsVestibule Sun 31-Jul-16 22:22:40

And the feeling I'm getting is, it's me who should get up and leave.

But WHY do you think that you should leave? What is she doing to make you feel that way, apart from not talking to you?

SlightlyperturbedOwl Sun 31-Jul-16 22:23:04

Don't leave, just sit quietly with a book or magazine yourself

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