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AIBU?

Aibu to not go to funeral

97 replies

Pixienott0005 · 31/07/2016 18:27

I know how this is going to sound to some but I still need advice all the same so here goes:

DH gran died 2 weeks ago and her funeral is next Tuesday. She was 91 just died in her sleep. I met her a few times and she was a lovely lady. It's a sad loss and I've been supportive to my husband who is really upset over it.

It's a busy time at the office and that week I am needed for some high level support while our a Finance Director is on leave. I've swapped my day off to be able to attend the funeral but it wasn't easy because that day I am needed to go to a meeting and I really should be there but never mind. It can't be reschedule either.

The funeral is in Newcastle and I'm in Truro so it is a bit of a treck. I do not get on well with DH family and I am dreading having to spend a night with some of them and then the actual day of the funeral. There's always tension between us and something always occurs whether it be a snide remark regarding DS (they think they are the highlight of his life) or some condescending comment or other.

Also my DH wants to take our son who is just 1 to the funeral which I think will be a nightmare. I mean why would he need to go?

Would I be unreasonable to not got and keep DS here, or say DS can go and I stay here alone.

OP posts:

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Sirzy · 31/07/2016 18:29

Your husband is really upset about the loss of one of his relatives. Of course you should go with him to support him.

AllPowerfulLizardPerson · 31/07/2016 18:32

If my DH was really upset about a bereavement, I'd be moving heaven and earth to be there to support him.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 31/07/2016 18:33

I think if DH wants you there, then it would be a good idea to support him. I'm not so sure about taking a 1 year old. I'd also be unhappy about staying with family that I didn't get on with. I'd do it, of it was absolutely necessary, but I'd be suggesting that it might be better if you all stayed in local B&B/ hotel and that you either left DC with someone during the service itself, or that you sat near the back so you could remove him, if necessary. Take him to the wake afterwards. Small children screaming in a service doesn't really do much for me, and even worse if it's a funeral. My sympathies to your husband.

retainertrainer · 31/07/2016 18:34

I don't think it's unreasonable for you not to go-DH is a grown man,he'll be surrounded by his family. I think I'd keep the baby at home though.

How does your husband feel about it? If he really wants you there is make the effort,if he's happy to go alone then there's no guilt needed.

LolaStarr · 31/07/2016 18:34

You should go and support your husband. I personally wouldn't take a small child to a funeral, especially a 1 year old, just personal choice though, I know others who have.

abigwideworld · 31/07/2016 18:35

YWBU not to go and support him, however YANBU about the 1 year old attending.

Sirzy · 31/07/2016 18:35

Presumably his family want to see the baby though? Will probably provide a lot of comfort to them so I don't see the issue with that either!

Sparklesilverglitter · 31/07/2016 18:36

When my DH has been really upset by breavement in the past I have done all I can to change my work schedule to go to the funeral in support, my DH has done the same for me.

Offering support on days like that is part of any relationship.

flossietoot · 31/07/2016 18:38

You should go to the funeral. Save long term bad feeling

NicknameUsed · 31/07/2016 18:39

I think funerals are as much about supporting the bereaved as showing your respects. If your husband wants you there you should go. I imagine his family might be pleased to see your DS as well.

Truro to Newcastle is quite a hike though. I don't envy you the journey.

Eatthecake · 31/07/2016 18:40

If it was my DH I would do all I could to go.

Yes DH is a grown man but sometimes in life you want/need support from the person you are closest too which is normally your dp/DH/dw.

I have taken my DC to family funerals when they were younger, that was my personal choice though and no it wasn't a nightmare.

Rrross1ges · 31/07/2016 18:42

A one year old child? No. Your husband goes, you stay home with the baby.

Amelie10 · 31/07/2016 18:47

It's all about what you want, what about supporting your husband. If he wants you there then being a good, caring partner you wouldn't even question it.

LynetteScavo · 31/07/2016 18:47

I was going to say you should go..but you shouldn't take your 1yo all that way and back.. And my usual opinion is that babies and toddlers should go to funerals.

Don't go, and don't let your DS go.

davos · 31/07/2016 18:47

I have no issue with young kids at funerals. They can bring some joy, especially afterwards.

I buried my grandfather a few weeks ago. I would have been gutted if dh would have said he couldn't have come because of work and couldn't put up with my family.

Lunar1 · 31/07/2016 18:49

You should support your husband. But if you chose not to, you can't tell him not to take ds. You are equal parents and it may comfort you husband to have his child with him, the whole circle of life thing.

cricketballs · 31/07/2016 18:51

You need to be thinking of DH's needs not yours at this time. He wants to take DC and needs your support therefore that is what should happen

aginghippy · 31/07/2016 18:53

If your dh wants you there, you should go and support him. Make him your focus and ignore any snidey comments from others.

Some people find it comforting to see babies at funerals. Of course ds doesn't need to go, but if it makes your dh and other bereaved people feel better, then surely that's a good thing.

I agree with pp, good idea to stay in a b&b/hotel so you can have some space to yourselves.

LemonadeRingOnIt · 31/07/2016 18:54

Sorry - agree with PPs. It's not about your relationship with the deceased/rest of family, it's about supporting your husband.

Goingtobeawesome · 31/07/2016 18:56

I suspect your DH wants the baby there to show off, give him comfort, give him someone else to think about and to have him close. He should take the baby but as for you, if you can't go with full support you shouldn't go. Unless DH doesn't want you there.

UnexpectedBaggage · 31/07/2016 18:58

YWBVU not to support your DH and selfish.

paxillin · 31/07/2016 18:59

No question, you should go. It would be really petty and mean not to be there for him and his granny. Busy office, bit of a treck or some tension in the family are no excuse.

Becky546 · 31/07/2016 19:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedAnotherGlass · 31/07/2016 19:07

I think it really depends on how much your DH does want you there.
My DH lost is grandparent when I was at home with a baby. He was happy to go on his own and I stayed behind to look after our baby. That made far more sense.
I think it's a perfectly reasonable suggestion for you to stay at home but if he really wants you there, you should make the effort.

AlpacaPicnic · 31/07/2016 19:13

Are you able to fly from Newquay? I'd go, sit still the back with the baby "in case he cries" poke him to make him cry and then use him as an excuse to pop out and jiggle him about.

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