Does anyone else have parents who won't apologise?

[ginplease83]

Does anyone else have parents that won't apologise?

My Mum has completely ignored what I've asked her and told a particurily awful aunt of mine (who is known for stirring and basically giving you the spanish inquisition until she's got knowledge of whats going on in your life so she can tell everyone else) that Im being induced 3 weeks early. i didn't really want anyone to know, the reasons why Im having it done is because I've got health problems both mental and physical. I don't want them being gossiped about and i don't want people trying to text me or her making snide comments about me not having a natural birth. My Mum also told my aunt my name choices and i got a barrage of texts of name suggestions.

My Mum said in conversation that she'd told her and that my aunt had asked why, she said 'oh she's anxious', I of course said i was upset shed told her as i had gotten texts from the same aunty asking if i had news for her. Mum then said 'well nobody knows when the baby is going to come'. I said 'Yes we do, its the date', she replied 'well it might come before, aunt doesn't know does she'. i said 'Mum did you tell her or not because she's been texting me asking' (aunt did the same when mum told her gender text me 'do you know what you are having' (when she already knew as mum told her). Mum then hung up on me. I tried to ring back but she wouldn't pick up.

AIBU to think it would be nice to get an apology as this has made me more anxious (I am not going to get an apology, neither her or my dad apologise to us about anything even if they are blatantly in the wrong) and does anyone else have parents that won't apologise regardless???

[DonkeyOaty]

Actually you don't want parents who apologise. You want parents who don't blab your private stuff.

You know your parents can't be trusted to keep gobs shut (potential baby names, date of induction) so from hereon in, keep the flow of information from you to them as bland and non specific as you can

[brucebogtrotter]

Yes, me too. The answer is to stop sharing private information with her if she can't be trusted to keep it to herself. My own mother currently isn't speaking to me about something that is completely and utterly her fault. It means we don't have the usual close mother - daughter relationship but I'll be damned if I'm the one to try and sort things out when she absolutely just refuses to accept she's at fault.

[WhoAteAllTheDinosaurs]

My parents have never apologised to me in the 34 years I've known them. Not for making fun of me, not for ignoring our fertility treatment, not for throwing a strip when I told them the sex of our much longed-for subsequent baby, not even for refusing to speak to me for a month after I left a job that was making me severely unhappy (yes, really!)

The older I get the more I realise that they live in their own world and they can be very selfish. I never want to be like that with my DD and hope I'm not. But it still hurts.

OP

[ginplease83]

My dad died earlier this year and I thought I'd grown close enough to trust her. I've put her first for my entire pregnancy sorting everything for her and I'm F&@king exhausted 🙁 Part of the reason for the induction, I've got prenatal depression and anxiety

[DonkeyOaty]

Gin I am so sorry

[brucebogtrotter]

Just a word of warning about the birth - my mother came to the hospital to see my son, and shared all the details with a relative, knowing full well he was only interested so he could post on Facebook and bask in a barrage of attention. Which is exactly what he did, and as I was yet to make any announcement myself, what with being in hospital with birth injuries, I was absolutely raging. I implore you not to share till you're ready.

[ChubbyBubby]

Yes, mum never apologies and it's one of the things which means we have a poor relationship. To me a sincere apology goes a long way and I respect people who can acknowledge when they're in the wrong.

[KC225]

Yes. My mother. She claims it's only a word. But so is love. I vowed never to be the same and I am not. Will say sorry and will admit when I wrong

[ZippyNeedsFeeding]

My parents have never felt that they needed to apologise to me. Not because we have such a loving and close relationship (we don't), but because the bastards have never, ever been wrong about anything in their entire lives.

I used to run after them and apologise for stuff that was clearly their fault, in the vain hope that one day they would see my devotion and actually like me. No more. They are currently ranting and foaming at the mouth because of something I've done. I'm letting them. They only complain to other people since I'm too disgusting to talk to and that suits me. They are elderly, so there is every chance that they will die and we still won't be reconciled. I don't care about that either- I've decided that since there is clearly no happy ending here, I will go with the minimum earache option.

[ZansForCans]

Yes, my mum is like this and I've distanced myself from her, v. low contact and never tell her anything, and nor do my siblings.

It's funny, I only realised that she never said sorry properly and never took responsibility for anything, quite late on, when I was in my 30s. I grew up with it and it took me a while to understand that not everyone's mum was like that!

She will sometimes say the word sorry when she's really put on the spot - but she will start to cry and get all self-pitying and make out that you're being mean to her so it's like "oh sorry, I can't help being such a poor ickle helpless child, poor meeeee!" which doesn't really help

[BendydickCuminsnatch]

Yep - well, FIL. He was V mean to me and now openly dislikes me, the closest he's ever got to apologising to me was 'I'm sorry you were upset'. Argh! Worst kind of apology.

Annoyingly they are moving from 5hrs away from us, to 5 MINUTES away from us. Nightmare!

[Grilledaubergines]

Yes. My mother makes me so sad. The way she speaks to me, siblings, dad. She is spiteful and hurtful and uses DC to pass her spite on. That makes me sad. I've tried to make excuses for her over the years because she had quite a harsh upbringing. She was physically violent to me in my teens, landing me in hospital. She never said sorry. I love her because I have to and I hate her because she represents everything I hate about humans. I am terrified I will turn into her, completely terrified.

[Grilledaubergines]

Sorry, that was a bit away from the subject. OP, try to give her very limited information. It's the only way you'll control her mouth.

[LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF]

Very sad, but you've learned an unfortunate lesson about trusting her. I keep quite a bit from my mum, not because I think she'd blab but because she just doesn't engage her brain before opening her mouth! She and my sister have had awful rows, often when my sister has confided in her about her anxiety issues. It's usually my sister who apologises, not because she is in the wrong, but because otherwise my mum will do a marathon sulk, and my sister just wants to keep the peace. Try not to dwell on it, and the very best of luck with the new baby!

[Glitterspy]

Mine neither. But then, she has nothing to apologise for - she's never in the wrong!

[Glitterspy]

Zans were we separated a birth?! We seem to have the same parent...

[tibbawyrots]

I think I must be a triplet with Zans and Glitter!

[ginplease83]

That's what my DH says- she clearly can't contain it. She's the same re making herself the victim, she'll say she's really sad etc. I hate it. I hate that she changed her story as well so not only opened her gob but then lied about it.

I'll be in the wrong for keeping my distance now she's living on her own. If I didn't I'd probably lose it. The past 4 months I've done her probate, organised the funeral, sorted out all her insurance policies, looked after her, dropped everything when she's been upset, worked, looked after my toddler, had cardiac tests due to my dads death and I'm so tired. I'd do all of these things again as he was my dad. Though you'd hope she's have more compassion than to just hang up on me.
Re the birth I didn't think about that. She was ok last time I'll announce it as I hang up from her

[ginplease83]

DH just reminded me that ironically a few days ago she told me to be careful what I told my aunt as shes a gossip

[KayTree87]

So sorry op your mother sounds awful and so does your aunt. I would stop running around after her and defiantly stop telling her important/personal information, keep it on a need to know basis from now on. Most importantly time to focus on you and your lovely baby when he or she arrives.

[Mouikey]

Hey Gin, Please don't see having your baby, in whatever way he/she arrives as anything but natural. Induction increases your hormones to help get you into labour perfectly normal, perfectly natural. whatever happens try and plan for it positively, and only try to control the things that you can (music, relaxation and hypnobirthing, food, drink, etc.), try not to stress over the other stuff out of your control - that's why the Drs and midwives are there - let them take that pressure 😊

As for your mum, well you know what you can and can't tell her without it being passed on... You can make a decision about what you tell her - your choice, your control. She won't apologise as she won't believe that she has done anything wrong, you could sit down and tell her you are very upset and you should be able to trust her without passing information on. Tell her straight that you won't confide in her if she can't demonstrate she can be trusted. Sorry you have this going on, but good luck with your birth xx

[LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF]

Yep, my mum also very skilled at being the victim. I'm sorry for the loss of your dad, and unfortunately these things do highlight problems in parent/child relationships. My mum is always 'hurt' or 'distressed' when my sister tells her she's having issues with her anxiety. She seems to think that because my sister has confided in her, that she is somehow blaming her (she has never said anything of the sort - just wanted to talk in a safe place). It does seem that after my dad's death this has escalated, but even before that, as a teen, I remember getting comments such as 'You're making me ill' if I got less than an A on schoolwork! Forget the apology, if she hasn't offered you one by now, it would probably be disingenuous anyway. Sorry you are going through this so close to the birth.

[Inshock73]

Gin I have a MIL who not only never apologises but will try to manipulate the 'truth' behind what has happened to make me feel I'm in the wrong and being unreasonable. She keeps overstepping the mark with my DD but we will tell her not to we're met by tears and lots of 'I can't do anything right, I'm just trying to be a good grandparent' when she's blatantly interfering and overriding our decisions. You have my sympathy x

[ginplease83]

Inshock73 mines the same she's got a thing about trying to get my toddler to drink bloody juice. I don't want her to have damn juice, we don't buy it and water will do thanks!

[ginplease83]

Thanks everyone, I do feel bad that she's probably on her own this weekend but better that than me bite her head off as I'm pretty upset with her myself. I'm going to have 10 mins off toddler chasing and rest my back - am measuring 37 weeks at 33 so my already broken coccyx is getting a crushing.