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To want to tell this mum to shut up? *lighthearted rant*

(29 Posts)
BrownBirdsFly Sun 31-Jul-16 09:13:59

I am a first time mum to my DD 4 months old. She is a lovely, happy, healthy baby and I am loving being a mum - however she is a terrible sleeper! I am very sleep deprived, but feel lucky to have a healthy baby and feel this sort of comes with having a baby anyway!

I have a mum friend who's baby has always been a good sleeper, even though her baby is also breastfed the baby sleeps from 8-8 and pretty much always has.

Where I'm getting annoyed is that she keeps giving me helpful advice about how to get my baby to sleep. I am a very organised routine led person, before I had baby I read Gina Ford, makes perfect sense I thought, my baby shall follow this routine (I was an idiot!). For the first six weeks she refused to be put down, at all. She screamed as soon as I did. I ended up wearing her in a sling for the first six weeks of her life whilst feeling terrible that I was spoiling her etc... And do you know what... She grew out of it - like Mumsnet said she would!

She hated her co-sleeping crib and after many many battles (and heating it with a hot water bottle, raising it on a slant, putting one of my tops in there, padding it out with towels, buying Ewan the dream sheep etc etc.) have ended up co-sleeping. She wakes 4-5 times a night and when your spending 90 minutes getting her in the crib only for her to wake up hungry half an hour later sleep deprivation forces you to take action - in our case co-sleeping!

Anyway, my friend keeps giving me great advice as to how she got her baby to sleep - just put her down drowsy but awake, don't feed her right before bed, don't let her nap in the rocker/bouncer in the day etc etc. I know she's trying to be helpful, but I really feel we just have two different babies and if she'd had my baby despite the parenting style, my baby still would not sleep! I feel this is confirmed by speaking to parents who have done exactly the same with two children and ended up with one great and one terrible sleeper.

AIBU for wanting to tell her to shove her advice - that I'm actually a reasonably intelligent person and if there was an easy way to get my baby to sleep I would have found it by now and that the cause of this is not anything I have done but just a result of my babies personality?!

Grassgreendashhabi Sun 31-Jul-16 09:18:58

Remind her that all babies are different.

And also say that maybe she might get a shock if she has number two as no two babies are the same

My attitude is ill take and listen to all advice and use what works for me.

If her routine worked 100% on everyone else's children she would of written the equivalent to the bible. She would be worth a fortune

humblesims Sun 31-Jul-16 09:21:35

You sound like a very sussed mum. If I could give new mums one peice of advice it would be to take all advice with a sweet smile and huge pinch of salt. You are quite right, your babies are different and you do well to trust your instinct and do what works for you and baby. I spent many painful nights when my first born was a baby controlled crying (him and me) and I regret it with every fibre of my being. And if I ever met Gina Ford I would shove her book where the sun dont shine.

Ubercorn Sun 31-Jul-16 09:22:22

I have three children and I've done exactly the same with all three of them in terms of how I put them down to sleep. I've had one good sleeper, one brilliant sleeper and one terrible sleeper. Terrible Sleeper ended up co-sleeping with us purely because it was the easiest way for us to all get some sleep.

Terrible Sleeper at four months was still waking up in the night. Looking back now I realise that this is fairly typical baby behaviour and I simply got lucky/spoiled with the other two.

If you haven't asked for advice then your friend is being unreasonable to offer it, especially if she's being pushy. How good a friend is she and how badly do you want to keep her as a friend? If you want to keep things friendly then grin, say "that's nice" and change the subject or politely tell her "I'm doing what works for us and we're happy with it, thanks". If you're not that bothered about staying friends then tell her to fuck off and that you hope any future DC she has don't sleep until they're ten.

Snowflakes1122 Sun 31-Jul-16 09:22:34

She sounds like she is so my trying to help.
I can see how the advice would be annoying though. If probably just lie and say my baby was sleeping through now so she stops the advice!

Snowflakes1122 Sun 31-Jul-16 09:23:20

I meant to type Just "not so" my. Stupid iPhone!

53rdAndBird Sun 31-Jul-16 09:23:30

YADefinitelyNBU! Well done for not lamping her one with a Ewan the Dream Sheep wink

It's probably worth at least a bit of gentle hinting, if you don't want to tell her outright to can it - "You're so lucky that worked for your little Ermintrude! Wish it worked for mine, hahaha. Oh well, all babies are different, aren't they?" Might stop you seething quietly on the inside until you explode at her one day...

Salmotrutta Sun 31-Jul-16 09:24:41

You are absolutely correct OP - all babies are different.

It isn't one size fits all!

I was extremely lucky and had two babies that settled very easily - but it wasn't down to my superior skills. It was just down to the fact that they were easily settled babies!

Do what works for you!

Laquila Sun 31-Jul-16 09:26:07

You sound very sensible and YWBU to politely remind her that all babies are different, that you don't need any more unwarranted advice, and that actually you're finding it quite frustrating being talked down to in this way.

You're absolutely right though - baby sleep is 15% about teaching your baby good sleep habits, and 85% pure luck (in my non-scientific opinion!)

peneleope82 Sun 31-Jul-16 09:26:13

If it's her first she probably thinks she's the reason her baby sleeps well (and she might be partly).

But my two were both fed and parented the same way. My first needed rocking/bouncing/pushchair to sleep and I stopped night feeds using controlled crying at 10 months.

My second will fall asleep completely unassisted, has done since he was born and hasn't woken for a night feed since he was 6 weeks.

Babies are different. I would airily say that to your friend every time she offers you advice.

youarenotkiddingme Sun 31-Jul-16 09:30:09

She probably can see how much the tiredness is having an effect and wants to help.

But there's great saying that help is on,y help if it's helpful!

Just tell her. Say thankyou for the advice, it's great you care. But I've tried lots of different things and they don't work for my baby. Co sleeping is working for us now so I'm going to stick with it. Could we talk about something else because the sleep is already a big part of my life and I want a break from it. Then change subject to weather, eastenders of something else totally non baby related!

Stevefromstevenage Sun 31-Jul-16 09:30:09

Tbh if she kept giving advice I would just tell her less. My response about my 3rd baby's not sleeping was he was doing exactly what he was supposed to do. No one knew what to make of that but it was the truth.

WhimsicalWinnifred Sun 31-Jul-16 09:32:06

As already said, remind her that all babies are different but also that she is a massive dick.

If it helps my dd was terrible at first and then from 12 weeks was 12-5.30 and got better and better until the exact day I went back to work and was a nightmare ever since. I never bragged but this mothers day will cone and yours will be sleeping like an angel then.. .

Grassgreendashhabi Sun 31-Jul-16 09:35:06

Just like to add that one day your friend might be hit by the nightmare of sleep regression.

I was very happy that it happened to a self righteous friend of mine.

LifeInJeneral Sun 31-Jul-16 09:40:42

It's just like no two adults are the same, I have many friends who have far worse bedtime routines than I do but get to sleep far quicker than I do and don't wake up as often. Why should babies be any different?

BrownBirdsFly Sun 31-Jul-16 09:41:04

Bless you all for your lovely responses- you've made a very tired first time mummy feel much better.

I do believe she thinks she has some amazing parenting skills and that I need some form of coaching 🙈 Whilst she is a great parent I do feel she's just got lucky with a good sleeper! I feel lucky that my baby is so happy in the day which more than makes up for the nights.

Great advice as well about just telling her everything is ok now. I hadn't thought of this. I always try and be honest about my babies downfalls - but I may have to sugarcoat DD to this mum just for a bit!

Thank you all xxx

milpool Sun 31-Jul-16 09:43:02

How old is her baby? She might find that this golden time doesn't last!

The vast majority of breastfed babies wake frequently in the night. My 14 month old has only recently slept through (8 solid hours! 8!) twice in the past couple of weeks.

You sound like you've got your head screwed on. Thank her for her opinion and be gracious if her baby suddenly stops sleeping wink

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Sun 31-Jul-16 09:45:46

Ha, I completely understand. Like when I said my son had gone off vegetables I got, "have you tried carrot/sweet potato/every other vegetable on earth". Yeah no didn't think I'd try different vegetables...

It's sweet that she cares enough to want to help you out but it is irritating when she has so little experience anyway (and has probably just been very lucky).

Do you mind co-sleeping though? If you and your baby are both happy that's all that matters. YANBU.

NovemberInDailyFailLand Sun 31-Jul-16 09:47:17

Meh. My DD slept all the time. My first DS screamed all the time.

BrownBirdsFly Sun 31-Jul-16 09:54:16

Honestly, I never wanted to breastfeed. I never wanted to wear baby in a sling and I certainly never wanted to co-sleep. My beautiful baby has taught my self-righteous judgey self a thing or two!

I've done all of the above because either it's been the only way or it's just felt right and now I'm very happy with the decisions I've made.

I will keep trying to get her into her own sleeping space and most nights we can now get her to spend the first half of the night in there.

I love the weaning comment and that's exactly what I mean... They make out Like you chose for your baby to not like veg or that you've been feeding them the wrong sort of veg 🙈 - when actually your baby probably just doesn't bloody like veg!!

CrushedNinjas Sun 31-Jul-16 10:08:12

My DS is 7yrs now and has always been 'a good sleeper'. I suspect I was probably a bit smug/annoying like your friend when one of my lovely mummy pals resorted to controlled crying for her baby DS.
My DS was also the first to walk in our little post natal group of 5 mums of boys.
However, the tables soon turned when it came to potty training.
Unfortunately, he was such a solid sleeper that I couldn't get him out of night time nappies until he was almost 7!
He potty trained in the daytime at about 3 yrs with no problems.
OP, grin and bear with her for now. Your time will come. wink

dylsmimi Sun 31-Jul-16 10:11:06

Definitely just smile and say 'oh it would be so boring if they were all identical wouldn't it' and wait until another phase comes up like weaning, walking or potty training when her baby may not be the first to get it right perfectly!
I had a similar friend who used to say (smugly I felt) 'oh is your ds still not asleep? We've been walking in the park for ages (5 mins) mine is fast asleep, he is a good sleeper' I think in all honesty looking back 5 years later she was just in disbelief and trying to help but it really didn't. I didn't say anything when her ds wouldn't give up the dummy or took an age to potty train as they are all different
Good luck

SoggyBeachDays Sun 31-Jul-16 10:30:45

My experience is the same as Ubercorn's - DC1 was quite a bad sleeper as a baby (good by aged one, though). DC2 was a truly horrendous sleeper and did not sleep through the night (ever) until he was 5. DC3 was a dream sleeper, and basically slept through the night from 6 weeks old. I've done the same with all of them - all breastfed, all cuddled to sleep if / when they needed it.

You're spot on that your friend just got lucky. Ignore the parenting advice - based on a sample size of her one child, it is hardly scientific 😁.

Mummaaaaaah Sun 31-Jul-16 10:47:50

Try and take it good naturedly she probably is just trying to help. But I would also agree to stop talking about it and move the conversation on. She might get the hint that she's getting on your tits!

Ubercorn Sun 31-Jul-16 10:48:51

I will keep trying to get her into her own sleeping space and most nights we can now get her to spend the first half of the night in there.

That's what we did with Terrible Sleeper once we got to a point where he was only (!) waking 2-3 times a night, I think it was at about six months old. He would only feed to sleep so I'd feed him until he was in a milk coma and put him in his own bed then he'd wake at around midnight and was allowed in our bed from that point onwards. Now he's moved into a single bed in his own bedroom one of us lies on his bed with him until he's asleep then when he wakes around 11pm we do the same again then he spends the rest of the night in his bed and we spend the rest of the night in ours. The plan in a few weeks is to wean him off this so one of us will sit next to his bed rather than lie on it with him then over the course of a few weeks will move gradually closer to the door until eventually he doesn't need anyone in the room with him.

It's not at all how I planned to do things but the trade off is that we get to sleep rather than pacing the floors with him or listening to him tantrum!

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