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To think DP doesn't need to explain our plans to his XP

(44 Posts)
OneLongDay Sat 30-Jul-16 16:51:52

Okay please read the thread before anyone flames me

Me and DP live together, he has DC with his XP, and he has lots of contact with DC.

This week we've needed quite a bit of work done at home we've been waiting a while for it and there was 2 dates to choose from. The first date a few weeks back it would of been on DPs contact days/weekend so we decided to wait a few weeks until the work was able to be done not on his contact days/weekend.

DP booked some time off so we were both home while it was being done and my DC went to stay at my DM so we planned it to not have any kids around

DPs ex phoned and asked him to have DC on her nights, he said sorry I can't she wants to know why he says we're having work done, but she says so have them anyway he says I can't but I'll have them extra this weekend when the works done and she loses her shit. Wants to know what works being done in detail and how long it's going to take and keeps phoning to see if it's done and can't we hurry them up to have DC

There was no emergency why she desperately needed us to have them, she told DP the reason so I know it was a desperate situation

So AIBU to think we purposely planned this work to be done when we had no kids around and my DP shouldn't explain in great fucking detail what we're having done how many people are doing it and updates when she phones to ask what they done and what they have left to do and he should be able to say sorry we're having work done I can't have them and that be the end of it

blondieblondie Sat 30-Jul-16 16:55:37

YANBU. He made plans for his nights without the DC. She should have checked before she made any plans for time when she was to have them.

Pearlman Sat 30-Jul-16 16:58:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gottagetmoving Sat 30-Jul-16 16:59:09

His ex is being unreasonable but I would keep out of it and let your DP deal with it.
He doesn't have to tell her everything and she has no right to ask if he is having the children when he is supposed to.
It's up to him though if he wants to give her details.

ExtraHotLatteToGo Sat 30-Jul-16 17:34:50

No it's not just 'up to him' if he wants to give her all the details, it's also up to the OP, it's NONE of the ex's business what they're having done. None.

Tell DH to man up & tell her it's NONE of her business and you'll be ready in time to have them, as planned around, on your next contact days. If she needs the kids looked after she can ask family, friends or book a baby sitter.

happypoobum Sat 30-Jul-16 17:36:01


Problem is, it's DP, not you dealing with it. If it were me I would go into interminable boring details without any pause for interruption about the work being done, the names, ages and star signs of the people doing it. Where they went to school, the make, colour and age of their van, the number of nails/roof slates/cupboard handles required, blah blah blah......

That would probably sort it!

Atenco Sat 30-Jul-16 17:43:19

It's a nuisance OP, but and his ex is being unreasonable but we are all unreasonable at times, aren't we?

It is very hard to get over being sometimes irrationally annoyed at our exes, there are so many triggers there, all the reasons why the are exes, in fact.

mrswhiplington Sat 30-Jul-16 17:43:30

What happypoo said.grin

UnexpectedBaggage Sat 30-Jul-16 17:47:29


He should just not answer the phone/text.

Pisssssedofff Sat 30-Jul-16 17:51:01

Oh dear, thing is if you want a favour off her one day will you mind if she doesn't answer the phone ? All this bollocks, who suffers the kids. Grow up the lot of you. Contact days, they are his kids every day is a contact day

Zuccarelli Sat 30-Jul-16 17:53:12

What work are you having done? grin

UnexpectedBaggage Sat 30-Jul-16 18:00:54

The work was planned for when all the DCs weren't there.

It isn't an emergency the Ex just wants rid of them for her convenience.

JacquesHammer Sat 30-Jul-16 18:03:58

YANBU at all.

ExH and I have a very good relationship. Out of courtesy we tell each other if we're going to be away/uncontactable in case of emergency.

I think its fine for the ex to ask for a swap, but she should take no as the answer if thats given.

Our schedule is casual. We ask for swaps. We accomodate where we can and say no where we can't. So much easier.

PissssssssedOff - except that's not what a contact day means is it?

Pisssssedofff Sat 30-Jul-16 18:04:31

Well unfortunately it doesn't always work that way with kids and both sides need to give and take, if it's impossible for them to be tyere then it's impossible but tyere will be a time when you need something from her and be prepared for her to tell you where to go. And again it's the kids that suffer.

Pisssssedofff Sat 30-Jul-16 18:05:59

Look I've had world war three with my ex believe me but he's always seen his kids every time he's wanted to because all this your day/my day rubbish is exactly that, they are both your responsibility 24/7 every day of the year

LadyLapsang Sat 30-Jul-16 18:36:45

Do you think it could be partly to do with money; what your DP gives to his ex for the children and how much he is spending on the house? Are you having expensive work done such as a new kitchen?

QuartzUcan Sat 30-Jul-16 18:40:30

Cannot you not all come to an amicable way through this? I have been a single parent, but a previous poster noted (quite sensibly) that if a 2 parent household was having work done, they would have to jiggle their kids etc.

I don't think contact days should be brought into this, not really.

Families are all different now, agreed. However in days gone by, Everyone would have been jiggling kids about and looking on family members/neighbours to help out during the 'difficult' bits.
Just because not everyone lives/chooses to live in that sort of community spirit now should not penalise them - especially if they knew their difficulties and made arrangements around it to accomodate it all.

UnexpectedBaggage Sat 30-Jul-16 18:57:19

The OP and her DP took pains to make sure the DCs were not inconvenienced or put out by arranging the work for when they weren't there. That's exactly the right thing to do. None of the DCs are there.

The fact that the ex wants to change things at the last minute is just too bad, OP has already said it isn't an emergency.

And it's none of her business what work is being done.

DragonsEggsAreAllMine Sat 30-Jul-16 18:59:47

Poor kids, contact days are just a start. Given they don't live with him you'd think he would have been thrilled for extra days rather than them being seen as a hinderance only to be had at set times.

People have work done with children all the time, it's no big deal.

Gottagetmoving Sat 30-Jul-16 19:04:23

No it's not just 'up to him' if he wants to give her all the details, it's also up to the OP, it's NONE of the ex's business what they're having done. None

No, it is none of her business but it's up to OP's DP what he tells his ex.
I wouldn't dictate to my DP what he could tell his ex about work we were having done. I would leave him to deal with her without interfering. By the same token I wouldn't have my DP telling me what I can or cannot say to an ex.
We both know and trust each other enough to know neither of us would discuss personal stuff with an ex.

TimeforaNNChange Sat 30-Jul-16 19:05:29

I've learned over time that the best way to deal with irrational exs is to 'smile and wave'.

Both my ex and DHs ex have been similar to this at different times. My Ex still would be but in the situation you describe, OP, I'd have said 'yup, that's fine, I'll have DD if you can't' and then I'd make suitable alternative arrangements for her (a sleepover with friends or grandparents, a night Camping with me etc).
I do get a great deal of satisfaction when ex then indignantly objects to my 'farming DD out'. Arse. grin

UnexpectedBaggage Sat 30-Jul-16 19:35:09

Given they don't live with him you'd think he would have been thrilled for extra days rather than them being seen as a hinderance only to be had at set times.

What a stupid thing to say. The work was specifically arranged for when none of the DCs were there. Maybe there's dust and they are asthmatic, maybe it's dangerous for a few days.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer Sat 30-Jul-16 19:39:09

I do remember having a bathroom done, while living in the house, with dc, and without another loo in the house.. It was a nightmare!! So if it is work like that (and even if not really) the OP and her DP are NBU not to have the kids there. However this doesn't seem to be about whether it's reasonable or otherwise to have the kids but rather about information being passed to the ex? Also I know that if either of my exes thought that the reason I was offering them extra contact was for my benefit (girlie holiday, night out, whatever) they would likely refuse on principle. Not saying this is the scenario here just that these type of issues carry so much baggage that probably everybody is BU at least a little bit. Hope the work is finished soon OP and everything works itself out.

MadamDeathstare Sat 30-Jul-16 19:44:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JacquesHammer Sat 30-Jul-16 19:45:59

s your day/my day rubbish is exactly that, they are both your responsibility 24/7 every day of the year

And again, resposibility and contact days are two different things.

I arrange all my work meetings for days where my Ex has my DD. He does the same. Can you really not understand how "my day/your day" works?

OP - I would ask your partner to speak to his ex and ask about more notice for changes to the contact schedule.

I can't see why OP/her H are getting snitty comments about "he should want to see them more" - its hardly going to be quality time in a household that's having work done.

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