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To think I shouldn't have to put up with dp's road rage.

(28 Posts)
imwithspud Sat 30-Jul-16 15:31:04

Currently in the car, going on holiday down south (uk). Hit some traffic on the way so we've been in the car about 5 hours now, almost there. Dp driving, he won't let me drive because he gets travel sick. We have 2 DC but they've travelled down with PIL.

Over the course of the journey he has been getting progressively more angry at other drivers, I can understand. Some of them have been utter twats and the traffic has been frustrating. Other times his reaction is completely over the top over petty things. He gets proper shouty and although he's not shouting at me it creates an atmosphere and I get all anxious and tense. If I (calmly)tell him to calm down he gets even more annoyed and shouty because apparently I won't 'let him have his say' and that basically he can say/act how he wants because he's been driving for 5 hours. Inevitably we then have an argument.

Maybe I'm selfish but I don't feel I should have to put up with him shouting and balling at people on and off throughout the whole journey. I can tolerate it to an extent but (I feel) he gets carried away and there's no way for me to get away from it and let him get on with it.

So, fully prepared to be told iabu. Am I? Surely I should be allowed to feel comfortable throughout the journey too, and since he can't/won't let me drive then he should tone down the road rage a little.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Sat 30-Jul-16 15:34:19

Have you stopped for a break during the journey?

No one should drive for 5 hours without a stop and a chance to stretch legs , eat and drink .

Is there a reason your dc's have travelled separately ?

Summerisle1 Sat 30-Jul-16 15:34:59

Fuck that. He sounds both dangerous and deeply unpleasant to be driving with.

YANBU in expecting to be comfortable throughout the journey and, if driving makes him this unhinged then he needs to let you take the wheel.

I used to be in a relationship with someone like this. He also got "travel sick" if not driving but I soon realised that this was merely a symptom of his need for control.

I hope you arrive soon and safely!

loopyfeckinlu Sat 30-Jul-16 15:35:49

YANBU, my ex was like this. It made every journey fractious and shot my anxiety through the roof.

Maybe there's a sense of entitlement there that he believes he a better driver than anyone else? I know we can all have a little rant at certain things when we drive, but his attitude is not normal.

Tell him to get over himself.

imwithspud Sat 30-Jul-16 15:36:51

Yes we stopped for some lunch and loo break about 45mins ago.

DC's stayed with the in laws because we stayed in London for a couple of nights. We will meet them all at the holiday park shortly.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Sat 30-Jul-16 15:38:16

Buy him some Kwells.

imwithspud Sat 30-Jul-16 15:38:52

Just want to say that he does genuinely have travel sickness, we had to get off a train in London because he was going to throw up everywhere otherwise (not drunk). And there have been other occasions where he's been driven somewhere and has gotten sick. We're going to get some travel sickness tablets for future journeys.

someonestolemynick Sat 30-Jul-16 15:39:40

This must be really frustrating for both of you but telling an angry person to calm down is a little pointless.
There is not that much you can do at the moment. If, as you say, it's not directed at you, just let him have a vent now and talk to him about it later. If it's safe for you to get out of the car, this might be a good way to get away from it.

pictish Sat 30-Jul-16 15:41:05

Yanbu - behaving like a raging bull in close proximity to someone else like that is selfish and nasty. Why the fuck should anyone else absorb the rage?
Despite what he thinks he is not entitled to dump this shitfest on you just because he feels like it. What a prick.

imwithspud Sat 30-Jul-16 15:42:08

I agree telling an angry person to calm down doesn't help and it's the wrong thing to do on my part.

I have tried really hard to let it go over my head and I mostly have done but it's been a long journey, we're both tired and I just couldn't cope with it any longer.

Ragwort Sat 30-Jul-16 15:43:09

I sympathise, my DH is similar .......... so much so that I really hate going anywhere in the car with him. Not sure what the answer is.

BlushRanunculus Sat 30-Jul-16 15:44:31

YANBU it's unnecessary stress for both of you... My DH has had a habit of doing this lately, going over the top about other drivers mostly I can ignore it but after a recent trip to his parents I spoke to him about it after we got back and he has agreed to be more aware and cut it out which he currently has but I'll will be reminding him when if he slips back in to the habit. Once he has stopped driving and calmed down speak to him again and explain that he is acting like a dick but phase it much more tactfully and less goady than that grin hopefully your return trip will be better OP!

Summerisle1 Sat 30-Jul-16 15:44:53

At a calmer moment (out of the car!) I'd suggest you have a sensible discussion during which you tell him just how unpleasant it is to share a car with someone who is utterly enraged. If he has any self-awareness or depth of feeling for you then he'll at least take this on board.

imwithspud Sat 30-Jul-16 15:46:06

What is it about being behind the wheel that turns people into such arse-hats? He's never like this out of the car, if anything it's me with the shorter temper in other circumstances.

Sigh. Glad it's not just me. I have tried explaining to him about how uncomfortable it makes me when he'I gets really bad. We can all get a bit heated when driving but it gets to a point where you realise it's not worth the increase in blood pressure. I usually get told to stop bringing it up again and to let gohmm

imwithspud Sat 30-Jul-16 15:47:39

Will try bringing it up out of the car. It's horrible for everyone especially when the dc are in the car - although he's not as bad when they're with us so I know he can control it.

Puzzedhelpplease Sat 30-Jul-16 15:48:18

Welcome to the 'staycation'. Everyone is trying to go on holiday to have a 'great time'...the whole fricken UK is jam packed with traffic. Oh, for some peace and quiet...

WorraLiberty Sat 30-Jul-16 15:50:09

Christ, why do so many people turn into bad tempered little divas, when they get behind the wheel of a car?

Does he act like that when the kids are in the car?

If yes, he needs to stop driving them.

If no, it just goes to show he can hold his temper when it suits him. So why doesn't it suit him to hold it in front of you?

WorraLiberty Sat 30-Jul-16 15:51:09

Sorry X posted.

That must be horrible and quite scary for the kids.

happypoobum Sat 30-Jul-16 15:51:39

Is there room in PILS car for you to travel back with them and DC?

I wouldn't feel safe in a car with someone who gets that ragey.

DoinItFine Sat 30-Jul-16 15:51:48


Travel sickness or not, he is not fit to be behind the wheel of a car in that kind of emotional state.

It's not safe.

Heavy traffic is annoying and boring, but it is almost never the fault of the other people similarly stuck.

Getting frustrated and shouty and angry is pointless, unpleasant for any passengers, and makes you more likely to drive badly and dangerously.

Road ragers are always crap drivers.

Good driving means keeping control.

April241 Sat 30-Jul-16 16:16:11

Btw for travel sickness I really recommend Stugeron tablets, I've always had horrendous travel sickness and have tried every trick in the book but these are the only thing that have ever worked. I managed to travel 10 hours on dirt road, in a really old rickety van without any nausea at all.

Plus point is they make you drowsy for a while so he can sleep in the passenger seat for the first part of the journey and you'll have a nice quiet trip ;)

GarlicMistake Sat 30-Jul-16 16:28:56

shock I drive behind people like your H, muttering "Have a nice heart attack, arsehole." Then I drop well back as soon as I can, because this kind of driver causes pile-ups.

What on earth prevents him understanding he isn't entitled to an empty road at all times?

I bet he speeds over the limit and cuts people up, too.

Gottagetmoving Sat 30-Jul-16 16:29:06

My DP is exactly the same even on short journeys to the supermarket.
He drove a Lorry for many years and is fanatical about driving and driving correctly. He goes berserk if people don't indicate or if they travel in the middle lane of the motorway when the left lane is clear.

He is always right about what he is moaning about..but you would think after driving for donkeys years he would have accepted that not all drivers follow the rules and that some are shit at driving. When I point this out to him he gets angry.

YANBU OP,...and you are right about it creating a bloody tense atmosphere. I feel anxious for the whole journey.

Mycraneisfixed Sat 30-Jul-16 16:39:18

Why do men get so aggressive when they're driving?confused Does being in control of a fast vehicle bring on a testosterone surge?
My DIL and I argue over who has to sit in the front when my DS is driving: we'd both rather be in the back...wearing headphones. We arrange things now so that DIL and I travel together in one car and DS has the kids and dogs with him.

imwithspud Sat 30-Jul-16 16:39:22

I bet he speeds over the limit and cuts people up, too.

I know I posted in aibu and I was the one complaining about him in the first place but I just want to come to his defence and say no he doesn't do these things. Not when me or the dc are in the car anyway (don't know what he does when alone).

He's not a bad person, he just turns into a different person when behind the wheel sometimes. Really appreciate all the advice and understanding. I have taken it all on board and hopefully he will too, but overall he's not a bad person (wouldn't be with him otherwise) and I don't think it's fair to assume someone is based on a single snapshot. But hey it is aibu so I can't really expect anything less can I?grin

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