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To not go to BFs wedding party..?

(71 Posts)
Marigold76 Sat 30-Jul-16 09:11:57

V good friend got married last fortnight in Scotland. We didn't get an invite as it was a small wedding and just Family and B&G chose 1 friend (and their partners) each. Totally wasn't offended by this as would have been tricky and expensive to take my DC and DH to attend. We talked about it, all good. However.. Big party arranged for next weekend for everyone else. My ex-partner has been invited by groom and bride has said she's not happy about it but doesn't want to rock the boat. Ex and groom are not particularly close friends, just socially acquainted, but he thinks he's 'a laugh' (we live in small town where everyone mixes at weekends)

I'm 5 months PG, we can't seem to get a babysitter at the moment and DH has said he'll stay home and I can go alone. Will know lots of people there and friends going also.

Ex was very abusive. Violent, controlling, unpredictable. Made 10 years of my life a misery. No secret. Everyone at the time knew it was going on and was sympathetic but he's still accepted within their social circle (not in their group of friends but will chat/buy him drinks etc when everyone is together) whereas even though we all still mix occasionally, I had to move on to another group plus had baby so social life died a wee bit.

Ex appears to have calmed down in intervening years (about 6 years) but was a big problem when drunk. On odd occasions I see him socially he still attempts to intimidate me, makes comments, stares etc. Makes me feel uncomfortable. People tend to ignore it if they notice at all.

WIBU to not go to party..? It's a very good friend, not as close as we used to be, but still one of my best. Will have good support network there with other friends but just not feeling up to it. Preggers, alone and ex in attendance is feeling too much.

I will feel rotten not going- but if I'm honest, am hurt that he's invited and that no-one seems to think it might be awkward for me. (I know it's not about ME, and haven't told friend I'm unhappy with his invite or anything as its not MY day!) really don't know if I'm being OTT.. Advice welcomed!!

Fishface77 Sat 30-Jul-16 09:18:57

I think they're really insensitive and I would tell them your not going and the exact reason why!
She can't think too much of your friendship of she didn't put her foot down.

In these circumstances I don't think I would want to go.

The bride clearly knows her dh has put you in an awkward situation. Add in the pregnancy, childcare issues and your husbands inability to attend and it's more than understandable if you don't go to the party.

I would contact her, say you're very sorry and explain the situation but offer your love and congratulations and arrange to see the new couple soon under different circumstances - perhaps offer to take them out to dinner as a wedding present.

Foslady Sat 30-Jul-16 09:24:52

Definitely don't go - and if she starts the 'but you're my best friend and you won't do this for me' crap tell her best friends don't put each other in this situAtion with an abusive person.

LemonSqueezy0 Sat 30-Jul-16 09:28:13

I think you are considering their feelings way more than they are considering yours... Explain briefly why you won't be going but move it quickly on to when you will see them and celebrate.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Sat 30-Jul-16 09:31:18

Don't go! I can't believe anyone would even associate with him if it's known he was violently abusive. You don't need the stress while you're pregnant and it sounds like you won't have fun anyway. If your "friend" asks just tell her it's really weird that she and her partner want a violent thug at their wedding party and that you expect more of them, because you really should.

HeddaGarbled Sat 30-Jul-16 09:34:30

How about explaining to all your other friends who are attending how you are feeling so that they can all look out for you and make sure you aren't left alone in a position where he can intimidate you? If they are good friends, they will want to protect you. My friends have done this when someone has had to face a very recent ex, or someone has had a bereavement and is feeling socially fragile. If you can't rely on them to have your back, then, I agree, why expose yourself to such an uncomfortable situation.

ElspethFlashman Sat 30-Jul-16 09:36:01

Hell no, don't go. Fuck that.

Text your friend and explain that given your condition you feel to vulnerable to meet him in a setting where drink will be taken. And can you treat her to dinner next week or whenever instead?

Only1scoop Sat 30-Jul-16 09:38:53

I think it's fine not to go.

I'd be completely honest about it also.

TSSDNCOP Sat 30-Jul-16 09:39:25

Don't go. Invite friend and her new h out for dinner so they can show you all their photos and chat about their lovely wedding.

beenaroundawhile Sat 30-Jul-16 09:41:32

Another pov, OP I'm sorry you had to go through what you did and I'm not trying to downplay how you feel.

However, your ex will know how close you are to your BF and I can't help but feeling that if you don't go, especially if he knows it's because of him, that he will see it as some kind of control that he's still able to assert over you.

If there hadn't already been a smaller wedding (which I understand that you were ok not going to) I would say that you should go. You shouldn't allow your abusive ex to keep you away from one of the biggest days of her life.

On this occasion though, is there another option? Could you take your DC with you even if it's just for the first couple of hours so that you can be part of their celebration with the support of your DP and family, and you're not showing the ex that he still has any control over your life?

You could leave early obviously citing lack of babysitting and pregnancy, but it would mean:

1) You're there to share her day
2) Your ex will see nothing but what a happy family you are with another baby on the way
3) You don't need to spend much time there but don't offend anyone

No one would bat an eyelid if you left early. The point would be you were THERE. Personally on this occasion I would put the lack of judgment on b&g part to one side, it is their day after all. Try to make it work for you.

If she comes back and says sorry no children, then that's a totally different story altogether. I don't think you should go by yourself.

coconutpie Sat 30-Jul-16 09:42:34

No WAY would I go. Your so-called friend is bang out of order because she should be telling her DH that this acquaintance is not to be invited as you are the priority here. It's really piss poor form of the B&G that they've invited a person who was abusive towards you and made your life hell. I would be reconsidering the friendship altogether tbh.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe Sat 30-Jul-16 09:43:04

YABU - You need to go to your best friends wedding of course, that's what best friends are for isn't it? That and going to visit them when they're in hospital. Otherwise whats' the point in having a best friend?????

Marigold76 Sat 30-Jul-16 09:43:18

Thanks all. I don't think she would be angry if I didn't go, I think she would be disappointed but would understand. She's a very nervy, 'smooth things over' kind of person and was v apologetic about his invitation. She knows it's awkward for me. I'm not really sure why she didn't put her foot down tbh. Maybe because her DH is the more dominant and because there have been lots of situations in the past where I have been at the same social events and have just got on with it? I think it's just the combination of all of it that's putting me off. Appreciate your responses, I feel more confident I'm not just being pissy. I think I just felt as though I should suck it up and go for her sake. Especially as there are other weddings coming up that I will see her and her DH at so will feel bad for not making the effort to go to hers.

Hissy Sat 30-Jul-16 09:44:21

So your best friend is marrying a man who thinks your vile abusive ex is ok.
She can't bring this up to him as she doesn't want to rock the boat, but obviously knows what you went through, as does her new h, probably.

Your friend has probably married a man similar to your ex.

Decline the invitation, tell them both why. I dare say your friend may need support in the future. No decent man would invite someone he knows is abusive to his new wife's dear friend!

GrumpyOldBag Sat 30-Jul-16 09:44:31

Agree with PP - why are you still letting your ex control your life?

Go to the party and don't let yourself be intimidated, maybe try harder to find a babysitter and get DH to come too.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe Sat 30-Jul-16 09:45:02

I agree with the poster who said your ex has won if you choose not to go - you are still letting him dictate what you do and don't do and that's not healthy.

I'd book a sitter with an agency and go with my husband.

Only1scoop Sat 30-Jul-16 09:49:47

Sounds like she's marrying an idiot.

Aeroflotgirl Sat 30-Jul-16 09:50:44

Unfortunately your friend may have married a similar type to your ex. I would go but stay away from him.

GloGirl Sat 30-Jul-16 09:54:54

I wouldn't bother my arse going. It's not even the wedding! Why does she get 2 wedding days and manage to make both of them awkward for you?

10 years is a long time to spend with an evil person, totally understand why you would want to limit any time in his presence from now on.

MrsJayy Sat 30-Jul-16 09:56:46

Dont go and tell your friend why you can tell her without making her feel guilty the ex is going you dont want to and leave it at that. Dunno why she didnt say anything to her husband though 2 weeks married and she doesnt want to rock the boat doesnt sit well imo

RandomMess Sat 30-Jul-16 09:57:01

I think showing an appearance with your DH and DC is a good idea, bump on show - no sitter and not up to staying late as not "feeling that well today".

You're not on your own, too early for your ex to be pissed, you've made the effort etc.

I think it's very hurtful that your good friend didn't stick up for you against her husband's wishes of inviting an abusive twunt to their party, I really hope her husband isn't of the same ilk.

beenaroundawhile Sat 30-Jul-16 10:03:14

Phew I thought I was going to get flamed for suggesting it!!

Arkhamasylum Sat 30-Jul-16 10:04:45

YANBU. Some boats need rocking.

You shouldn't feel bad about letting your friend down. She let you down by not telling her husband that she didn't want a man who was violent towards you at their party.

Why would this man even want to go to this party? Because he can? To demonstrate that the OP has no power over him? That he can do what he likes and that her 'very good friend' won't stop him?

In any case, I would avoid putting yourself in a position where you have to give his motives any thought or consideration. Do what makes you feel safe and happy. And if your friend needs an explanation, 'I don't want to be in the same room as a man who abuses me while I'm five months pregnant', is more than reasonable.


gamerwidow Sat 30-Jul-16 10:05:11

I think putting yourself in a position where you will feel uncomfortable and your ex gets to make digs at you is not empowering and doesn't show him a thing except that he can do what he likes and no one will pull him up on it.
Do what will make you feel best. If you think you'll have a terrible evening then don't put yourself through it. Who cares if your ex thinks he has won.

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