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Aibu to consider not going as I am so anxious?!

(44 Posts)
witsender Sat 30-Jul-16 07:02:08

I'll try to make this quick.

It is DH's birthday today, I bought him a weekend away next weekend at a naice hotel not far away. We have two kids, nigh on 6 and 4, it is very rare we don't do things as a family so this would be a treat.

My parents who live nearby are having the kids, and this is the source of my anxiety. (I do suffer from depression and anxiety so am not always the most rational wink)

My parents have a big outdoor swimming pool, with no railings. They are very cautious with it, no running next to it, swim vests on when playing outside, no-one allowed in without an adult etc. The kids know these rules and are good with them.

But I'm getting anxious. I'm worrying that the kids will let themselves out and fall in the pool, slip under the cover and not be seen. I'm worried that my disabled mother couldn't get in the pool quick enough if something happened. I'm worried that my dad might get distracted by a project in the garden and let his guard down.

All of these things can be mitigated against...cover off, French doors locked when adults not ready to go outside etc...apart from the human factor. The distraction or whatever.

My sister may well go to stay with them too in which case she would help and I would feel far easier, but I am beginning to wonder if I should ever have booked it! I keep catastrophising...but I can't tell if that is 'me' or a genuine concern I should be this freaked out by. Would others let their kids go to stay in similar circumstances?

VioletBam Sat 30-Jul-16 07:07:01

I don't think you're being over the top at all! Why are there no railings?!

It's genuine concern in my opinion.

MsKite Sat 30-Jul-16 07:08:00

It does sound very dangerous

Kukoo Sat 30-Jul-16 07:09:30

I would probably be the same but then I am a very anxious person especially around my DC <unhelpful>.... If you're that worried could grandparents/sister not stay at your house with DC for the weekend?

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Sat 30-Jul-16 07:11:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VioletBam Sat 30-Jul-16 07:12:31

But four is so small...and they're still silly at this age.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sat 30-Jul-16 07:14:11

Life is dangerous. Your job is to protect your children from risk and then teach them to avoid/understand risk as best you can.

I don't think the set up you describe is that unusual. I would tell your parents that you are feeling very anxious and ask them to confirm the ground rules once again. Then I would go and have the weekend away.

Are you getting help for your A&D?

RochelleGoyle Sat 30-Jul-16 07:17:05

I don't agree that it sounds 'very dangerous'. Your kids already know the rules and your parents seem sensible. Perhaps tell them how you are feeling so they can reassure you? I'm sure they wouldn't want you to miss your trip and you need (for your own well-being) to be able to leave your children and manage any anxiety this brings. brew

davos Sat 30-Jul-16 07:23:13

That's a difficult one. When you arranged this you knew the set up? Can you think about why you ok with it enough then?

Talk it through with your mum, dad and dp.

If you really can't go, can he go with someone else.

If you were my dh I would try to be understanding, but ion old be really disappointed you arranged this but now wasn't going.

Didiusfalco Sat 30-Jul-16 07:31:13

That would definitely make me anxious too, but i am a worrier about things like that. If you talked it through with your parents could they put your mind at ease?

I thinks it is hard on your do if you don't find a solution.

Didiusfalco Sat 30-Jul-16 07:32:09

Dh flipping autocorrect!

HicDraconis Sat 30-Jul-16 07:32:34

I would worry about the safety of a 4 and 6 year old under those circumstances. There's one thing knowing the rules when you are visiting with mummy and daddy keeping an eye on you, and a separate issue altogether when you're an excited 4 year old on a sleepover at grandma and granddad's house, playing outside while they prep dinner. 4 and 6 year olds aren't known for their amazingly sensible decision making.

I would ask your parents if they could look after them at your house. I wouldn't be happy with mine staying over at a place with an unfenced pool.

AliceScarlett Sat 30-Jul-16 07:34:34

Trouble is there Is always going to be danger in life, personally I don't see this as more dangerous than the car journey there.
How much do you want to miss out on in order to try and protect them in life? It's a hard balance.

randomer Sat 30-Jul-16 07:37:57

it sounds there any other alternative so you can really enjoy the break?

witsender Sat 30-Jul-16 07:43:12

They have stayed before, but only for one night (this would be 2) and in winter, when they weren't outside as much. When they stayed before they would arrive just before dinner, eat, play then bed...up, breakfast and then come home. This would be a late afternoon/evening/whole day/following morning.

I trust the kids to a degree, they know not to run next to the pool, are good at getting the swim vests, and my mum is a worrier so is unlikely to be blase about just worries me.

I haven't told DH yet, I may chat to him and see what he thinks. He is more cautious with regards my parents etc than I am, so maybe we will come up with a compromise...they stay one night then come to join us for the second night etc.

It seemed like a good idea when I booked it...but as it get a closer I'm getting antsy!

WinterIsHereJon Sat 30-Jul-16 07:47:48

I think YABU. Your parents have sensible precautions in place, your children know the rules. I'm assuming you trust your parents to take proper care of the children?

If I was your DM/DF I'd think it quite upsetting that you'd consider cancelling a birthday treat for your DH because you didn't trust me not to let the children drown hmm

NoahVale Sat 30-Jul-16 07:48:42

your parents will be just as worried. i am sure they will have plans in place to make sure your children are safe. they are their grandchildren after all.

NataliaOsipova Sat 30-Jul-16 07:57:50

If I was your DM/DF I'd think it quite upsetting that you'd consider cancelling a birthday treat for your DH because you didn't trust me not to let the children drown

Agree with this. Remember - this is a known risk. It certainly will be if you hammer it home to them. As a result, your parents will be watching them like a hawk around the pool. Accidents almost always happen when something isn't thought of/considered - it's the unknowns that get you. Just tell your parents how concerned you are.

ForTheLoveOfMod Sat 30-Jul-16 08:01:39

Could you afford to buy a pool alarm for your DP's? It'll sound an alarm if anyone disturbs/removes the cover. Without knowing the size of their pool I don't know if this would be too expensive but would be handy to have anyway and if affordable might put your mind at ease?

NataliaOsipova Sat 30-Jul-16 08:08:24 - if it sets your mind at rest - remember there are two kids, who'll likely be playing together. Given the ages of your kids, even if one of them did fall and even if your parents didn't see it, the other one would be old enough a) to notice b) to know to tell someone and c) would have the language to be able to tell someone.

Julius02 Sat 30-Jul-16 08:20:28

I'm a grandparent and I am ultra cautious when our young grandchildren come to visit as they are not my children and I would be horrified if anything happened to them. I'm sure your parents feel the same. Please go and have your break and try not to worry too much.

ExitPursuedByABear Sat 30-Jul-16 08:23:47

I can understand your concerns, but I too am a worrier.

Can they both swim?

SwissWank Sat 30-Jul-16 08:23:58

YANBU, I'd also be concerned and I think people who haven't looked after small children for a while seem to be a bit too relaxed as you forget how quick the little buggers are.

SwissWank Sat 30-Jul-16 08:24:40

Can they stay at your house so the kids have everything they need anyway?

Mrscog Sat 30-Jul-16 08:26:22

I think YAbU, by all means, explain to them how you are worrying about it so they can reassure you.

Are they generally safety conscious children? My 4.5 year old DS is very sensible and very afraid of dying, so follows instructions to the letter, I would definitely be able to trust him with adult supervision and a floatations vest in this sort of situation.

If your 4 year old has the tendency to go wild/get distracted/run off then sit down with him before too and have a serious conversation.

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