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Re: the etiquette of borrowing money?

(44 Posts)
Oldisthenewblack Fri 29-Jul-16 21:21:41

It's not me that's doing the borrowing, by the way. I'm the lender (loaner?). Loaned someone a few hundred pounds a couple of months ago. Totally trusted this person, or wouldn't have parted company with my cash. We then parted company, though I still trusted him to repay. He has my bank account details and has twice said that he should be in position to repay "soon". But without giving a ballpark time frame.

I understand he has commitments (children, mortgage, etc) and I'm not in dire need of the cash. However, is it unreasonable of me to expect him to contact me every so often if he hasn't yet been able to repay me? Our last contact was one month ago and that's when he reiterated that he should be able to repay "soon". I told him that if he wanted to pay in instalments, that was fine. I figured it may make it easier for him, and would at least show me that he was committed to reimbursing me.

If he had been updating me, of his own volition, of how things were going, I wouldn't mind. I really wouldn't. It's the fact that there's an ocean of silence on the issue and I find it pretty rude. I consider how I would feel if I had borrowed money and I would be at pains to let the other person know I hadn't forgotten and still intended to repay!

Anyway, I just wanted to get others perspectives on this.

Thank you grin

lalalalyra Fri 29-Jul-16 21:24:21

He has no intention of repaying. I'd message him and tell him you need him to pay you back as you need the money, even if he pays you at X figure per month.

I wouldn't count on getting it back though. In my experience people who intend to pay back don't need to be chased.

NeedACleverNN Fri 29-Jul-16 21:24:21

Never loan something you are prepared to lose..

NeedACleverNN Fri 29-Jul-16 21:24:46


Basically, you ain't getting that money back

Porg Fri 29-Jul-16 21:25:46

I would be mortified owing someone money. Surely he could afford a tenner a week or something to at least show willing?

acasualobserver Fri 29-Jul-16 21:26:35

If you still trust him to repay and you don't need the money in the meantime then you don't need to do anything. If either of those things change then you need to ask him directly when he'll cough up.

PersianCatLady Fri 29-Jul-16 21:26:55

Sadly it sounds like the old saying -
"Never lend money you can't afford to lose" might apply here.

I think you need to sit down and say to him that you either need a definite date for repayment of the money or that he can start paying you £100 at the end of every month until it is repaid.

If you don't ask him directly you won't get a straight answer.

SoupDragon Fri 29-Jul-16 21:27:19

I agree that you won't see that money again.

I suspect the same to be true of a loan I made.

Dakgalbi Fri 29-Jul-16 21:43:21

...and what is worse, the borrower will make out you to be pushy or nasty for asking for it back, the ungrateful shit.

bitemyshinymetalass Fri 29-Jul-16 21:46:01

You didn't arrange for repayment when you loaned it. That was your error.

Oldisthenewblack Fri 29-Jul-16 21:48:49

I know that when you loan money, there's always the risk it won't be returned. But of all the people I've ever met, he's the one I would have put money on (ha ha!) to repay. I lent it knowing I could afford it. Porg - yes, that's EXACTLY what I think. Doesn't cost him anything to transfer the cash, so hell, even £2.50 is something.

acasualobserver - I was considering giving him another two months. By then he would have had several pay days, and ample time to find at least part of the money to repay. That was something I was struggling with; how long to give him? I think then, as you say, I will tell him directly that I need a certain amount to be agreed on to be repaid on a regular basis. Bloody hell, if he'd been paying £20 a week he'd have repaid a third by now!!

Badbadtromance Fri 29-Jul-16 21:49:48

I lent money once and never again. If he saw you as priority he would show this by his actions

Oldisthenewblack Fri 29-Jul-16 21:50:26

It's a lesson learned. I certainly won't be lending money again.

Oldisthenewblack Fri 29-Jul-16 22:02:25

I think it's the disappointment in him, more than anything. Seriously, he was a guy I'd have trusted with my life. I'm clinging to the hope that he simply feels awkward and is just desperately re-arranging his finances...

junebirthdaygirl Fri 29-Jul-16 22:05:17

Worse thing l did. Loaned money. Promised return date came and went. So awkward and embarrassing. Resentment building up if l saw her splash cash on anything. Eventually she said l will have that money soon and l said have it as a gift. Awkwardness over but never again.

PuttingouthefirewithGasoline Fri 29-Jul-16 22:09:03

I wouldnt loan anyone money I needed and couldnt afford to loose, I would have to be happy to loose it and sort of give it away. If person repaid, great but if you loan to friend you really have to think your giving it away.

bluesbaby Fri 29-Jul-16 22:12:19

If you leave it two months without saying anything, guaranteed he will carry on living hand to mouth as he is and not save anything to repay you.

Guaranteed. Because, if he was going to pay you back, he would have already given you a date and some money towards it.

If you want to see even a sniff of the money back, you need to get tough with him.

228agreenend Fri 29-Jul-16 22:21:58

I think you should leave it a month more at the most. The longer you leave it, the harder it will be to get the money.

Then consider whether you want to,loose the friendship or money, because the chances are , one will go.

If you are chasing the money, you need to be tough, even if it means meeting with every pay day to get £100.

You may have to consider that you won't get the money back.

WoahSlowDown Fri 29-Jul-16 22:24:25

I'd give him a phone call and try and talk to him about it. Remember that you haven't done anything to be embarrassed about so don't waste any time feeling embarrassed or awkward.

If he is claiming to be skint again ask him to sign something to say he has borrowed it or, if possible, suggest he gives you something of the same value. Perhaps he has a TV or something that you could have. You could give it back to him if he repays the debt.

Don't make it so easy for him by being too nice.

RubbleBubble00 Fri 29-Jul-16 22:26:49

Always agree a set time frame

PersianCatLady Fri 29-Jul-16 22:39:29

I was considering giving him another two months. By then he would have had several pay days, and ample time to find at least part of the money to repay.
I think that by doing that you all you are doing is making him think that he hasn't got to pay it back. I mean in 2 months time I doubt he will have saved anything and then there might be the excuse that "oh well xmas is coming up, I couldn't possibly repay it now".

By asking him for some of it each month, he knows that you want it back and plus once he has given you each month's instalment he can't then spend it on something else, which is likely to happen if you are expecting him to save it up and then give it back to you in one go.

PersianCatLady Fri 29-Jul-16 22:46:56

the borrower will make out you to be pushy or nasty for asking for it back
What is that all about though. I lent one of my friends £100 when I was in hospital for 6 weeks because it wasn't like I could spend it and she supposedly needed it for an urgent bill. Two weeks after I got discharged she came round my house and showed me the wonderful tattoo she had on her arm.

So I was like that's nice and oh do you have that money I lent you because like I might need it now I am home and she said no why would I have it?

She had no idea that paying me back my money should have come before getting (yet another) tattoo. I phoned her twice more after that asking for it back and each time she acted like I was being an arsehole.

I never saw the money again because she must have changed her SIM card. What pissed me off the most was the attitude not what she had done. But I suppose I learnt that she wasn't really a friend and not really worth my friendship.

Obsidian77 Fri 29-Jul-16 22:53:53

Your friend might just be embarrassed at being so short of cash and not have realised how much this is worrying you. Perhaps tell him you'll need the money back soon, can he get £100 to you by the end of next week then £100 a fortnight thereafter (or whatever). I loaned a fairly large sum to a friend a while back in a similar sounding situation and he repaid every penny, but a few months later than planned because he was hit with unexpected expenses. I'm now on the other side of the situation because I am beyond flat broke at the mo and have borrowed money myself. I have to say that unless someone specifically said the money had to be back by a certain date I might think thank fuck I've borrowed money from OP and not the bank, I just can't pay it right now and hope it would be ok for a bit longer. I suppose that sounds flaky but I think if it's an informal loan from a friend and not a loan shark, people might think it's ok to drag things out a bit?
If your instinct was to trust your friend then don't give up on that. Call him and let him know you're worried and give him a chance to prove you were right to trust him.

WoahSlowDown Fri 29-Jul-16 23:03:37

I might think thank fuck I've borrowed money from OP and not the bank, I just can't pay it right now and hope it would be ok for a bit longer

That wouldn't be 'flakey' behaviour it would be shitty behaviour. If you borrowed money from a friend and couldn't pay it back the only decent thing to do would be to talk to them about it and see when they wanted the money back.

Mycraneisfixed Fri 29-Jul-16 23:06:06

Tell him directly that he has to start paying you back at either £100 or £50 a month. Get a standing order form from the bank and take to him then stand over him while he fills it in.
Or threaten with small claims court. Why should he steal your money?

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