winding up children then complaining about their response.(85 Posts)
Ds is 11. He has ASD. Therefore struggles socially and can have a short fuse. We keep any play date type activities short.
So today we met some friends. I am really close to mum but we have differing parenting styles. This has never been a problem before and I know not to tell her children off as it doesn't go down well. That's if anyone tells them - not just me!
We are on a sandy beach and DS is quite happily building by himself some car creation and has 2 cars with him. Friend and I are chatting. Her DDs are playing nearby with a group of other children.
I'll admit neither of us were watching kids like a hawk. I suddenly hear DS screaming and crying and he's really upset and friends DD is coming towards us and says ds hurt her. I asked her why?
Friend says does it matter? I said it doesn't change the fact DS shouldn't have hurt her but he's clearly distressed so I'm wondering what happened to upset him. Ds is walking towards us at this point. Friends DD says nothing and she doesn't know why he did it.
I asked DS why he pushed friends DD. Again friend says does it matter? I repeated what I'd said and then pointed out DS was playing alone and was still where he had been when we looked up to noise so clearly his DD had gone over to him. Her DD said nothing happened.
Ds between sobs tells me she came over and started kicking bits with her feet and it was ruining it. He'd shouted at her to stop and she kicked the whole thing over.
I asked friends DD what she had expected DS to do when she'd just ruined something he'd spent ages building? She just started at me and her friend repeated DS behaviour was out of order. Asked her again and she said she knew it would upset him but he shouted at her.
I said to DS next time someone breaks something or ruins something of his to take a deep breath and tell an adult. Said to friends DD that if you decide to ruin something belonging to someone else you risk them reacting badly. I then said to friend and DS that I was going to take him home as he'd clearly had enough. (Once DS has hit a point he takes ages to calm again).
A few hours later friend started texting me and saying how I should have punished DS, set a consequence in front of her DD so she could see he'd be punished and that she's unsure if we should meet again.
So I text back that her DD made the decision to walk over to what he was doing, made a decision to start using her feet on it and then made a decision to kick it over. Ds pushed her away because of her actions and it meant he didn't get a photo of what he'd made and had to leave early and that was consequence enough. And that I didn't want to meet again if her DD was going to be allowed to treat DS badly and still be treated like the innocent party.
She's since made PA remarks and a drama llama post on FB.
So AIBU to not punish DS further when his behaviour (although unacceptable) was as a reaction to someone else's actions (which were also unacceptable?)
Please be gentle - I will take all advice on board.
YANBU at all. I'm not saying her DD deserved to be pushed over, but she is not the innocent party and your DS was just reacting to a situation which had upset him. How would your friend have felt if your DS had gone over to her DD, started being nasty and then she had pushed him?
oh and you were waaay politer than I would have been under the same circumstances
No, don't punish him. He's had his work ruined as it is, and lashed out because he was being tormented.
And don't meet up again, parents whose little darlings can do no wrong will never change, thus their little darlings will continue to wind up until they get a reaction. That and putting up a post about it on fb. Can you comment on it, something like "you reap what you sow".
You don't say how old she is. So I'm assuming similar ages - my response would be different if she was much younger tbsp him.
I'm also assuming friend and her dd are aware your ds has these difficulties.
Ok yes he shouldn't have pushed her and I think you should have tried to to get him to apologise to her but neither should she have interfered with his creation.
Totally agree she needs to learn there are consequences to her actions.
It's hard to know how the situation started isn't it, whether he was being over protective of his creation or she was being malicious. Your son says he pushed her away. What does the other child say he did to hurt her?
I agree the situation is bad enough as it is without further punishment, but if your DS thumped her he maybe needs reinforcement that he can't hit someone, whatever they have done to him.
I hope you don't lose your friendship.
Well, no he shouldnt have pushed her but I'm assuming your friend is aware of your son's additional needs?
How old is her dd? Because if she's only three or something then I think it's a greyer area.
YABU. Neither of you saw what happened and the children's stories differed. You have decided that therefore DS must be right and are entirely blaming the other girl and saying she deserved it without really knowing what happened. I can understand why your friend is pissed off.
In those situations they both get told off, her for deliberately causing him upset and your DS for pushing her.
But since she was n't getting told off, no way shoudl your DS be punished!
Awww thanks all - you've actually made me cry
Dd is same age as DS. They do know he has difficulties as kids went to nursery together and so have grown up with each other. It's how friend and I met.
We have a very similar sense of humour and like same tv music etc so always have lots to chat about. Ds generally keeps himself to himself but does play 1:1 with her DD. She can be a madam because <ironically!> friend always excuses her behaviour.
FB post was a meme about how some parents should parent rather than make excuses. then a post about how her fun planned day hadn't turned out as expected but that wasn't her and her kids fault.
TBH this has surprised me. Yes, she is known to be the one who's kids are not pulled up for their behaviour. But this whole FB and horrid texting is out of character. She usually just quietly turns the other cheek or cuddles her children if one of us is giving the group a group warning about behaving appropriately. (I'm sure you all know how a bunch of 10-12 yo can be when together and egging each other on!) but they are generally a good bunch of kids who a quick stern word or look is enough for!
I'd be asking what consequences her child was going to have for being nasty and unkind?
My DS is also 11, also ASD. I think it's testament to your parenting that he only pushed her away. If mine had been in a similar situation i'm not sure he would have been able to not loose his temper to the point of actively going for the person who ruined his creation. Your friend is being totally unreasonable. Her daughter needs to learn that if you poke a bear it bites. Any child who had their creation deliberately ruined would react badly, so it would be a life lesson and her mother is remiss in not making sure she learns it. I'd keep my child away from hers as it's not going to end well if you don't unless her attitude changes.
Bill her DD admitted she kicked and ruined his sand structure because he shouted at her for using her feet on it.
Ds hurt her by pushing her hard. Both admit this.
DS gets himself in such a state after he reacts. He knows he shouldn't use physical force but can't control it yet. So when he does react he then feels really bad and even more anxious about self control etc.
He's having CBT through Camhs for it.
You might as well take the bull by the horns and challenge her on fb, see what excuse she makes
I am livid on your behalf which as you can see I am a long time member but very infrequent poster.
Your friend is a major dope and her dd is being reared as a mini major dope. Horrible mother, horrible child. Do not punish your son and do not respond to her on fb. Show her up for the dope she is!!!
I would have bollocked my DD for behaviour like that. I can't stand it when people think their kids can't do any wrong.
I love my 3 dearly but I'm well aware of their faults and will deal with any undesirable behaviour when I see it, some parents are blind to it!! How?? 😕
Yanbu her dds behaviour was spiteful, yet she has no consequences for her actions. I wouldn't bother with the friend again, I think her dds behaviour is likely to become worse
You sound like you handled it and yourself perfectly. Ignore the FB shite and move on knowing that neither child acted perfectly but only one parent seems to comprehend this (ie. You). Which will serve both you and your son far better for the future.
My goodness your friend is one of those, eye rolls. I would avoid playdates with her and her kids, as she does not allow them to be disciplined. I would have asked her, how she will punish her dd for ruining ds car creation. That is one friend I would not have op! You need those with you, not against you.
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