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Not to tell my friend that her DP is on a dating site?

(32 Posts)
LobsterQuadrille Fri 29-Jul-16 10:36:16

I'm on POF. Last night, I received a message from the long term partner of a reasonably close friend of mine. I know that they've had issues in the past but I met her last week and she gave every impression that they were fine - they bought a holiday home together last year, FB says that he brought her breakfast in bed yesterday morning and spent the day on the beach (that's actually the only indication that things might be wrong - the FB posts saying "we're fine").

His POF profile said that he was "separated". Incidentally I have never met him, but have seen enough photos of him to know 100% that it was him. I replied "Hi (real name), I'm a good friend of A's and I hope that all is OK with the two of you" or something like that. The next thing I know, the messages plus his profile have disappeared (I googled and it's possible to do this if you a) block the person and then b) delete your profile).

I'm thinking that I shouldn't interfere, that there may be stuff going on that I don't know about, that he may have "just been looking". This is more of a WWYD - I suppose that I would want to know but I can't bring myself to tell her and have actually cancelled coffee with her tomorrow in case her conversation is all about him and how happy they are .....

DollyBarton Fri 29-Jul-16 10:43:38

I would tell a good friend. It's the right thing to do.

Grassgreendashhabi Fri 29-Jul-16 10:44:58

I would. And if possible is there a record of it in your messages... Don't know how pof works

ChicRock Fri 29-Jul-16 10:46:33

She's s close friend, why wouldn't you tell her?

Imagine finding out that your DP was active in dating sites. Then finding out that actually a close friend Not only knew this but was messaged by him, and said nothing. confused

BrandNewAndImproved Fri 29-Jul-16 10:48:15

I told my friend about her partner messaging me on pof. They're still together after the arguments and the sti he gave her.

It's quite awkward now. I don't go round there as he now doesn't like me for telling on him.

LobsterQuadrille Fri 29-Jul-16 10:49:20

There's no record - which I thought impossible before I googled. No account, no message in my inbox or in my "sent" messages. But I am fairly sure that she would believe me - he does have "form" for the this but in the past - as in, many years ago and not a dating site.

Maybe I'll meet her next week instead and ask how it's going and base a decision on that. Last night I was sure that I'd keep quiet but it's been bothering me overnight.

Missgraeme Fri 29-Jul-16 10:49:50

If u don't tell her then surely u are an accessory to his cheating?

LucyLocketLostIt Fri 29-Jul-16 10:52:35

My vote would be to tell her. She should know.

LobsterQuadrille Fri 29-Jul-16 10:52:44

Missgraeme I guess that's why I posted on here, having been so sure last night.

Sofabitch Fri 29-Jul-16 10:57:42

I told my friend that her Dp was on a swinging site once...she since found out about 10+ affairs.

I hear they are getting married this year. She doesnt speak to me anymore for trying to ruin her relationship. Tbh i couldn't care less.

My best friends partner has cheated on her a ton of times ... still is.. i tod her the first time i found out (it was his 3rd affair). But since then have decided she clearly knows/suspects but is choosing to turn a blind eye.

For some reason often the person telling is seen as the bad person... go fugure

AnotherEmma Fri 29-Jul-16 11:02:54

" I suppose that I would want to know but I can't bring myself to tell her and have actually cancelled coffee with her tomorrow in case her conversation is all about him and how happy they are ....."

So far you're acting like a coward and a shit friend.

I can't believe you have actually cancelled coffee with her.

You should have taken a screenshot of his profile and message. You shouldn't have replied to him at all. Now you've given him chance to delete everything and cover his tracks.

You would want to know. So do the right thing.

Unless you're not her friend after all.

LobsterQuadrille Fri 29-Jul-16 11:03:05

Sofabitch - kind of shoot the messenger - that was my initial thought, along with the fact that I have no proof. And that he could claim to have been "curious" and the kind of crap that people come out with, and that their partners choose to believe because it's the easier path.

I still don't really know. Either way, when we meet and she starts talking about how great he is, I suspect that I won't be able to look her in the eye - my brother always said I made a lousy poker player.

JustGettingStarted Fri 29-Jul-16 11:49:08

She's not an accomplice, FFS. She's not responsible for the misdeeds of other people. There have been threads on here before where a friend's partner hits on someone. The friendship usually ends.

I guess I would tell, but be fully prepared to lose the friendship.

SookieandEric Fri 29-Jul-16 11:51:39

Of course you have to tell her. Like today. Like now.

If not you're giving him time to come up with a plausible excuse or to put your name through the mud first. Don't think for one second he isn't already on the offensive.

glitterwhip Fri 29-Jul-16 11:56:26

I would definitely tell her's just a shame you didn't manage to screenshot the conversation
I'd imagine he's done a proper CSI job clearing up his evidence by now

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn Fri 29-Jul-16 12:15:59

As you'get not got proof, you're in a tricky situation as he will deny it and she will probably shoot the messenger. He certainly won't have told her anything.

You're not an accessory to him cheating by not saying anything. He's the only one in the wrong here.

I'd keep my mouth shut. If you see him on POF or another dating site again - after all he won't be able to keep away if he's planning on cheating - screen shot and show it to her.

From personal experience the only thing that happens if you tell someone their partner is looking to cheat, or is cheating, it's the person who is doing the telling that ends up in the shit.

Repeat: Not my circus, not my monkeys.

AnotherEmma Fri 29-Jul-16 12:32:16

I would rather tell my friend and lose the friendship than hide the truth.

If my friend blamed me for being honest about her partner's shitty behaviour, she wouldn't be a friend worth keeping.

Missgraeme Fri 29-Jul-16 12:35:48

Either look a bitch for telling her or stand next to her at the wedding and let her make a fool of herself. And when she finds out u will look a bitch anyway!!

DietCockBreak Fri 29-Jul-16 12:42:59

Tell her. It's not your job to hide his cheating.

RainbowJack Fri 29-Jul-16 12:43:59

You wouldn't be a friend of mine if you knew and kept it to yourself.

timelytess Fri 29-Jul-16 12:46:54

Not my circus, not my monkeys.
Best advice as posted upthread.

LobsterQuadrille Fri 29-Jul-16 12:50:12

Thanks for your replies. With hindsight, of course I wish I'd taken a screenshot but I didn't realise that someone's account plus all messages could be wiped off with no trace. It's very unlikely that he would accuse me of making advances because he is completely not my type (much younger (I go for older), a heavy drinker (I am in AA), scruffy etc etc) whereas my friend and I are quite similar, drinking aside.

I'm still undecided and yes, I have given him thinking time. I suppose it's a case of asking for advice when you know the answer and wish you didn't as I do suspect if I tell her I'll lose a friend.

ButtMuncher Fri 29-Jul-16 12:51:32

I'd want to know, but I understand you're in a bit of a bind here as you don't actually have any proof. TBH, I dunno why you'd have replied with "hope everything is OK" when you could see everything was just fine on FB, but horses for courses - I'd have been screenshotting the shit out of that profile! So realistically, what proof have you got to substantiate your claim?

I haven't used POF for many years, but I remember once upon a time when you'd receive a message from another user, they would often have the users profile embedded within the e-mail with a small jpeg of the profile picture. Him blocking/deleting his profile wouldn't affect this as it was embedded in the e-mail at the point of sending it. May be worth a shot.

LobsterQuadrille Fri 29-Jul-16 12:57:13

Buttmuncher again, with hindsight it wasn't an intelligent reply, but I was so astounded that I just wanted him to know that I knew - and my automatic reaction wasn't to get proof or be sleuth-like, it was to get him off the site and stop him. Stupid but true.

I can't find any trace of the message to him or from him - and I googled and there was a similar question from someone a few years ago and the same thing had happened (except in his case it was a woman he obviously liked). I even set up another POF account in case he'd just blocked me - but he'd deleted the whole account. Sadly my sleuthing skills appeared too late.

Smurfnoff Fri 29-Jul-16 12:59:22

I can see why Sofabitch is saying she might shoot the messenger, and I think you may have to be prepared for that. But I also think it would be far worse if she finds out later that you knew.

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