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To not want to meet up with my friend EVERY SINGLE DAY.

(55 Posts)
littlemisssocialworker Fri 29-Jul-16 09:51:34

That's it really. I made friends with her years ago and we stopped contact after she got married. I never heard from her after that and it made me realise I had been used for company rather than for a genuine friendship.

Her marriage ended after months and she returned to this country 3 years later. I had no message or phone call in those few years she was not in the UK.

I then bumped into her in a restaurant and we chatted while my son played with her daughter. There is a year between them. She added me on Facebook afterwards and I accepted just to be nice.

Since then she has asked me to meet up every single day. I feel completely and utterly smothered. She's clearly very lonely with no friends. She has no friends because unfortunately she just isn't a likeable person and she lies a lot/seems emotionally unstable. She spends a lot of time talking about her boyfriend who she met at University when everyone knows she met him online and has never even met him.

My Son enjoys playing with her daughter and so I did agree to meet up quite a bit and I wouldn't have minded meeting up once a week or even twice a week.

If she had her way she would see me every single day, all day. So far this week I met her in town for most of the day. That was Monday. She then arranged to meet up on Tuesday to go to soft play, Wednesday for a fair, Thursday for swimming, Friday for a picnic!!! These are all really nice activities but I didn't want to spend that much time with her and while I do meet up about 4 times a week with her because my son likes her daughter and I feel sorry for her, I'm just getting exhausted.

I managed to make an excuse to not go out yesterday and she arranged on the phone to go swimming today at 11am. I said 'oh I will see how I get on'. She has rang me 5 times now to see if I was going so I made my apologises and said I had some food shopping to do. She then said it was okay we would meeting up on Saturday!

I have tried to introduce her to some more friends and have introduced her to a lot of my Mummy friends. None of them liked her and she tried adding them on Facebook after the first meeting which they found a bit forward. They also didn't like that she refuses to let her ex see their child (she says she wants a clean break) but it is very selfish when he's a good Dad. He hasn't seen their daughter for over a year.

If she lived locally I wouldn't mind, and if I liked her more I wouldn't mind. But I need to some how faze out this friendship as I'm feeling really smothered and to be honest I think she's only using me for company. If she got a boyfriend in the area I would never hear from her again. She lives 45 mins drive away and more on public transport so it's also a financial issue meeting up as we meet somewhere in the middle each time. I don't enjoy travelling that amount in the week.

I know some people are really lonely and would love someone like her! I'm just not the right match for her.

Honestly, what would you do? Any tips on fazing out this friendship? She has already decided I'm her bestfriend and it's kinda creepy.

Aeroflotgirl Fri 29-Jul-16 09:53:40

You have to say no, I am busy, no no no. Delete and block her on Facebook!

Rainbowshine Fri 29-Jul-16 09:56:08

Just tell her you have other plans for the day. Stop using "I'll see how we're getting on" as that's not saying no. Your time is just that, yours. You do not owe it to anyone else.

defineme Fri 29-Jul-16 09:57:37

You don't need to give reasons or make excuses. 'No thanks' 'no that doesn't work for me' you could also have a break from Facebook

FreedomIsInPeril Fri 29-Jul-16 09:57:43

Have you ever heard of the word no? This isn't her problem, its yours. Stop letting her think she's your best friend, its cruel.

MidnightRunner87 Fri 29-Jul-16 09:59:52

Just say 'no, that doesn't work for me' if you don't want to meet. You really don't have to make excuses or feel that you have to meet, if you don't want to your not obliged to and really is as simple as saying the above.

BarbLives Fri 29-Jul-16 10:00:18

I would start agreeing to meet only once a week - if you accept an invite to softplay on Tuesday, tell her you're busy the rest of the week. Maybe get your calendar out on your phone and suggest doing something next week, say you'll text her at the weekend.

I think you need to be quite clear/robust in what you want and manage her expectations. If you've said you're busy the rest of the week and she tries to arrange to meet, tell her you can't do anything this week. If you have said you will speak to her/text on Saturday, ignore any texts/calls in between.

littlemisssocialworker Fri 29-Jul-16 10:00:40

I can't always be busy though. I do say no a lot. About 4 times a week I turn down an invite. She just invites me for the day after or the day after that. So it doesn't work!

StillStayingClassySanDiego Fri 29-Jul-16 10:00:54

Just tell her you don't want to meet up.

Be brave, stand up for yourself and don't be forced into doing something you don't want to do.

littlemisssocialworker Fri 29-Jul-16 10:01:43

Good ideas about saying I'm only free once a week. I'm in two minds about whether I want to be friends at all.

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes Fri 29-Jul-16 10:01:50

You need to break her habit.

Tell her you have houseguests for a week so you can't meet up.

Then be ill for a week.

By that time she'll be out of the habit of relying on you.

I've had to so this myself btw. It's tedious.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Fri 29-Jul-16 10:02:55

Tell her the truth and get her off your back.

"I don't want to see you all the time, you are overwhelming me with your insistence on meeting up everyday"

BarbLives Fri 29-Jul-16 10:04:00

So don't just turn down an invite, turn it down and say 'I'm busy the rest of this week' or ' we can do something next Thursday'.

Maybe you need to take control and tell her when you are prepared to see/talk to her, rather than it being on her terms?

If the truth is you don't want to meet up or speak to her ever again, then you can't do a phase out - you have to be blunt and say so.

humblesims Fri 29-Jul-16 10:07:02

I think if you are not sure about whether you want to be friends with her at all then it wouldnt hurt to honestly call her on the lack of communication and commitment to the friendship in the past. she sounds like a bit of a user and not able to cope with her own company. She may suffer with some MH issue though so would try and be kind but truthful.

Rainbowshine Fri 29-Jul-16 10:09:10

Of course you can just keep saying no. It will be tedious but she may find someone else to leech off if you're not around. As others have said tell her you're around every other Tuesday and plan to go to soft play or something.

SheHasAWildHeart Fri 29-Jul-16 10:16:43

Just say no.
Don't answer the phone every time she rings.
Text rather than call - I find it easier to lie over text than a call smile

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF Fri 29-Jul-16 10:18:02

You have my sympathies. I became involved with a neighbour, and it became very clear early on that we didn't have an awful lot in common. I had just split up with my ex and could have done with someone to chat to, but she just wittered on endlessly about herself. She would knock on my door every single bloody morning - I remember once crawling around my living room floor, desperately looking for my phone, because if I didn't answer the door, she would then shout through the windows, and finally start phoning me. My DS was due to be starting the same school as hers in September and she had every morning planned already; walk to school together, walk back, coffee.....

About a month ago, she was given a council house in another town & her children would be switching schools. She told me that out of everyone she knew, I was the only one genuinely excited for her (because I was bloody relieved...). So difficult, as I am crap at confrontation, and my personal solution would be to continue making excuses until she gets the hint. Cowardly, I know....

littlemisssocialworker Fri 29-Jul-16 10:20:16

Thanks for the replies. I think if I thought she was a genuine friend it would be so different. But I think she just has no friends and is using me for company as she is lonely.

InternationalHouseofToast Fri 29-Jul-16 10:22:22

Can you find a specific activity that the children would like and say we'll meet you at X next Monday and stick at just X activity every Monday then you are meeting her but not every day?

WhatamessIgotinto Fri 29-Jul-16 10:25:12

Be consistent. Arrange to meet her when it suits and if it doesn't tell her you're not free. You don't have to make excuses or tell her what you're doing, just say you can't make it. If she keeps ringing don't pick up.

pictish Fri 29-Jul-16 10:26:15

OP while this friend is undeniably demanding and intense, the problem here isn't actually with her, it's with you giving in to her and saying yes at every turn!

Even lonely people wouldn't 'love someone like her' as you suggest - no one needs to see that much of anyone who doesn't live in their house or isn't directly related to them in some way. Talk about overkill!

You need to work on implementing your boundaries. If she won't take the hint you'll need to be more explicit. I suspect you're a softy so this will be hard for you, but really...what are you going to do? Hand all your free time to this woman on a plate forever more?

Reign it in before you end up hating her.

pictish Fri 29-Jul-16 10:29:13

I was going to say, "Reign it in before she starts making your skin crawl" but decided that was too harsh.
I now note you're finding her 'creepy', so that repulsion has already begun to take hold.

Pop on your grown up lady knickers and take control of your life back. Today.

MonkeyPJs Fri 29-Jul-16 10:31:38

One thing I am curious about though is the part where you introduced her to your other friends and none of them liked her. Had you bagged her to these friends first? I only wonder as if a friend of mine introduced me to one of their friends, I wouldn't say I didn't like them to my friend out of respect for them unless I had the strong sense that my friend didn't really like them either. If your friends did say they didn't like her unprompted, this reflects a bit badly on them too I think

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF Fri 29-Jul-16 10:33:00

Agree with pictish. I began to really resent my neighbour, and she too began calling me her best friend after about a week. It was just too intense. She's moved now and actually left owing me £50 which I can ill afford. Funnily enough, she's not been in touch since. Part of me wants my money back, and part of me feels it's actually a small price to pay for my newly found freedom!

pictish Fri 29-Jul-16 10:38:15

I agree with StayingClassy's truthful approach btw. There are ways of telling someone a painful truth without being rude or unpleasant.

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