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To think my Partner has fallen in love with his work collegue

(35 Posts)
littlemisssocialworker Thu 28-Jul-16 22:31:16

Something has been playing on my mind. My partner and I have been together almost 5 years. We met at 19 and we are now 24. We do not have children at the moment. He’s a faithful and loyal guy and I don’t suspect he’s actually cheated for one minute, but I do think he’s fallen in love with someone else.

A young lady joined his team at work and she’s not just pretty, she’s very charming too and has a warm, friendly manner.
My boyfriend is just a typical confident, flirty/friendly guy. He will often comment that girls are hot and I do the same. It’s not an issue. But when I mentioned how pretty his work colleague was he said she wasn’t. It’s the first time he’s denied fancying someone who is attractive.

I’ve noticed at work functions where I have been there, that she has a profound effect on him. He will be relaxed but when she walks into the room he notices and goes quiet/nervous. He notices her straight away. He will then proceed to ignore her completely and go out of his way not to be in her company. She has definitely noticed but seems to be mature about it. He makes a conscious effort not to look at her but does sneak a glance from time to time.

If he has joint work to do with her he makes a big deal in front of myself and colleagues that he can’t remember who he’s going to the meeting with when I know full well he knows he’s going with her. He’s trying to show she doesn’t mean anything to him (no idea why he does this). He will try and get out of any joint work with her as I’ve heard him trying to get out of meetings with her before and he doesn’t do that with anyone else. And yet, while he tries everything he can not to be with her 1 on 1, he always stands near her, just not talking or looking at her.

She has tried to be friendly with him when I’ve been around her and she seems really nice but he doesn’t engage in conversation with her to the point of being rude. I actually felt a bit sorry for her. l I spoke to a member of his team who didn’t know who I was who said ‘look at him there with that school boy crush’. He said that my partner was flirty with the young lady in the office but for some reason outside of the office became very standoffish with her and would’t speak to her/ have joint work with her. No one knows why but they think it might be because someone suggested he liked her. This may have made him uncomfortable but I doubt he would flirt with her if he didn’t find her attractive at all and wanted to put an end to rumours.

I noticed he suddenly started dressing nicer for work too.

We were out for dinner. It was her leaving dinner and he was sat opposite her. He had made sure he wasn’t next to her. People started talking about Facebook and he suddenly came out with ‘You’ve deleted me on Facebook’. She seemed surprised and assured him that she had never had him on Facebook |(something I’m sure he was aware of). She then proceeded to add him. Nothing more was said. If he didn’t like her, I’m sure he wouldn’t want to add her on Facebook. And his way of doing it was slyly trying to get her to add him.

When they were leaving she said bye and he asked her to contact him if she needed any help with her studies.

Now he’s got some new pretty girls in his office and he’s just his usual friendly/flirty/harmless self. I have a feeling he’s still thinking about his old work colleague but if I even try and discuss it he tells me he doesn’t fancy her and just didn’t feel comfortable with her. He probably looks at her Facebook although he never mentions her. Am I being unreasonable to think there’s something about this that shows he has feelings for her? It’s a gut instinct. He seemed so affected by her! Any thought on what could be his reasons for being like this?

I don't think he's cheated or is currently cheating. But I can't help but think he has feelings for her. Just because of the massive difference in the way he cats with her and with everyone else. AIBU? What other explanations could there be?

littlemisssocialworker Thu 28-Jul-16 22:38:42

I know it may look like I'm being over the top but he seems almost scared of her! It's bizarre

Ilovemygsd Thu 28-Jul-16 22:45:08

School boy crush

panegyricS1 Thu 28-Jul-16 22:45:18

Unless I've missed something, it sounds to me as if he developed feelings for her, but tried hard - successfully - not to act on them. He was tempted but knew cheating would be wrong, so distanced himself from her. There are lots of threads on here by mumsnetters who've got crushes but don't want to jeopardise their relationships - he's like that, perhaps? .

puglife15 Thu 28-Jul-16 22:46:10

I don't think he's in love with her, that's quite a leap.

Maybe he had a bit of a crush on her, maybe something awkward happened between them.

I've had situations at work where there are people I've wanted to impress (and definitely NOT fancied) and end up just bring really awkward in front of them.

WeekendAway Thu 28-Jul-16 22:48:24

It sounds to me as though he does hVe a massive crush on her, mutual colleagues have noticed and mentioned it and he's now doing everything he can to avoid making it obvious because he's embarrassed.

I suspect the Facebook comment was that he sent her a friends request which she didn't accept and then later deleted. Perhaps she was playing it coy and pretending not to remember?

Anyway, she's left now, he's not having an affair and clearly feels uncomfortable about the whole thing so just try not to dwell on it and keep grilling him about her. If it's just a crush it's not the end of the world.

littlemisssocialworker Thu 28-Jul-16 22:48:42

Thank you for the replies. He says he just doesn't feel comfortable with her. He suggests he just isn't keen on her personally. Do you think that's unlikely to be the case?

My gut tells me he has feelings for her, albeit ones he doesn't want to act on. He has many pretty female friends and seems fine with them. People he doesn't like he usually is indifferent too.

It's just odd how far he would go to avoid her completely is it not?

springydaffs Thu 28-Jul-16 23:23:16

We all get crushes now and again. They are torture. But he's done the right thing. Bravo him.

littlemisssocialworker Thu 28-Jul-16 23:27:38

But he's subtly managed to get her on facebook. Hardly the actions of a man who just wants to forget her.

I agree everything else points to the fact he wants his feelings to go away. But having her on Facebook will do the complete opposite.

He also offered her help as she was leaving her party. But maybe that was just polite conversation.

Metalguru Thu 28-Jul-16 23:30:00

Absolutely classic description of a crush, doesn't sound like he wants to act on it or that she reciprocates but you are very observant, good for you, you won't be starting a thread on here in ten years about how your DH has been cheating under your nose and you never noticed.

CwtchyQ Thu 28-Jul-16 23:41:12

I don't know what to think really, though I suppose if I were me I'd do the wrong thing and keep going on and on about it because it would fester. I would find it hard to feel like my significant other wasn't being honest with me. But like I said, I don't know if that's rational.

Maybe - maybe - sit down with him and try and have a really honest conversation whereby you tell him exactly how you feel and what you think you noticed. He doesn't sound like a bad person.

littlemisssocialworker Thu 28-Jul-16 23:46:57

I might try and talk to him.

Does anyone think there's any possibility that he just didn't click with her and wasn't keen on her and thats why he's acting like this rather than having a crush?

Or that he never had a crush and avoids her so she/other work collegues don't get him wrong?

eightbluebirds Thu 28-Jul-16 23:49:40

Sounds like a crush he's trying to avoid. Only thing he can do until it passes really.

littlemisssocialworker Thu 28-Jul-16 23:57:47

will it ever pass?

Daisygarden Fri 29-Jul-16 00:07:24

Well, nobody knows that but if he's not in regular contact at work anymore (did you say she'd left?) there's a better chance it'll pass, if that's what it is. A lot of people get minor crushes on work colleagues but it's a crush, not actually a serious possibility.

Bogeyface Fri 29-Jul-16 00:22:27

They do pass and then you feel like ten types of twat for getting in such a state about the person.

I have had many crushes over the years, and they have all passed.

Sounds like he loves you and this crush took him by surprise so he has done all the right things to distance himself from her.

AdjustableWench Fri 29-Jul-16 00:27:03

Yes. Crushes do pass. It sounds like he's making every effort to manage his feelings, which is a good sign. I wouldn't worry about the facebook thing, because it seems like you can trust him.

2nds Fri 29-Jul-16 00:37:12

Not all men fancy every good looking woman they work with. It's possible that he doesn't like her at all and could be trying to keep her at arms length. She might not even fancy him either.

Lilacpink40 Fri 29-Jul-16 00:46:27

You have gut instincts telling you that he was and maybe still is attracted to her. Are you also feeling that he's less attracted to you?

It's possible to find multiple people attractive, but if you're feeling a change towards you that is important to discuss.

Better still plan lots of fun things together and see if everything feels normal again.

ZBWRDSM Fri 29-Jul-16 00:47:26

Why would a 24 year old refer to "a young lady"? I'm sorry but that language doesn't ring true to me.

puglife15 Fri 29-Jul-16 03:52:33

I would maybe rib him for it - "omg you totally have a crush on her!" It will take the tension out of the situation and help it to pass.

The thing about a crush is it's never real. Not real feelings, circumstances etc. In my experience they go away quickly as they come.

Fwiw I'm friends on FB with people I've had a crush on in the past and truly feel nothing for them now smile

Missyaggravation Fri 29-Jul-16 04:15:33

Why would he purposely try to get her to friend him on fb in front of you though? That seems odd, if they weren't already friends.

Your spidey senses are tingling for a reason, I think they are rarely wrong tbh. Maybe it's the "in plain sight" thing why they became Fb friends whilst you were there.

I'd be watchful tbh, I'm a paranoid android though. Well, just realistic actually, people are twats when genitals are involved :/

Tartsamazeballs Fri 29-Jul-16 07:26:42

It could be that she made a pass at him and he didn't enjoy the experience?

I know similar has happened to my husband before. He told me about it though- we don't do secrets.

DaintySong Fri 29-Jul-16 20:42:32

I'd be worried that there's more to it. You can only see how he's reacting to her being around when you're there. It's obvious that he'll pretend that he's not interested in her with you or others watching, but you could tell that he wasn't behaving normally. Why do you think he was flirty with her in the office? You're probably ok as she's left now, but why did he need to get her on Facebook as she was leaving..?

Daisygarden Fri 29-Jul-16 22:06:09

I thought that too ZBW but thought maybe OP is just posh grin

I say chap, referring to men, quite frequently.

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