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To just tell her to f**k off?!

(35 Posts)
Heidibb Thu 28-Jul-16 18:03:39

FILs partner, call her Kate because that's easier than saying FILS partner haha, used to look after SILs sons, 4 and 7, at least once a week and would often have them for sleepovers yet would go months and months without even asking how my 2 sons, 2 and 4, are doing. She'd spend massive amounts of FILs money (she's on benefits fraudently and doesn't work) on my nephews, buying them toys, clothes ETC, but never a penny our way apart from Chrismas and birthdays.

Everytime I suggest doing things, E.G cinema, zoo, park; some things that don't cost money and other things that I'd happily pay for, she would say she couldn't because SIL and her sons would get upset that she didn't take them or do something with them separelty (although she does every week) But she is always taking those 2 out and not including my son. I've heard from her sons girlfriend (only 19 but I have a really good relationship with her) that Kate has even encouraged them to lie to me when I've asked about things and told her 2 sons, 17 and 19, and their girlfriends not to put things on Facebook with SILs children because she told me she was too busy to see my children that day but had taken nephews out. She has also told the girlfriend I've said no to her (the girlfriend) taking my sons and dogs(she loves my Labrador) to the park for a few hours even though she never asked me.

2 weeks ago Kate argued with SIL and since then has been refused contact with SILS children. IMO it's just SIL attention seeking and over reacting. Obviously missing having some kids around to spoil (she is still young, only in her late 30s and her 2 boys are basically adults so maybe that is relevant some how?) she messaged me a few days ago saying her and FIL feel bad for not seeing me, my partner and my boys much and they want to come up with some arrangement like they had with SIL where we go out like once a week to do something fun with the boys and then go out for food.

I know she is just doing this because she no longer has contact with her other GC and in all honestly am very bitter about it. I want to say to her no, she hasn't had any interest before now so why should I just allow her to swoop in but at the same time I don't want to deprive my sons of a relationship with their grandparents. I'm also worried that once SIL has gotten over her tantrum and wants Kate to start looking after her kids again then she is just going to drop my kids and stop seeing them.

ayeokthen Thu 28-Jul-16 18:07:06

I reckon your first instincts sound right, the way she's dropped your SIL's kids must be really rough on them, and I'm sure you don't want that for your kids. I'd go with your gut on this one.

PeekAtChu Thu 28-Jul-16 18:07:49

I'd feel the same as you, OP. Your kids have managed without her before, she can't just pick them up and drop them when it suits her.

Lunar1 Thu 28-Jul-16 18:10:05

Fuck off is about right. She'd drop yours just as quick on a whim.

Heidibb Thu 28-Jul-16 18:13:10

She didn't choose to stop seeing SIL and her kids, it was SILs choice, if that makes any difference. Probably not

ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout Thu 28-Jul-16 18:16:46

No way. Your kids aren't substitutes to be picked up and dropped when her preferred kids are back on the scene. I'd tell her to F off and tell her that you know everything about the lying, etc. Trust your gut

Lasagna Thu 28-Jul-16 18:16:51

Is the problem just with "Kate" or with your FIL too?

If just Kate could you not just say FIL is more than welcome to see kids as often as he likes but she isn't?

Did you argue with her at any point that has made her dislike you and then just taken it out on kids? Find it very weird that she actively stopped her sons girlfriend taking your son out by lying.

TheRealKimmySchmidt63 Thu 28-Jul-16 18:21:09

I'd let the kids see her but not every week maybe once a month/6 weeks so if it does fall apart at least it won't hit them too bad. She sounds v immature but still give the kids a chance if you can bear it just not full on!

Heidibb Thu 28-Jul-16 18:24:30

I can't tell her I know she has lied as that would drop her sons girlfriend right in it and would then Kate would start making her sons relationship difficult. She's a very 2 faced bitchy person, she will bitch to the 19 year olds girlfriend about the 17 year olds girlfriend and Vice Versa so things are already very odd there without making things worse.

I've been told by SIL that she's even said her kids are her favourite grandchild. My heart broke for my kids when I heard that.

The problem is with Kate but FIL will always say he's not getting involved but that only means he is, without realising, actually taking her side. If we did say to FIL he could see my kids but no Kate I can guarantee they will go behind my back and she'd end up seeing them anyway.

Not argument or falling out as far as I'm concerned. If there was a problem I'm sure I would know, she is very loud and will say if she has something to say.

I find it weird aswell about lying to the girlfriend but this was a year ago when we had only met a handful of time and she's only been with Kate's son a few months so maybe she just didn't want her involved with the kids of she was just going to disappear soon(if they broke up).

Lewwat Thu 28-Jul-16 18:30:30

He said she said

What would make you happy in this situation?
Your annoyed because Kate didnt show interest in your kids but now annoyed because she is.
What do you want 😂

Queenofthecats Thu 28-Jul-16 18:30:34

If we did say to FIL he could see my kids but no Kate I can guarantee they will go behind my back and she'd end up seeing them anyway

How do you know that when her sons girlfriend is seeing your children she isn't taking them to see her anyway? Why do you trust her more than your partners dad. Not being rude, just curious.

she is very loud and will say if she has something to say

Polite way of saying she's an arse hole then? grin

She has also told the girlfriend I've said no to her (the girlfriend) taking my sons and dogs(she loves my Labrador) to the park for a few hours even though she never asked me.

If you have a close relationship with the girlfriend why didn't she ask you herself as opposed to asking through your MIL who has little contact with you?

Cabrinha Thu 28-Jul-16 18:30:58

Well she sounds horribly so even aside from the potential to just drop your kids later - why would you want her around them?

Your FIL is just as much a problem, he's also choosing not to bother with your kids.

His son - your partner - is notably absent from your post. What does he think.

I would make vague non committal noises about it being a lovely idea, and you'll get back to her.

Then don't.

If she pushes you with a suggested date say sorry, we're seeing SIL. Mwah ha ha 😈

scaryteacher Thu 28-Jul-16 18:31:28

Presumably she isn't your kids real grandmother though? I was unfortunate enough to have a 'stepmonster', and I refused point blank to acknowledge her as my ds's grandmother, as she wasn't. He already had two grandmothers, my dm, and mil, and he didn't need her too. My db chose to engage, with his kids, and was most upset when his kids were dropped, as her own had started reproducing.

Don't get drawn in, she's playing games, and the fall out won't be pretty.

happypoobum Thu 28-Jul-16 18:32:46

Well if she is such a two faced bitchy person I can't imagine why you want her anywhere near your DC?

Heidibb Thu 28-Jul-16 18:37:33

I'm not annoyed that she didn't show interest in my kids, I was at first but I came to accept it over the past 4 years. What I want to for my kids to be treated like humans by the person they call Nana and not picked up and dropped when it suits them. I'm also not annoyed that she wants to see my kids, in any other circumstances I wouldn't think twice but it's obvious she's only doing because she's no longer allowed to see SILs children.

When her sons girlfriend takes my sons out its always with me as she doesn't drive or only to a park round the corner. It's very rare she is alone for long amounts of time as I am a SAHM so I am quite sure she isn't taking them to see Kate behind my back. She asked through Kate because this was before we had a close relationship.

MadamDeathstare Thu 28-Jul-16 18:38:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 28-Jul-16 18:39:12

In all honesty I think it's an absolute blessing that she keeps her distance.

Your children aren't toys and she seems to like dividing the family - I'm wondering if she is trying to upset Sil and nothing more

I think if you take the bait then you will live to regret it as these people rarely change

Heidibb Thu 28-Jul-16 18:42:47

No she isn't their real grandmother but when she does see them she encourages them to call her "Nana".

My partner had a close relationship with his dad before the birth of my first child and her 2nd, after that it was always a competion between my partner and his sister which she always won. He was hurt but has just moved on now. He's been away for work, back tomorrow, so hasn't had time to talk about it and said we would talk when he is back.

I don't particularly want her around them but I always don't want them to later resent me for stopping her seeing them if they see their cousins getting lots of loving from her. It's not just about me and my wants, it's my kids too.

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF Thu 28-Jul-16 18:43:48

She's on benefits fraudrently and doesn't work. And this is relevant to your post because.....?

Heidibb Thu 28-Jul-16 18:46:04

I was saying she spends FILs money on SILs kids as she doesn't have her own. Probably wasn't relevant. But i was thinking more to the people saying she is entitled to spend her own money how she please.

PovertyPain Thu 28-Jul-16 18:46:34

Don't let her anywhere near your children. She will drop them as soon as your sil is speaking to her and that will happen as the sil won't want to give up the free child care. That will be so confusing for and cruel to your children.

hotdiggedy Thu 28-Jul-16 18:54:42

I think you dont like Kate very much and what on earth does her being on benefits have anything to do with things? I love that people 'know' so much about other peoples situations.

Heidibb Thu 28-Jul-16 18:56:24

Like I said, it was when saying she is spending FILs money. I do know so much about her situation as I lived with them for 4 years before we brought out own home.

Heidibb Thu 28-Jul-16 18:56:47

No I don't like Kate much because she treats people like dirt.

Queenofthecats Thu 28-Jul-16 18:58:06

Living with her doesn't mean you know her situation though surely?

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