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AIBU to not give consent to a trip to the US for my DS with his dad?

(170 Posts)
arewenearlythereyet Wed 27-Jul-16 22:25:09

I have not posted for a very long time, but I could do with some other views. My ex wants to take my DS (aged 10) to the US and return on the day that I am booked to go camping with DS. He has not booked the holiday yet, the camping holiday in Wales has been booked for months for 29th August, with other mums from school. My ds is going on the Monday with my friends, I am joining them on Tuesday as I have a wedding, my bf daughter. Ds is very excited about the holiday, chose to go on the Monday rather than come to the wedding. My ex says that this is the cheapest week to go to the US, financially we are worlds apart, the camping trip is as much as I can afford, but I offered to pay the difference in flights for his trip if he went the week before as I really do not want DS to be jet lagged on our camping trip. On top of this DS has said that he does not actually want to go to the US, they went last year and he's not bothered about going again. We have reached an impasse, where I finally said I do not give my consent for him to go. AIBU?

EveOnline2016 Wed 27-Jul-16 22:28:36

Yanbu for the simple fact that ds doesn't want to go and I believe contact and resident should be beneficial to the child and not the parents.

WiddlinDiddlin Wed 27-Jul-16 22:31:20

Kiddo doesn't want to go, so he doesn't go - he's 10, he knows his own mind.

SparkleSoiree Wed 27-Jul-16 22:34:35

YANBU. You've booked your holiday, you've set the dates and your ex has to work around those dates. Very generous of you to offer to pay the difference for them to fly the week before!

If the shoe was on the other foot would he be flexible and move his dates for you? Most importantly your DS has already made his views known in favour of the camping trip.

arewenearlythereyet Wed 27-Jul-16 22:41:53

Eve, I had already got into a disagreement with ex about him going because of the timing before DS said he didn't want to go. So now ex thinks I'm using this as an excuse. DS probably could fairly easily be persuaded that he will have a good time if he goes, he is a 'stay at home boy' by nature. I often have to cajole him into doing stuff with his dad.

arewenearlythereyet Wed 27-Jul-16 22:44:07

His argument is that he is working around my dates, and will make sure DS is back in time to go on our holiday. I'm really not happy about it.

hazeimcgee Wed 27-Jul-16 22:48:01

Do you believe he will be back in time for your friends to take him? If not could Dad keep him til you can take him next dat? Is it possible DS is saying no to keep you happy?

AndNowItsSeven Wed 27-Jul-16 22:48:03

You over thinking the jet lag, it's only America and young kids sleep better on planes etc.

NeedsAsockamnesty Wed 27-Jul-16 22:49:53

The entire point of giving consent is that you do so for things you want to happen.

Whilst consent for a holiday should not be unreasonably withheld if your reason is reasonable then you don't consent

KittyLaRoux Wed 27-Jul-16 22:55:08

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

budgiegirl Wed 27-Jul-16 22:59:07

If your DS genuinely doesn't want to go, then YANBU. But I think it could be very likely that your DS has picked up on the fact that you don't want him to go.

If I was you, I'd probably try to persuade your DS to go, time with both parents is important, this way he could spend quality holiday time with each of you, especially given that you are not going camping until the following day anyway

arewenearlythereyet Wed 27-Jul-16 23:01:18

All the points that you have made are fair, I don't know know how much effect the jet lag will have, and I do think that he will do his best to have him back in time to go on our holiday, but it does feel like 'are these really the only dates that you can take DS away'. Last year I changed our plans for a holiday, mys dd aged 25 wanted to take DS away and my ex was not happy so although I disagreed with his view I went with them because I feel strongly that compromise is better than conflict.

ChicRock Wed 27-Jul-16 23:01:19

If he was returning the day before your own holiday then I'd say you were being unreasonable.

But returning on the actual day that you're going? Nah. What if their flight is delayed, even by a couple of hours, that's your plans out the window.


SaucyJack Wed 27-Jul-16 23:02:12

I don't personally think one parent has the moral right to tell another parent what they can or can't do on their own contact time*, so for that alone I think YABU. Especially as you won't be there until the day after anyway.

*usual disclaimers re: neglect, abuse, endangerment, ritualistic infant sacrifice, yadda yadda yadda.

ChicRock Wed 27-Jul-16 23:04:56

Actually, just re-read your OP.

So DS is returning from the US on Monday, and you're going camping on the Tuesday?

You're just being an awkward bugger then aren't you. So he misses one day of camping, on which you weren't going to be there anyway, and just travels to the campsite with you on the Tuesday.

KittyLaRoux Wed 27-Jul-16 23:06:43

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

KittyLaRoux Wed 27-Jul-16 23:08:24


arewenearlythereyet Wed 27-Jul-16 23:18:06

Thanks, it does help to hear other views. Sometimes you can get bogged down in your own nine miles of shite. DS does not know about the potential dates for US trip yet so his feelings are not based on this. He's very excited about going with his friend for one night on his own and we are only going for 4 nights in total. Bloody hell, working all this stuff out reasonably is harder than being in a relationship with the ex and that is saying something after 4 years apart.

facebookrecruit Wed 27-Jul-16 23:18:20

A kid doesn't want to go on holiday to America - for a kid to refuse a holiday like that he mustn't want to go so don't bloody force him, poor lad

situatedknowledge Wed 27-Jul-16 23:23:26

Jet lag going in that direction really isn't a thing unless you are looking for it to be tbh.

He can have two amazing holidays and enjoy both!

KittyLaRoux Wed 27-Jul-16 23:25:50

Dad trumps friend.

arewenearlythereyet Wed 27-Jul-16 23:26:44

Kitty, I would never block contact, I have many times cajoled and persuaded him to go, and I have 15 years of negotiating contact with my ex husband and 5 other Dc (not the father of youngest DS). Both ex's are welcome in the house, come for family occasions, and spend time here even when I'm not here they order takeaway and watch TV with the kids and now grandchildren. I do not want to cause conflict I just think he has not booked the holiday yet, why does he have to book these dates, he is off for the whole of August and money is not an issue.

arewenearlythereyet Wed 27-Jul-16 23:30:05

And DS really is not that bothered about going, he is very excited about camping with his school friends, been taking about it for months and I don't want it it be spoiled. Maybe I am being precious, but this is why I posted smile

DoinItFine Wed 27-Jul-16 23:32:34

Jet lag going in that direction really isn't a thing unless you are looking for it to be tbh.


That's the bad direction.

And the one one where you are most likely on a red eye.

facebookrecruit Wed 27-Jul-16 23:34:17

Dad only trumps friend if child wants to holiday with dad. If the little boy is excited about the holiday mum booked MONTHS AGO then dads petty behaviour does not make him a priority hmm

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