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To think I'm not the only one who wouldn't be happy about this.

(21 Posts)
Buddahbelly Wed 27-Jul-16 19:59:14

I shouldn't even need to be having this conversation, yet here I am again stuck against dp, sil, mil & fil. Huge backstory with mil (Alcoholic, has only ever minded ds during the day, lets him go into her neighbours gardens who she barely knows, after I've asked her not to, The 1 time she watched him at our house he was 5 months old. when we came back at 11pm she was sitting drinking a huge bottle of cider she had brought with her. After that I never asked her back)

Thats just a snap shot of the last 4 years, its been much worse!

So sil is now living back at their house, she has been hinting for months now about ds going for a sleepover (by hinting she says when we are all there to ds, Oh you'll have to come and have a sleepover at nannys house wont you, then looks directly at me to gauge my reaction!)

Dp took ds to there house on sunday, we have a wedding to go to this weekend and it must have been mentioned as sil has now decided its the perfect excuse to have ds for the night (mil wont even ask anymore as she knows how I feel about her watching him). Dp mentioned it to me when he came in and I laughed it off, more of a well where do you think they'd put him for the night type of laugh.

Mil is currently in the master bedroom (most nights she is drunk and can pass out anywhere), sil is in the spare bedroom with her 2 dogs who live with them, and fil sleeps in the box bedroom because of a) his illness and b) mil usually disturbs him when shes trying to get into bed. Apart from that there is the couch.

Ds does not settle anywhere else, we have taken him to relatives houses before and come bedtime he kicks up a massive fuss, clings onto me and wont settle at all, so we've ended up coming home here. Every night here though he happily goes off to bed, i tuck him in and say night and leave him and hes fine, its just other peoples houses, even people he knows and loves.

I know they don't need this on top of fil's illness, so what I've suggested is they have him for the day (were not going to the wedding till the evening anyway) then when its time fr bed sil can bring him home here and watch him till we get back.

But no, Im the worlds worst apparently and I don't trust them at all with ds (I trust sil slightly more than mil but not much) so what they want to do basically is have him all day, letting him play in there road with the other children, keep him there at night and have him all the next day to go out somewhere. He will either sleep in mil's bed or Sil's as there is nowhere else to put him, Did I mention that sil uses her bedroom to have her friends around to smoke weed in, and my silver lining and the thing im meant to be truly grateful about is that she wont do it this week so the room is fresh for ds hmm.

They think this will all go to their little plan, but what will probably happen is that he has a lovely time playing with the other kids, comes in for tea and bath and is so tired he'll already be screaming, then he'll ask to go to his own bed, they'll try and settle him, this will go on for a few hours and rather than bring him home as we've asked mil will make a point of keeping him there so as to prove that he can stay out. he will wake every few hours and begin crying again (as he still does at home too) they will get no sleep, he will get no sleep, Ill get no sleep as Ill be too busy worrying whats happening and the next day will be ruined for everyone.

And yet im the bad person for not wanting him to sleep at their house. He has stayed at my mums in the past but she has a spare room for him and hes happy there. aibu?

Magstermay Wed 27-Jul-16 20:04:30

YANBU!!
That doesn't sound like a situation I'd want my DS in and he's the priority. I'd stick firmly to SIL putting him to bed at yours and they can have him again the next day if they want.
Why on earth would it be acceptable to sleep in a bed with an alcoholic??

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Wed 27-Jul-16 20:05:24

I wouldn't leave any of them in charge of him anywhere. I don't even understand why you would consider leaving your child with anyone you don't trust 100%.

Missgraeme Wed 27-Jul-16 20:08:28

So he either gets pissed off mil fumes or stoned off sil bedroom??
No
No
And f### ing no!!
WHY do they need to pretend to be nice relatives with your child??
They aren't nice relatives!!

AtAt Wed 27-Jul-16 20:08:41

YANBU, but could you trust SIL to actually take ds back to your house, if she is determined to keep him at MIL's?

happypoobum Wed 27-Jul-16 20:09:19

YANBU - what does DH say? stick to your guns.

Scotmumof2girls Wed 27-Jul-16 20:09:26

YANBU !!! I had the exact same mil issues came back from first night out after having my dd to find her drunk and sfil having had to come round and sit till we came home - thank god for him. Never again! Short visits and she refused to smoke outside while we visited. Never again to that too.

I sympathise but suggest you stand your ground but never be confrontational even when provoked.

Your child your rules smile

HarryPottersMagicWand Wed 27-Jul-16 20:10:00

YANBU! What they want to do is irrelevant. They seem happy to trample on your feelings on the matter so feel free to trample on theirs. Over my dead body would this happen. I think you are being foolish overly generous to let them have him during the day at all. I wouldn't.

SlightlyperturbedOwl Wed 27-Jul-16 20:12:03

YANBU. It sounds like a nightmare. Could you move to the other end of the country? It's probably the least painful way of resolving the issue once and for all (and I hate moving)

a1992 Wed 27-Jul-16 20:13:45

No way would I let that happen, and your dp is a d* for thinking it's ok for his kid to be upset and either sleep where weed is smoked (as doubt she will not smoke all week) or with someone who is passed out drunk.

Whatatado Wed 27-Jul-16 20:16:32

No way would I allow this. YANBU.

Buddahbelly Wed 27-Jul-16 20:16:50

Oh believe me i'm never happy letting him go to there house during any hours at all, But fil is seriously ill and hasn't got much longer left, it makes him happy to see ds. I get this card played all the time from dp, so I let him go on the provision dp stays with them which he usually does, but sometimes will nip off to the shops for mil or etc, its these times she sits in the front garden with 1 eye on ds and 1 eye on her book.

Dp is on their side and has been from the start. Its me and him who have actually fallen out tonight over this, he cannot see why it would be anything other than unacceptable to let ds sleep in this situation at all and so I wanted to get some other opinions to show i'm not alone or weird or controlling over ds. All which i've been called tonight.

The time she got drunk whilst watching him as a baby only came around because my mum had watched him first whilst I walked round to the shop for bread, it was all of 10 minutes I was gone and in that time mil called and heard my mum answer, then we had the sob stories, why does she get to mind him when i don't blah blah. So i tried it out. fil came with her, then disappeared off to the pub to see his mates and when he came back he'd been to the off license for her, so they were both sat there drinking. I went off my head that time at them and again dp told me I was in the wrong and it wasn't like she was completely pissed.

Somedays I feel so sad at what im stuck with as in laws.

Buddahbelly Wed 27-Jul-16 20:19:26

Sorry forgot to add I've been to ds's nursery today to book him in for holiday club whilst im working next week, just so he doesn't to go their house. And there is a very good chance of us moving in the next few years, I'm biding my time as best I can till then smile

ToadsforJustice Wed 27-Jul-16 20:24:33

not completely pissed - that alright then shock.

You're not being weird, or controlling. You're looking out for your DS and trying to do what's best doe him.

The fact that your DP isn't thinking about what is best for his son, or thinks these things are acceptable, is worrying. As is the fact that he is willing to argue and call you names over it.

You have a massive DH problem.

PrunesforElla Wed 27-Jul-16 20:38:32

I would say it is negligent to let your child stay the night in such a situation. He is not safe, or being made a priority. He simply cannot sleep in your mil's bed, that is unsafe if she is out for the count on drink. My dp is a heavy drinker and I never let DD sleep next to her. It is like trying to rouse the dead.

The idea of bringing him home to sleep is okay, but it sounds like your sil can't be trusted to do that.

I know your dp will be normalised to the situation with his family because he's grown up with it but he needs to understand that it's not an appropriate sleepover for his son. Your son should be his priority now, and he should be thinking of his welfare, not what his parents want.

EreniTheFrog Wed 27-Jul-16 20:38:46

Sounds like your DP is the problem here. He isn't supporting you, is he?

PrunesforElla Wed 27-Jul-16 20:39:55

Just to clarify, I don't mean you are being negligent - you are actively resisting the suggestion. I mean your dp is, to consider allowing his child to be cared for in such circumstances.

PovertyPain Wed 27-Jul-16 20:43:05

You do realise that, since NONE of them (including your husband) respect your opinion, they WILL take your child to their house, once you're gone?

Buddahbelly Wed 27-Jul-16 20:49:49

Nope, hes not supportive at all. We will talk about ds and he knows I will always go out of my way to do the best for him - In a way hes left the parenting to me as hes been working a lot,so has taken a back seat.

But where him parents are involved, they can do no wrong. dp will tell me stories of his life growing up and I shudder and think if that was now social services would have stepped in a long time ago and removed them from the house. They have a lot of family who have over the years encouraged and enabled their behaviour. But i've made it perfectly clear its an environment I want ds to have little to do with.

I'm seriously pissed off that this is an issue and as ive said to dp tonight take your family out of the situation. what you're asking is for me to hand over my child to stay in either a bed with an alcoholic or the alternative stay in a bedroom where someone has smoked weed for the past year and share a bed with that person along with her 2 dogs. Its just not going to happen! I think dp feels hes doing it out of love for his fil but as ive said before, the last thing he needs on top of everything else he's had the past few weeks is ds screaming the whole night. he insists fil would love this to be able to spend time with ds.

They are welcome here in our home anytime, the fact that they've bothered to visit twice in the past year is beyond dp! They can do no wrong in his eyes.

Petal40 Wed 27-Jul-16 20:55:49

Get a babysitter....don't them loose on yr child

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