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To worry about PILs taking DD out and to ask them to let me know where they're going and what time they'll be back?

(88 Posts)
MidnightMoths Wed 27-Jul-16 15:48:50

I'm so worried I feel sick. I don't know if this is normal PFB anxiety or my stress over their visit.

DD is 11 months, PILs are coming from overseas to stay in our house for 6weeks. I've never met them. DH reassures me they are careful, responsible people and has told them they can take DD out of nursery whenever they want for days out etc. (We have to pay for nursery anyway to keep her place).
Nobody apart from DH has ever taken DD out without me.

I'm worried for several reasons: they don't know the area, they speak very little English, they aren't first-aid trained. I know they dote on her (Skype every other day) but what if something happened? We live in a coastal town, you have to be careful of tides, cliffs, heavy traffic etc. She's crawling but not walking yet. Our house isn't baby proofed so she needs constant watching at home.

We won't be able to spend time with them all together as both of us go back to work the day after they arrive (we've got 2weeks annual leave towards the end of visit but couldn't get it earlier).

I would like to at least know where they intend to take her and when they'll be back, and for them to carry a mobile phone. AIBU?

FreedomIsInPeril Wed 27-Jul-16 15:52:02

They managed to not only keep your DH alive through childhood, but to raise him into a man you wanted to marry.

ASking to know where they are going and when they will be back, and to carry a mobile, all fine. The rest, however, is OTT. They aren't going to let her crawl off a cliff, most parents aren't first aid trained, so why would you expect grandparents to be? and tides....seriously, they aren't going to throw her into the sea.


lastqueenofscotland Wed 27-Jul-16 15:52:05

I think you are being a bit pfb- would you be the same with your own parents? I don't think many peoples parents are first aid trained!!

I think them giving you a rough idea/ carrying a phone is fair but they managed to raise their own children without them getting run over/falling off a cliff.

HoneyDragon Wed 27-Jul-16 15:52:31

Look at your DP, is he nice, is he missing any important body parts due to childhood accidents, or have any boyhood tales of being poisoned?

I do 100% get you feeling anxious as you don't know them, try and trust your dp

Will you bedding days with them together before they are alone with your child?

This might put you at ease about them acting like grandparents flowers

nanetterose Wed 27-Jul-16 15:52:31

How stressful for you. I totally understand where you are coming from.
The only thing that would console me is that your DH is one piece grin
Would your daughter just go with them anyway?

ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout Wed 27-Jul-16 15:53:31

YANBU to know where they are going and when they'll be back.

You'd be very reasonable to suggest that the first couple of outings should be when you're not at work and should be very short and local incase something happens and you need to be there quickly. Dress it up as DD is not used to these outings so you want to ease her in gently.

I think, if these outings go well, you'd BU not to let her DGPs take her out. Make sure they're aware of your worries about local 'dangers' and have a mobile.

Good luck

Atinybittiredandsad Wed 27-Jul-16 15:56:04

Totally understand your worries op and agree with all the above.

Bet you will think they are the bees knees soon. Hopefully wink

ohidoliketobe Wed 27-Jul-16 15:56:34

Just off your title I came on to say YANBU to want to know times but maybe a little about them takin her out. But now, having read the details I don't think you are at all.

I don't think I would be comfortable with this at all and I'm quite laid back with my DS. I think I'd insist that days out were with one of you present even if thay is towards the end of their visit when you are off. Certainly not in the first few days. Yeah they Skype, bit it's not the same as actually seeing her face to face. DD might not be keen on being left with them if her stranger awareness has kicked in at this stage. Do they know her routine at all? What foods she does/ doesn't can/ can't eat (different countries do things differently).

Gobbolinothewitchscat Wed 27-Jul-16 16:00:09

Presumably your DH and his parents all spoke the same language though?! confused. Or is the baby bilingual?

That said, I do think that it's a totally different kettle of fish to take out a baby in essentially a foreign country when you can't ask for help etc if needs be and I think j it's reasonable to have those concerns

SonicSpotlight Wed 27-Jul-16 16:07:02

I'd definitely give them a mobile. They could use it to take pictures of your DD on their days out with her. I'd also give them the little tide book thing you can buy for a couple of quid, so they don't get all ready for the beach only to find it's under water. The fact that your DD isn't walking yet actually makes it much easier for them. She won't be bolting off with them having to leg it after her.

It's understandable that you're anxious if your DD has never been on trips out without a parent before. I'm sure that once you meet them you'll feel better about it.

Muskateersmummy Wed 27-Jul-16 16:08:00

Have they said they want to take dd out on their own? I would imagine they won't want to for a week or so anyway so you and your dd will have a chance to get to know them better. I understand your concern but ultimately they have been parents to a small child, so I'm sure they will cope. I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask them where they are planning on going, and what time they are likely to be back. Get them to have their mobiles with them and all will be fine. I'm not first aid trained, neither are either of my dd's grandmothers and we all take care of her. Let them get here and get settled them make your mind up

NavyandWhite Wed 27-Jul-16 16:08:45

Go with them the first few times and see how they are, which I'm sure will be absolutely fine but it might settle your nerves.

FreedomIsInPeril Wed 27-Jul-16 16:10:26

You can't have them to stay for 6 weeks, go to work every day, and send the child to nursery, telling them they aren't allowed to see her alone. That would be hurtful and insulting. Better to ask them not to come at all.

LunaLoveg00d Wed 27-Jul-16 16:26:16

I'm sure they have cliffs, tides, and lots of other hazards in different countries. They might even have hazards which we don't have here, like snakes, or tornadoes or hurricanes.

You do know these people - you have been skyping them. You just haven't met them in person. Agree that asking where they are going and when they'll be back is reasonable. The stressing about first aid training and cliffs is not reasonable.

ReadyPlayerOne Wed 27-Jul-16 16:26:49

I'm clearly in a minority but I wouldn't be happy about this. Let them explore on their own and see DD after nursery until the last few weeks. It's nothing to do with thinking they're irresponsible or whatnot; they need to get to know the OP and DD properly first IMO.

MidnightMoths Wed 27-Jul-16 16:28:19

It's little things, like knowing what to do if a baby chokes, being vigilant around water (sea/lakes etc), not letting her pick up pebbles, remembering suncream, not letting her crawl on grass where dogs have been, using pedestrian crossings rather than waiting for a gap in the traffic etc.

They are in their 70s, so it's a long time since they were looking after a baby. First grandchild. I know they adore her and will do their utmost to keep her safe, I'm just worried they won't have the same standards as me. I'm constantly watching her, as she climbs up furniture, pulls open drawers, grabs wires etc. I'm exhausted after a day with her as she rarely sits still longer than a few seconds.

I'm not expecting them to leave her at nursery the whole time, but would like to know what they plan to do, where they're going etc.

cjt110 Wed 27-Jul-16 16:33:37

Perhaps you may feel differently once you have met them, afterall you do say this is your first time meeting them. I would let my parents do/take my son anywhere but would be a bit more... restrictive(?) with my PIL as they see him twice a year and they don't know him and vice versa so I understand your concern. And I have known my PIL for 12 years! But as PP's have said, Im sure it will be fine. But as ReadyPlayerOne get to know them a little first to settle your concerns during their prolonged stay.

And I'm sure being a parent is like riding a bike, you do it once and don;t forget, although some of their knacks might be old hat, the principles of safety will remain the same.

Roussette Wed 27-Jul-16 16:33:43

Oh dear. 70 really really isn't that old you know. I would imagine they would be one hundred times more careful than they were with their own children. It's like when I used to have other kids to play or take them on holiday or whatever, I was ultra careful because they weren't mine. Your ILs will be no different I'm sure.

I can appreciate this is your first but children will crawl on grass where dogs have walked, they will explore and try things and so they should. You can't put your DD in a bubble.

I'm sounding harsh but a lot of what pp's have said I agree with. There is nothing wrong with asking their plans, it is your DD after all, and they need to get to know her before a full on day with her and that might take a few days. But they will treat her as the precious little thing she is, I'm sure.

Muskateersmummy Wed 27-Jul-16 16:34:27

I'm pretty sure most people have common sense about looking after babies, and would be careful around water etc. Pop some sun cream in a bag for them and say "I have put sun cream in for you".

They probably won't have the same standards as you. They'll have different ones. But they are her grandparents and they will love her and look after her.

Spend some time together as a family, take a step back and let them take the lead.

Familyof3or4 Wed 27-Jul-16 16:34:39

They are adults, if it's safe to cross the road in a gap in the traffic then it's safe!

YABU to worry about safety.

YANBU if you consider if she'll be happy with them, even if they Skype do often they still might be seen as 'strangers' by your daughter for a while.

KittyLaRoux Wed 27-Jul-16 16:35:27

Yabu. Relax and maybe get them to have her for a few hours a day before they have a full day out with her.

JudyCoolibar Wed 27-Jul-16 16:36:31

Isn't this your chance to toddler-proof your house as much as possible? It would make your life easier as well.

MargaretCavendish Wed 27-Jul-16 16:37:07

It's little things, like knowing what to do if a baby chokes, being vigilant around water (sea/lakes etc), not letting her pick up pebbles, remembering suncream, not letting her crawl on grass where dogs have been, using pedestrian crossings rather than waiting for a gap in the traffic etc.

With the possible slight exception of the suncream, which of these things do you imagine have changed since they had your husband? They are, in fact, total common sense. I don't have any children and while there are many things that would make me nervous about looking after a child alone, these things are all laughably obvious. You cannot possibly tell your husband that his parents cannot be alone with the child because you believe they may not be aware of the concept of a pedestrian crossing, or because you think they will not know to be vigilant with a baby near a lake.

Out of interest, did you have a lot of childcare experience before having your daughter? No one I know had done much babycare before having their own, and they all managed to not let them crawl off cliffs!

Atinybittiredandsad Wed 27-Jul-16 16:40:40

Op know this won't help but might make you laugh. My dd is on her way abroad now on a girls holiday. She's 17. I told her not to climb cliffs, drink alcohol or jump from balcony to balcony. Think she may do one of these.grin

It gets worse.

DollyBarton Wed 27-Jul-16 16:41:40

I think once you meet them you'll feel a lot better about this.

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