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Wwyd? £1000 from Mil....

(16 Posts)
Passwordfatigued Wed 27-Jul-16 11:04:38

Huge back story for 15years on this one! Basically Mil a total nightmare. Manipulative, difficult, tried to ruin our wedding, birth of Dc etc by behaving badly. She is a total narcissist... Dh and I do our best to keep the relationship ok so she can visit dear GC but she is a very divisive character(undermines him is generally rude in front children etc). Could type forever on this one! Used to cause many problems in our marriage but we point blank refuse to fight over it now and just do our best to 'stage manage' difficult visits. Reason for is my birthday in a few days and I have just received £1000 in a card in the post (last visit from her was fairly horrific she was rude to everyone and generally behaved like spoilt brat - we tend to ignore bad behaviour as trying to address it in the past has not) she hasnt spoken to us in 3 months..... Will not keep money but what is the best way to return it without causing huge problems with wider family? Btw she cannot afford it - is still working at 65 has no pension, rents her home and spends money like it grows on trees. Help!

useyourimagination Wed 27-Jul-16 11:11:21

If she sent you a cheque, just don't cash it.

MamaBear98 Wed 27-Jul-16 11:14:46

Give it to charity perhaps?

hellsbellsmelons Wed 27-Jul-16 11:14:50

Is it cash?
Does your DH have any of her account numbers?

Dizzybintess Wed 27-Jul-16 11:15:59

is it cash or a cheque

Dizzybintess Wed 27-Jul-16 11:16:38

That is a lot of money
any chance she has had a bit of a breakdown

Missgraeme Wed 27-Jul-16 11:18:34

I am debating similar scenario if ds gets a card off mad mil. . I have decided to send back recorded delivery anything she sends. No note or explaination. None needed for u either!

Passwordfatigued Wed 27-Jul-16 11:28:34

It is account numbers. She changed her account a while back and it is unlikely she will give it to me now. Her crazy spending normally takes the form of huge gifts for the children (which we have given to charity at times) or put in the attic for another time. I do think there may be some mh issues at play and have been so sensitive to this over the years but I am just do tired of figuring out what the right thing to do is. She constantly bad mouths me and dh no matter what we do.

Passwordfatigued Wed 27-Jul-16 11:30:22

Miss Graeme I like your style!

Dizzybintess Wed 27-Jul-16 12:02:41

Wow £1000 in cash
Are you able to drop it through her letterbox in the dead of night so you don't have to speak to her.
I would be seriously concerned for her state of mind. Can her son ask her what she is playing at

hazeimcgee Wed 27-Jul-16 12:06:40

Perhaps with a note in saying we know you cannot afford this and this is not the way to build bridges?

Niloufes Wed 27-Jul-16 12:57:26

Could she be trying to buy an angle over you for the future disagreements? "I gave you £1000 so now you have to listen to what I say". Considering what you have said about your past history I wouldn't keep it, but I would ask DH to talk to her about it.

Scribblegirl Wed 27-Jul-16 13:16:38

Frankly I'd be tempted to donate it to a mental health charity and have them write her a letter thanking her for her kind donation of £1000 and detailing how it will help so many with mental health problems...

But I am a PA nightmare wink

rwilkinson84 Wed 27-Jul-16 13:42:12

Don't keep it - donate it to charity or something. Money always has strings attached. ESPECIALLY when it's such a large amount.

MeMySonAndl Wed 27-Jul-16 14:00:31

Send it back signed for, you need proof that she got it back, just in case she decides to pester you about you keeping the money later on.

Just make sure that you put it into a card saying that you really appreciate her gesture but you would prefer her to keep it as you are not comfortable with receiving such a gift.

I had an old retired, far from rich, aunt who always gave us a small amount of cash for Christmas (£50 each). She used to be deeply offended if we returned it, so my sisters and I usually had a look around the house or a conversation in the months before trying to find out what she may need but was not prepared to spend the money in. Then we used to pool the money together to get that for her.

But my aunt was not a manipulative person, I wouldn't take ANY money from one even to return it in kind.

When we were getting married MIL handed exh a sum as a contribution to the reception costs. I only knew about it when I mentioned how I wanted to wear my hair on the day and MIL disagreed. I said it was my choice, she said "I pay, I decide".

Even all these years later, I know that nothing should be accepted from her as she already thinks it is her right to rule our lives. Add to it a gift/favour and we are reminded about it for years.

cansu Wed 27-Jul-16 14:22:04

Put it in an envelope with a note saying it is too much and you can't accept it. Either give it to her or post it through letter box. Send her text to say you have done so. Donating it elsewhere would be completely wrong. She has given the money to your family. It may well be for ulterior motives but she would be justifiably furious if you had given it away. You either accept it or return it.

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