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Tackle friend about an affair or leave well alone?

(139 Posts)
Whatissheplayingat1 Wed 27-Jul-16 10:07:44

My very close friend is having an affair, she told me one month ago. She is married with children, the guy she is having the affair with is also married, with children, including a very young baby.
I hardly recognise her since she confided this secret to me, she's nasty and scathing about her husband, she has left Her chikdren with her husband for 2 weekends to be with this guy, lying to him about it being work related.
She's like a teenager, she's giddy, showing me pictures of him, laughing about sneaking around.
The thing I'm struggling with the most is she simply doesn't care who she's hurting, she's not bothered. There is no shame or sorrow or hint of regret.
She's gone from a doting caring wife and mother to behaving quite frankly like a slut.
I'm not sure how many more conversations I can have with her about this guy before I snap and tell her what I think of the way she's behaving. So far, it's only the fact that we are so close that I havent. She knows I dont 'approve' but ignores that.
She needs to wake up and stop what she's doing but if i have it out with her I don't see it ending well.....

Atinybittiredandsad Wed 27-Jul-16 10:09:43

No it definitely won't end well for anyone. Horrible situation for you op. Maybe ask her how she sees this panning out. Is it an affair or does she want a divorce etc?

acasualobserver Wed 27-Jul-16 10:12:24

Tackling her would probably be pointless. But being asked to collude like this would change the friendship for me - I'm not sure it would survive tbh.

MaudeandHarold Wed 27-Jul-16 10:13:39

Don't get involved. It won't end well for you no matter what happens.

Goingtobeawesome Wed 27-Jul-16 10:14:04

I'd end the friendship and tell her DH.

BeyondBeyondBeyondBeyondBeyond Wed 27-Jul-16 10:17:31

We're nearly a year in to a friend talking about her affair, so I understand the feelings you are having.
As we keep telling her, it will end in tears.

Pinkheart5915 Wed 27-Jul-16 10:18:04

I'm not sure I'd want to be friends anymore to be honest, if she can cheat on her DH and put her children's family at risk and to make it worse the man is married too.
So many lives are going to be destroyed by this sad and it will come out these things always do

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Wed 27-Jul-16 10:18:56

Your friendship is basically finished given the way you describe her now. Tell her she's a horrible excuse for a human being. I don't know how old her kids are, and the fallout for them would be awful, but that poor mum if a new baby. How can you do that to someone?

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Wed 27-Jul-16 10:18:58

I'd just say. "Look I'm really not interested, in what you're doing. I don't approve of it, and I don't want any part of it."

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Wed 27-Jul-16 10:19:53

And yes I know the cheating husband is equally horrible but we're not discussing him (before anyone mentions that).

PurpleWithRed Wed 27-Jul-16 10:20:06

If you are her friend then tell her that if she has problems in her marriage to fix those before ruining her own life and everyone else's.

Whatissheplayingat1 Wed 27-Jul-16 10:20:31

If there was an anonymous way I could tell her husband I probably would. That might make me a bad person but he just doesn't deserve to be treated this way.

MustBeDueSomeBetterFeet Wed 27-Jul-16 10:21:15

If I were you, I'd be tempted to tell her that you just don't want to hear about it anymore. If she's suffering with something in her marriage, I would recommend she tackle that, or at least decide what she wants: divorce, Relate, separation.

Not sure how old she is but surely she knows there is no happy ending?

RealityCheque Wed 27-Jul-16 10:21:45

If you want to be involved or friends any more then that's fine.

Beyond that, mind your own business.

Why people think it's acceptable to even consider to "Tackle friend about an affair" is beyond me. You're not her mother and she isn't a child.

Eatthecake Wed 27-Jul-16 10:22:10

I'd tell her DH and end the friendship.

If your partner was cheating you would want to know wouldn't you?

I will never understand how anybody can cheat on there partner, risk there children's family life and know they will cause a lot of hurt to somebody's life and children when it comes out

panegyricS1 Wed 27-Jul-16 10:22:12

Don't allow her to talk to you about it unless she's discussing how/whether to end it. Don't give her alibis etc. Other than that there is nothing you can do.

Whatissheplayingat1 Wed 27-Jul-16 10:23:34

I can't even think about his wife at home with the new baby in a state of ignorant bliss. It makes me feel sick that she could do this, I know it doesn't sound if but my friend has always been such a good person, decent, kind, honourable.
It's like she's literally lost her mind, I don't recognise how she speaks now, it's like a complete personality transformation.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Wed 27-Jul-16 10:23:44

Let's not forget, though. Twatty as she may be. She's not having an affair with herself. I haven't seen one ounce of criticism for him about he's doing to his wife and children

Sparklesilverglitter Wed 27-Jul-16 10:25:22

I'd be telling the DH. I would want somebody to tell me if I was being cheated on.

I've never understood how anybody can cheat and go home to there partner & children look at them and not feel any guilt or realise that they are behaving disgustingly

alltouchedout Wed 27-Jul-16 10:25:58

I ended a long, long friendship over something like this. My friend was no longer in a relationship herself (although she had cheated on her fiancee with a married man in the past), but her latest partner was married with small children. Just like the previous two had been. I was also married with small children and was just sick of her justifying her awful behaviour. So yes, OP, I would say something. I wouldn't expect anything but anger and defensiveness as a response, but I would say it and then I would stop seeing her.

Whatissheplayingat1 Wed 27-Jul-16 10:26:29

And herein lies the issue realitycheque;
You're right, she's an adult, I'm not her mother. Who am I to judge her behaviour and find her lacking? That's just one voice among many in my head, but standing by and doing nothing seems akin to watching a house burning down and doing nothing to help or stop it.

toofarfromcivilisation Wed 27-Jul-16 10:28:50

I have had this sort of situation for 15 years. My best friend who I love dearly has been having an affair all that time. I also love her husband & he would be devestated. I made it clear from the start that I didn't want to hear anything about it. I don't even know his name or where he lives.
When/ if it all comes out I hope her husband will listen to me when I tell him that I knew but it was not my place to tell him. I hope he will appreciate my lack of knowledge beyond the basics & understand.

Billben Wed 27-Jul-16 10:28:51

I would gather enough evidence and tell her husband. Would also finish my friendship with her. Do you really want to be friends with someone like her? If my DH was having an affair and I found out that a friend knew about it and didn't tell me, our friendship would be over.

Shoxfordian Wed 27-Jul-16 10:30:20

I don't think it's your place to judge her or to tackle her about anything. As realitycheque said; she's an adult

The best thing to do if you don't like her behaviour is be less available and just withdraw from the friendship

It might also be worth considering if her actions come from a place of unhappiness with her marriage; nobody knows what a relationship is like unless they're in it so perhaps you could try to be more understanding

TheNaze73 Wed 27-Jul-16 10:31:00

Sadly, I think your friendship is done.

They both sound like they deserve each other, such horrible behaviour & really bad form. There may be another post soon from the OW suspecting her partner is having an affair soon. I would want to know if I was him.

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