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To give up on this group?

(42 Posts)
mrsnec Wed 27-Jul-16 06:54:46

I recently started attending a mum's group. I didn't really want to. I felt pressure from family telling me I should get out more.

I find it hard to engage with the group and I feel like I've made a massive effort. I don't feel we're getting anything out of it.

However, I have had two bouts of pnd and after effects of an illness makes me prone to anxiety. I had panic attacks in the supermarket after ds was born so getting out and about is a huge deal for me. Also one of my best friends died suddenly a few months ago and ever since I've found making friends difficult.

None of the mums in the group know these things about me and I'm wondering if I'd get better treatment from them if they did.

They excluding me from things and appear uninterested in anything I have to say. I feel worse than I did before I started going and angry at my family for pushing me into it.

Dd hasn't particularly formed any friendships either.

Scarydinosaurs Wed 27-Jul-16 06:56:47

Just forget about the mum friend thing and focus on your real friends- at times like this you need them more than ever.

VioletBam Wed 27-Jul-16 07:01:44

Ditch it OP. It's not helping. I didn't go to ANY "Mum's groups". They sounded like a nightmare to me.

Adjusting to being a parent is enough work for some of us. We can't all be out there organising frigging picnics with our unaware babies!

Stick to your own thing. When your DD goes to school she will make friends.

I did take mine to a playgroup when she hit 2 and a morning a week....she didn't like it either but she DID like the craft. We used to turn up for that, a drink and a biscuit...then I'd sit or play with her and some of the equipment for a while...then we'd go. We were there about an hour each time.

I sometimes chatted to new people who didn't know anyone but the "core" group never bothered to try to mix.

Best to go easy on yourself.

blueturtle6 Wed 27-Jul-16 07:03:02

I was mentally very strong and confident pre pregnancy, even I find some groups tough. Try another and try to ignore the competitiveness. Good luck

TallulahTheTiger Wed 27-Jul-16 07:03:25

Am so sorry to hear this. Who is supporting you with PND? Also theres so much pressure to have 'mum friends' stick to quality not quantity and the support of your true friends. Although these could turn into long term friends, try and keep an open mind!

MajesticSeaFlapFlap Wed 27-Jul-16 07:05:14

Don't go

I went to four mother child groups and didnt like them but the fifth was amazing, some groups are cliquey and awful and the staff in others were just as bad!

Be kind to yourself and give yourself time

defineme Wed 27-Jul-16 07:06:55

I think getting out is important, but it doesn't have to be groups like that. I took ds to the park, swimming, anything in the fresh air and it always made me feel better. I saw play groups as an opportunity to get out in the winter and for ds to have different toys. If this group makes you feel bad then drop it. Maybe some thing more purposeful like a baby music or gym group would be better. Have you any friends you can turn to for support? Try not to be angry about this group,you gave it a go, it didn't suit you, time to move on.

tibbawyrots Wed 27-Jul-16 07:09:15

I think that you're not ready for a mums group at the moment due to the recent loss of your friend and your own health problems.

Concentrate on your current friends, enjoy your baby and your DD. Your DD and DS will make friends at preschool/nursery and school.

Mums groups can be a bit cliquey as they often started before birth and "know" each other and newcomers can find it hard to find an in, especially if you've had anxiety problems too.

Well done for trying, sometimes you have to say "I tried but it's not the right time/thing for me right now"

Don't write it off forever though; it could be that a few weeks down the line you may feel like another try.


WipsGlitter Wed 27-Jul-16 07:09:45

What sort of group is it? Is it just a church run thing or a sure start type thing?

I did a few with DS1 but didn't get much out of them. When I had DS2 I enjoyed them a lot more.

Dozer Wed 27-Jul-16 07:18:42

Sorry about your friend.

Sometimes anxiety can make us think people are being unfriendly, disinterested or whatever - sometimes maybe people actually are. People are often tired, distracted at these groups or just want to catch up with their existing friends. Perhaps a different group could have a different atmosphere.

Is there anyone you already know locally and like a bit that you could meet up with, or a mum you've met who seems nice who you could maybe meet alone, eg at an activity to do with the DC or a walk or just a drink at your house? What about other people at home, eg with older DC or older people?

eddielizzard Wed 27-Jul-16 07:27:31


don't go. you need to do things you enjoy otherwise what's the point. this is a very difficult time. i struggled too, i think everyone does. i asked mums who i thought looked kind round for a coffee. pushed myself to do it a few times and out of that found a very good friend.

Udderz Wed 27-Jul-16 07:34:59

Don't go. Try another toddler group but only on days you are feeling slightly stronger. Talk to the people on the sidelines or alone. I do think you have to open up to connect with others. It does mean making yourself a bit vulnerable. Can you talk to the health visitor about the pnd and how you can be supported.

TheLambShankRedemption Wed 27-Jul-16 07:35:58

Ditch it and don't look back.

Udderz Wed 27-Jul-16 07:37:29

Getting out can also include an hours fast walk in the park and sitting on a bench to eat your lunch and feed the ducks. Do try to exercise as the endorphins and fresh air can make a huge difference

FetchezLaVache Wed 27-Jul-16 07:39:42

So sorry to hear about your friend, OP flowers

YANBU to ditch the group. You don't enjoy it, it's not helping. Groups aren't for everyone and I agree that they can be (or at least appear!) horribly cliquey. How old is DD? Maybe try again later if there's something she might specifically enjoy or benefit from?

You may have nothing more in common with the other mothers than the fact that you had a child at roughly the same time, so it's not necessarily realistic for your family to expect you to make loads of friends there.

blinkowl Wed 27-Jul-16 07:46:32

I went to groups but only for DS / DD to socialise with the other DC.

I am outgoing, make friends easily and was in a good place mentally when the DC were small. Even so groups were an incredibly tough place to make friends! So I just didn't try. I was chatty and pleasant with people but didn't expect to see those people again. If I had just been through a tough time as you have I can't imagine how hard I would have found it. If neither you nor DD enjoy it, absolutely no reason to go back.

Are there other groups or activities DD might enjoy? Getting out of the house is a good thing for us all to do for our mental health, maybe try another group activity but focus in doing something DD enjoys and take the pressure off yourself to make friends there.

How I did make friends in a new town where I knew no one was meeting mum's through mumsnet and netmum local. It was a bit like mum-dating but with no promise of romance! We met for coffee and if we liked each other we met again. I made one really good friend and a couple of casual friendships this way.

JennyBunn Wed 27-Jul-16 07:52:55

I had severe PND and was enrolled into a playgroup by a well-meaning friend who ran it.

Like you say OP, just getting there seemed huge. I'd lie awake at night worrying about how to get there as walking and driving seemed massively risky.

The women in the group were luckily friendly and welcoming but the main topic of conversation seemed to be 'how many children would you like?' or 'when will you have your next baby?'. My daughter was 4 months old and I used to dread anyone asking me. All I could think about was how useless I was as a mother and how I'd made a huge mistake as I was so bad at being a mother.

I gave up in the end as it really didn't help me. I agree with previous posters in saying don't bother returning.

Hope you feel better soon.

Longlost10 Wed 27-Jul-16 07:54:04

Also one of my best friends died suddenly a few months ago and ever since I've found making friends difficult. this is an odd thing to say, it takes longer than a few months to make real friends, maybe your expectations are a bit unrealistic

None of the mums in the group know these things about me and I'm wondering if I'd get better treatment from them if they did. I doubt they would have any particular interest in the issues of a complete stranger, they are not there to dispense charity.

I agree you should stick to your long term good friends right now, esp with PND. This is when you need real, proven friends supporting you, not trying to make instant friends with strangers, and want them to make allowances for you right from moment one.

ayeokthen Wed 27-Jul-16 07:55:24

No advice, but couldn't read and run. I'm so sorry about your friend, I know how awful it is. My best friend died suddenly 3 years ago and it's still raw. I find Mums groups really intimidating, so just paint on a smile and start chatting. Doesn't make me feel any better, but I still do it. Reading that back I've no idea why!

mylaptopismylapdog Wed 27-Jul-16 08:00:13

Sorry to hear you have had pnd well done for getting out and about. From my own experience being more comfortable in groups can take awhile so trying and finding one group doesn't suit or taking a break from a group and retrying later is not the end of the world. Are their an Mum and Baby classes near you yoga,baby massage or fit mum? If so why not try one as everyone will be doing the same thing and the focus is on something physical so even if you feel uncomfortable you will have done something positive at the end of the class. Also you will be sharing an activity and that may make it easier for you to get t know people.

Thefitfatty Wed 27-Jul-16 08:04:45

I would leave this one, you've tried it and it isn't for you. However, when you're feeling a bit more up to it, you may want to try others. I'm NOT a mum's group person BUT I did go to one once (worried DS wasn't getting any socialization at 6 months old LOL) and I met 4 other ladies who are now my best friends and we ditched the others and made our own play groups. grin

Simpsonsaddict Wed 27-Jul-16 08:07:03

So sorry about your friend.

I second one of the comments on here that perhaps because you're feeling down already, people seem uninterested - depression can feel like you're looking at the world through cloudy glass! And they will be feeling tired/having their own issues. But if you aren't enjoying it, don't go, maybe try again or a different group when you're feeing stronger x

mrsnec Wed 27-Jul-16 08:07:27

DD is 2 in September and ds is 6 months.

Doctor has pretty much given similar advice to here re exercise, not pushing myself and being kind to myself. Also says don't worry too much about socialising dd just yet.

The group doesn't have premises. They just arrange sporadic meetings through an fb page at cafés and soft play. There are no other groups in the area but one may start in September if they can find someone to run it.

I invited some for coffee but they said I lived too far away so I j gave up.There are only three of them who have children the same age as mine and they meet away from the group too. Yesterday they went to a new soft play without me even though I said I wanted to go. They also would have driven past my house to get there so the excuse about me living too far away is rubbish.

If do have friends nearby that don't have children the same age as mine but I've seen very little of them since ds was born and I assumed they weren't interested. I tried to arrange a night out with one of them and she just kept turning me down.

I didn't work before the children but I did help my husband out with his business occasionally. I am considering putting the children in nursery one day a week and going out with him to work because I enjoyed interacting with the clients more than these mums I think but my husband isn't entirely on board with the idea.

Yes there are places I can take dd to do things with her.

PlotterOfPlots Wed 27-Jul-16 08:09:59

If it's making you miserable, stop.

Getting out of the house and having structure to the week is a really good idea, but it would be easier to organise something that's more about your child that you socialising - a class or playgroup. You go for your child's sake, and if you happen to get chatting to anyone then great, but it's not a failure if you don't. Plus your time there is more focussed on your child than the social side.

mylaptopismylapdog Wed 27-Jul-16 08:10:35

Cross post so sorry about your good friend you must miss them and their support.

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