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Aibu - dh siding with ds leaving me upset

(283 Posts)
FindingNemoAgain Tue 26-Jul-16 21:07:55

Ds (12) made an electronic toy at a club. His had wires sticking out whereas I noticed one of his friends looked neater. I commented on it and said it could do with wires being inside (from a purely aesthetic point (I did also say it looked very cool). He then got home and tried to push the wires in which apparently he now says made it have an intermittent fault with it. It is of course all my fault and I MADE him do it. At dinner he was upset constantly repeating it was me who told him to do it. I was trying to say I didn't make him do anything. DH comes home and hears out conversation and instantly gets on ds side saying to me I was stupid to ask him to do it because it broke a connection... I am still trying to explain I didn't tell him anything, I only mentioned that the other boy's toy looked neater. DH then says I was being critical of ds toy. This is all happening at dinner in front of ds and our other child. Aibu to feel betrayed and upset about DH siding with ds? Even when he saw I was getting quite upset he carried on and it almost felt he was happy I was being blamed for it...

PenelopePitstops Tue 26-Jul-16 21:11:47

You sound pretty harsh. Sometimes all that is needed is a well done without any (however constructive) criticism.

I think your dh is kind of right. Your ds is upset his toy is broken and is looking for someone to blame. He's blaming you because you said his didn't look good enough so he tried to fix it. Ds will be annoyed at himself too.

A better strategy from you and dh would be a code word or phrase that means we'll leave this for now and discus later without kids.

Smartiepants79 Tue 26-Jul-16 21:16:10

Betrayed?? That sounds altitude dramatic. I would have just walked away from such a silly, repetitive conversation.
He should not have undermined you in front of the children. Maybe one of you could have offered to help fix it thus solving the problem.
I can understand why your son was so upset. Something he had worked hard on and was proud of is now spoiled. He followed a suggestion from a person who's opinions he trusts and it didn't work out.
Did you apologise that your suggestion had broken it? A lot of it would have come down to how you reacted in my opinion.

KateInKorea Tue 26-Jul-16 21:21:03

Did you ever hear the phrase "comparison is the thief of joy"? Thats you that is. The person who basically (excuse my winewinewine ) said "Well son, it's lovely but a fucking load of shit compared to your mate's"

Well done stealer of joy

LotsOfShoes Tue 26-Jul-16 21:21:57

You were unfair to the boy and DH is standing by him. Can't see the betrayal here.

LotsOfShoes Tue 26-Jul-16 21:22:52

And when one parent is being too harsh, I think the whole united front thing should go out the door. So the boy can see at least one parent is being reasonable.

Imknackeredzzz Tue 26-Jul-16 21:23:31

You were totally unfair to your son. I feel so sorry for him

fastdaytears Tue 26-Jul-16 21:23:47

Oh your poor DS! What does neat have to do with it? He made something electrical that worked! It's the summer holidays, he doesn't have to be working towards objectives.

Gazelda Tue 26-Jul-16 21:25:43

Poor lad. He was upset and you've made it about you!
You criticised his effort. He tried to make it better (in your eyes) which resulted in the fault.
I agree with you however that DH could have handled it better - he could have said "oh dear DS, why don't we have a look at it together after dinner".

UnexpectedBaggage Tue 26-Jul-16 21:26:25

Poor DS. You were mean.

dottydee3 Tue 26-Jul-16 21:26:48

You don't sound very nice. I think you should help him fix it.

FindingNemoAgain Tue 26-Jul-16 21:26:51

Ds is 12 not 5, if you don't say how to improve things (which on second thought I said because the dangling wires could be pulled and break the connections, but I didn't mean for him to push them in now that the toy was sealed) as it is 'fragile', how would the kids learn to do something better next time?!

dottydee3 Tue 26-Jul-16 21:27:44

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

VeryBitchyRestingFace Tue 26-Jul-16 21:27:48

Was your son happy with the robot before you butted in with the comment about the wires?

Euphemia Tue 26-Jul-16 21:27:53

My parents and MIL were like this, always had to point out a fault rather than just say something nice.


fastdaytears Tue 26-Jul-16 21:28:12

She's his mum not his teacher. The doesn't always need to be a way to improve everything.

Euphemia Tue 26-Jul-16 21:29:04

He made the toy at a club - it's not your place to try to make it "better".

fastdaytears Tue 26-Jul-16 21:29:08

Sorry you are the "she" making my post confusing!

Does your DH tell you how to improve on things you do?

WhooooAmI24601 Tue 26-Jul-16 21:29:17

My Mum likes to 'help' with suggestions. We aren't close. The two may well be connected.

acasualobserver Tue 26-Jul-16 21:29:44

Some people seem to have the ability to suck the joy out of every situation. Try not to be one of them, OP.

BastardGoDarkly Tue 26-Jul-16 21:30:17

Oh dear op, I think you dropped a bollock here actually.

Unintentionally I know, but still.

Is DS asleep? I'd go and say sorry, and offer to try and help him with it tomorrow?

Your dh didn't betray you, he agreed with DS, he shouldn't have backed you regardless, because you are kind of in the wrong.

Nevermind, tomorrow's another day brew

fastdaytears Tue 26-Jul-16 21:30:56

My mum has this instinct. She says she's a mismatcher and it's her meaning well. She does less of if now as it's directly linked to none of her kids telling her anything

StarryIllusion Tue 26-Jul-16 21:31:07

God why can't people just say something nice, why do you have to compare? Its so mean. I'd have sided with him too. Good way to demoralise him but nothing else.

PaulAnkaTheDog Tue 26-Jul-16 21:31:49

Your poor son. Nothing worse than a parent telling you someone else's work is better. The attempt to improve it after the fact is rather telling of his need to impress you...

Believeitornot Tue 26-Jul-16 21:31:55

Your dh is right.

Your ds looks up to you as you are his mother.

There are other ways to encourage improvement and making comparisons with other children is not one of them.

You could have talked to him about it "oh ds, tell me about this, what do you like about it, was it difficult" etc.

Imagine if you'd done something you were proud of and your dh said "oh well it could be better if it looked like X's".

Your poor ds.

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