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'Wedding party' - but pay your own way

(357 Posts)
Smurfnoff Tue 26-Jul-16 10:29:13

My sister got married recently in a big country house hotel wedding with all the trimmings. Although I didn't have an official 'role' in the day, my mother made a big point of repeatedly telling me that I was part of the official wedding party and would be at the top table.

I was told, rather than being asked, that I'd be travelling with my parents the night before and how lovely it would all be. I didn't argue as I don't drive, so it saved me having to ask anyone else for a lift. I was quite looking forward to it until the night before when, out of the blue, my father said, 'Oh, it's £182 for the hotel - is that alright?'

I was too shocked to speak. All this big talk of being included in the wedding party apparently did not mean being included in the cost. I hadn't budgeted for a hotel, and had I been given the option to, I would have budgeted for ONE night (I could easily have asked my aunt or one of my cousins for a lift).

I wondered had I got this badly wrong. Should I have asked outright in advance? I had wondered, but given I'd been told rather than asked when I was going and where I was staying, with no question of whether I could afford it, I could only think it was because I wasn't the one paying.

I didn't dare mention it to my mother - she had been almost more manic than the bride about the whole thing, and I was predicting tears and 'why are you making a fuss, it's your only sister's wedding!' Etc. However, I did tell my father (who I knew would be more reasonable) about 'my' mistake. He responded, 'Yes, between you and me your mom and I weren't expecting to pay for our room either'.

Now I really was stunned. I could understand them expecting a sibling to pay for themselves - although I still felt it was really badly handled - but my parents had given them tons of practical help with the wedding. Was it really too much to expect their hotel room to be paid for? (Just to be clear, sister and husband are more comfortable financially than parents).

It's not the cost that bothers me so much (although finding 200 quid at short notice was a major pain). It's the fact that my sister didn't tell any of us until it was too late, or ask if we could afford it. I feel like my options were taken away - I could have looked for a cheaper hotel nearby, stayed only one night, asked other single guests if they wanted to share etc.

Was I completely wrong to think my hotel was being paid for? And am I wrong to think my parents SHOULD have been paid for?

SimplyNigella Tue 26-Jul-16 10:35:28

I would never expect my hotel to be paid for at a wedding, no matter what my role was.

ShoeEatingMonster Tue 26-Jul-16 10:36:31

I'd never expect the hotel to be paid for.

trafalgargal Tue 26-Jul-16 10:37:33

I think you should have asked rather than assumed.

Both sides are at fault though.

ENormaSnob Tue 26-Jul-16 10:38:02

I would never have expected my accomodation to be paid for.

Hamsolo Tue 26-Jul-16 10:39:22

Oh. I don't know. I would never have thought they'd pay for either you or your parents so I think it's odd that you expected that. Your sister definitely should have been upfront about costs early on though, and given you the option to stay somewhere else if the venue was too expensive.

WellErrr Tue 26-Jul-16 10:41:07

I would never expect accommodation to be paid for.

HOWEVER - your parents definitely should have had theirs paid for, and when your sister booked your room she should have said to you 'it'll be £182, is that ok?'

So no, YANBU.

Pootles2010 Tue 26-Jul-16 10:41:25

I wouldn't expect them to pay, but bad form to give you such short notice. They should have asked if it was ok, given you different options etc!

StealthPolarBear Tue 26-Jul-16 10:41:49

But op was led to believe everything was being organised for her

ijustdontknowanymore Tue 26-Jul-16 10:42:03

Why would they pay for your accommodation?

AntiHop Tue 26-Jul-16 10:42:10

I was my sister's bridesmaid. I paid for my own hotel and travel. It would have never occurred to me to pay for either of those myself. She did pay for my dress though.

EatsShitAndLeaves Tue 26-Jul-16 10:42:38

I would say (in my experience) that getting your hotel room paid for by the Bride & Groom is quite unusual.

Paying for bridesmaids/ushers outfits is usually met by the B&G plus a gift of thanks.

Hotels often give room discounts for large parties which the B&G should pass on - though I do know a case where they asked their guests to pay full price in advance and used the discount to get their wedding suite for free hmm.

So I think YABU in expecting not to pay for accommodation at all (esp when your transport is being sorted by your parents) but I do think you should have been advised in advance and given the option to stay for 1 night only, if that was your preference.

trafalgargal Tue 26-Jul-16 10:42:52

When the hotel booking was discussed I'd have asked how much it was rather than assuming that my parents were covering it as well as my travelling costs. As an adult child and earning I'd expect to pay for my own hotel room . If I was unemployed and still living at home it might be different. Clearly your parents didn't think you'd have a problem affording it though.

ShatnersBassoon Tue 26-Jul-16 10:43:05

I would assume I was paying unless told otherwise, and I'd have been checking the cost in advance of turning up at the hotel.

NeedACleverNN Tue 26-Jul-16 10:43:35

I wouldn't expect my hotel to be paid for either but I would expect to be told I would need a room at the hotel and it would cost £180

Lj8893 Tue 26-Jul-16 10:43:41

I would never expect my accommodation to be paid for at a wedding, however I would be hmm at somebody prebooking me a room without checking the cost with me first.

chocolateworshipper Tue 26-Jul-16 10:44:07

I personally wouldn't expect my hotel to be paid for, HOWEVER, I would absolutely expect it to made clear what the costs were and to be give a choice

emilybrontescorset Tue 26-Jul-16 10:44:27

Yep I would expect to pay for myself but would want to know the cost from the start.

TheCrumpettyTree Tue 26-Jul-16 10:45:36

I would never expect my room to be paid for. Stunned and shocked? That's a bit dramatic.

BastardDailyMail Tue 26-Jul-16 10:45:37

I wouldn't expect my hotel to be paid for by the bride and groom but then I also wouldn't have expected someone to book me a room without asking first either. Could your room not have been cancelled?

rollonthesummer Tue 26-Jul-16 10:45:37

Why would the bride and groom pay for anyone else's hotel room apart from their own?!

I think both you and your parents are being VU in assuming you wouldn't have to put your hands in your pockets and pay your own way!!

BastardDailyMail Tue 26-Jul-16 10:46:22

Who booked the rooms for you and your parents?

TheCrumpettyTree Tue 26-Jul-16 10:47:14

I would have expected to be told the cost though. Seems like a lack of communication.

FuzzyOwl Tue 26-Jul-16 10:48:54

I would have thought everyone would have assumed they were paying for their own rooms and that is probably why the bride and groom didn't say anything beforehand.

Sonders Tue 26-Jul-16 10:49:48

This all seems extremely dramatic, I would also never expect the B&G to pay for my hotel room.

Fair enough they should have told you in advance, that's a bit crap, but calm down a bit...

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