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To stop talking to MIL?

(267 Posts)
mummytofourbabys Tue 26-Jul-16 09:25:10

Right guys, brace yourselves this is going to be a big one.

Have been with DP for 4 years now, have 3 boys with my EXP and one Dd with my partner now..DP has 3 kids with his ex, so 7 altogether confused

My 4 children live with us, DP works 7 days then has 7 off so the 7 he has off we take his kids for 4 days.

Dps mother is a very very difficult woman, totally resents me and my children and seems to think that DPs 3 children with his ex should get treated like royalty. However I have stayed civil with her out of respect and at times kept my mouth shut when I usually wouldn't.

I know I'm rambling a bit..but I will get there.

So over the years there has been many arguments with her saying that "we don't do enough for DPs children" we take them 4 nights every fortnight, pay maintenance regularly and on time every week, but that isn't enough to her.
over the course of the 4 years she has got increasingly jealous? And Bitter towards my children. But she is a fantastic grandmother to his 3 children so put it down to her just being overprotective. She regularly snipes at my boys when we are all together and takes great delight in pointing out if one of them misbehave, she very rarely pays them any attention, and most of the time will just ignore them.

During all this I have most of the time kept my mouth shut- last year we took my children on a little caravan holiday, as his 3 had already been abroad with MIL. She kicked off about this- and said we "HAD to get someone to look after my boys so we could then take his 3 children on holiday" she regularly makes snipey remarks about "the boys coming first" and that DP spends more time with my boys than his own "flesh and blood" " bearing in mind we live together in the same house this point is ridiculous.

There is a lot more to this but would be here all day if I was to explain everything.
Anyway 7months ago our DD was born, given that MIL in such a brilliant grandmother to his 3 children I assumed she would be the same with DD however she Barely pays her any attention hasn't spent longer than 1 hour at one time with her since she was born, she takes his 3 children twice a week every week without fail but has only had DD once in seven months, if we have his 3 children staying she will phone and ask how they are..no mention of DD or my boys though.

She's a very sly, calculating nasty woman and says really hurtful things but without actually directly coming out and saying them.

Anyway was a big argument last week, where she stated DP is "putting someone else's children before his own" "their his flesh and blood they should come before my kids" when his kids come to stay he should "leave the boys and DD at home and take his kids places on his own" among many other little digs directed towards my children.

I lost it and got very angry as I am sick and tired of my children being dragged into her silly petty arguments. Sick of nothing we do being good enough. She's one of them people that will always focus on what DP isn't doing instead of praising him for what he does do.

AIBU to cut her out of my life completely?
Don't need the stress of her anymore, think I have been more than patient and tried my best to remain civil but enough is enough.

Sorry for the huuuuge story

SaucyJack Tue 26-Jul-16 09:30:17

What sort of father was your DP to his children before he moved in with you?

Not all of what she says sounds that awful to me. It's a difficult situation for you all to be in.

mummytofourbabys Tue 26-Jul-16 09:31:37

He was and still is a brilliant father. That's why it bothers me so much.

As I said there is a lot more to this, she has said some awful things..would be here forever more if I was to tell you everything.

PenelopePitstops Tue 26-Jul-16 09:32:07

To. Be honest your dp should take his boys and do things with them just the 4 of them.

It sounds like there is a lot of resentment between the two "sides" of the family.

The holiday thing sounds a bit odd. Why should she take your kids away? It is odd that you and dp think it's ok to holiday without your dps kids. Regardless of holidays they have elsewhere, the boys are being treated unfairly by you and dp.

ChicRock Tue 26-Jul-16 09:32:21

Well I have to agree with your MIL that your DP should spend some time alone with his children during the 4 days a fortnight that he has them.

And yes, I think he should make some effort to have a holiday with his children.

And she looks after his 3 children probably almost as much as your DP does (twice a week every week).

So I can kind of see her point. Sorry.

mummytofourbabys Tue 26-Jul-16 09:36:17

The boys are mine, not his..
We do things as a family when we have his children so why should there be a divide?

And the holiday thing, my children have never been on holiday before, nowhere in there did I say she should take my children on holiday, so think you maybe have got confused somewhere.

I was simply saying my children deserve to go on holiday too- and at the time we weren't in a position to afford to take them all. Is that really so wrong? Maybe I am in the wrong here? But I am the type of person that tries to see everyone's point in an argument, just can't see hers very often as we treat all the kids as equally as possible.

mummytofourbabys Tue 26-Jul-16 09:37:23

And just to point out she has his 3 children for tea twice a week, we have his children overnight from Monday to Friday every fortnight.

SaucyJack Tue 26-Jul-16 09:39:12

Do you work?

mummytofourbabys Tue 26-Jul-16 09:39:36

Yes I work don't see how thats relevant though?

BertrandRussell Tue 26-Jul-16 09:43:02

I think he should take his children out on their own sometimes- thy need to have some time with their dad when his attention can be focussed on them, just as it is on the other 4 when they are with their mother.

Cosmo111 Tue 26-Jul-16 09:43:14

Sounds like she's struggling to cope with the fact that he left his kids and is with someone who is with has three kids so feels like his traded them in for someone else's - this is MILs point a view maybe this also the three lads point afew aswell. Could be that they are telling her they feel pushed out, I know relationships don't always work out but it's the kids can struggle to cope when their parents get with someone who has kids who see their own father more than they do.

The one thing I do have to agree on with your MIL is that you went on holiday without his boys to the caravan but took your boys that was equally wrong regardless if they went abroad. I wouldn't holiday with out my DS when he's at his dad's and just take his siblings away we would wait and go together as a family unit. It sends out the wrong message those boys have as much right to a holiday with their dad as your boys with you. I'm wondering if your MIL is frustrated as they boys have disclosed their feelings and is encouraging your DP to spent some time away with them if they are feeling abit pushed out.

I'm not attacking but looking at the situation you described objectively, MIL manner and the way she brooching the subject isn't right and she should in way be rude to your boys, she doesn't have to treat them like her GC but you don't have to put up with them not being treated with respect and kindness.

DeathStare Tue 26-Jul-16 09:45:28

I think this is a difficult one as you are both being a bit reasonable and a bit unreasonable.

Yes she should stop having sly digs at your children. No adult should be using children to make a point.

But.....

Your DP should spend sometime alone with his DCs when they are at your/his house. That's only fair.

And I can completely understand why she doesn't offer to take a 7 month old out for the day or round for tea. That's a completely different kettle of fish to having older children.

I think you both need to stop locking horns and finding problems in inocuous things.

Cosmo111 Tue 26-Jul-16 09:47:05

MIL might have always taken the GC out so is very much entitled to do so. Maybe she will take your DD when she's older? Or doesn't feel she is able to ask to have your DD? She isn't obliged to take your three DC although it would be nice if all DC were treated equally it's often difficult to do with extended families.

DeathStare Tue 26-Jul-16 09:49:13

Oh and I also agree with her that if you took your DCs on holiday without his DCs you now owe his DCs a holiday without your DCs.

I think her problem is that she sees it as her grandchildren being treated less well than your children. And I also see elements of that in your post

mummytofourbabys Tue 26-Jul-16 09:50:10

Cosmo..
His children have always got on brilliantly here and we always make an extra effort to make them feel welcome. All the children together get on brilliantly so I don't think it's that they feel excluded I genuinely think his mother is just being difficult because she doesn't like the fact he is with me and my children as you said. She's trying to cause a problem when there doesn't need to be one. She's the type of person that if his children had confided in her about feeling left out etc she would tell us instantly, so definately isn't that either.

As for the holiday thing, we can't afford to take all 7, my children don't have much of a relationship with their father- and at a time where things were upsetting and stressful for them- I decided to take them away for a few days to cheer them up- so it boils down to either we went on holiday with just my children or not at all? And then it would be my kids that were missing out? I'm struggling with that one to see what the right thing to do would be?

mummytofourbabys Tue 26-Jul-16 09:53:21

Deathstare I can assure you that his children are not treated less well at all, I don't know where you have picked that from in my post? As that certainly isn't the case.

The only instance ever where my children have had anything more than his is when we went on holiday. And maybe that was wrong, but I just wanted to take my kids away for a few days to cheer them up as they've had a difficult time with their own father.

Whatatado Tue 26-Jul-16 09:53:48

I think your MIL has a point, your DP should make an effort to spend time on his own with his 3 DC from his first relationship. It must be hard for the 3 DC seeing you all go away with their dad and feeling excluded.

It doesn't sound like your MIL is going about things the right way, and her ignoring your DD is completely unjustified. But perhaps she feels that your DD has both DPs present and needs less attention than the 3 DC from a broken relationship.

ChicRock Tue 26-Jul-16 09:54:13

Doesn't matter how brilliantly you think the children get on at your place.

His children need to spend some time alone with their dad, where they have his total attention and they're not 'sharing' him with your kids.

candykane25 Tue 26-Jul-16 09:54:17

Your mil sounds awful. Sorry you have to deal with that.

Just keep away from her.

Be out when she calls round. Don't go to hers.

She is Obvs bonded with her 3 oldest grandchildren and feels protective of them.

You can't change her.

I doubt she's going to have a relationship with your daughter. Her loss.

I would think about how your DD will handle this when she's older. If she's not included then maybe her elder ones aren't able to go off with granny either.

As long as the kids know they are loved equally, don't worry about granny.

SaucyJack Tue 26-Jul-16 09:55:42

I asked if you worked because you said you couldn't afford to take all of the children away.

If you are working, and fully paying for your children's holiday yourself, then I think your MIL is just being a cow in bringing it up.

But if it was the case that your DP was now spending money on your DC's holiday that he would previously have spent taking his own children away, then I would have completely agreed with her.

mummytofourbabys Tue 26-Jul-16 09:56:33

Cosmo I don't expect her to take my 3 children at all.
And many times we have broached with her that she is more than welcome to have DD anytime she likes.

It's like she's taking her resentment of me and my children out on my DD and that upsets me. It's difficult to get everything across through one post but there is a lot more to it than just what is written here.

Thunderblunder Tue 26-Jul-16 09:59:02

My DP's divorced when I was 11. My dad went into a relationship with my then SM who had 4 DC of her own. My mum stayed single and me, my DB and her went on holiday every year. My dad and his new family went on their first holiday together when I was 15. In that time I had been away 4 times with my mum. Because of this my dad didn't take me away when he went with my SM and her DC. The reason he gave me was because I had had holidays before and they hadn't.
All I remember thinking at the time was it wasn't my fault that my mum took me away so why wasn't I allowed to go on holiday with my dad.
Our relationship never really recovered from that and I did eventually go NC with him a year later as there was other instances where I was left out while they went off and did things as a family. I also never got to spend any time with my dad on my own even though I was only there one day a week.
I can kind of see where your mil is coming from about the holiday to be honest.

DeathStare Tue 26-Jul-16 09:59:09

I was simply saying my children deserve to go on holiday too- and at the time we weren't in a position to afford to take them all. Is that really so wrong?

Yes it is. Sorry.

- I decided to take them away for a few days to cheer them up- so it boils down to either we went on holiday with just my children or not at all? And then it would be my kids that were missing out?

And this is her problem. You couldn't afford to take all 7 children on holiday so instead of waiting until you could afford it you went ahead and had a holiday without his DCs. The priority was that your children didn't miss out and neither you or your DH really cared that this meant his DCs missed out. That sends a really clear message about the different importance of the different children - even though I'm sure that's not what you intended to convey

PenelopePitstops Tue 26-Jul-16 09:59:54

You are going to justify your position no matter what. Your dp really seems to be the issue as he should be making time with his kids when they are with you. Your kids have you all the time whereas he only sees his every other week.

MIL sees her grandchildren not being treated the same as your children and she feels irked (possibly on their behalf). Your post does read like your kids are number 1 priority and dps kids are second best. Whether or not you think this, your post looks like this.

mummytofourbabys Tue 26-Jul-16 10:00:08

Saucy Jack yes I work, and paid for a fair chunk of the holiday myself.

But I will also add that we paid for one of his children's flights to go away with the grandmother as she was only going to be taking 2 of his children with her and the oldest one was very upset that he couldn't go with her too.

Like I keep saying there is a lot more to this than just what is in this post. We have always done our best for his children and given my children's father has treated my kids very badly I would never want that for my stepkids so make an extra effort.

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