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To not take kids to grandparents?

(34 Posts)
MammyV Tue 26-Jul-16 08:39:50

Split with husband year and half ago, I live in Scotland now (inherited my parents home) he is really far south in England near his immediate family. He is an arse, physically & emotionally abused me for years, never hurt kids ever though. Was very hard time making the move away, especially with kids, Divorce just finalising now family court ordered me full custody with him no contact or visitation as judge said he was 'unstable', interdict in place he is not allowed near our home, he facetimes kids every day which is fine with me. Judge said if kids want to see him and in future if I'm ok with it then it's my call really. I told grandparents they can see kids anytime no problem but what seems to happen is i'm the one driving kids south and picking them up with no help from them? I'm only working p/t so I can be there for kids and no childcare etc and I get £20 a week maintenance from ex for kids. So they expect me to drive south (8hours) and back again and stay over in a hotel so they can see the kids, without giving me a fuel contribution...I am under no obligation to let them see the kids but I feel it's really important they see their family, and I know the grandparents take kids to see their father etc which to be honest I'm ok with as long as he doesn't bother me, but I just can't afford this any more, they know my financial situation and say the journey here is too far for them I say either help or your not seeing them or if you want to see them you come here? Then they won't see their dad,,, ps the family are a bit dim so perhaps I need to spell it out to them? What would you do?

Gizlotsmum Tue 26-Jul-16 08:42:29

Would meeting part way be an option? How often are you doing it?

KittyLaRoux Tue 26-Jul-16 08:45:05

Just be honest.

Say that you want them to see DC but you cannot afford it any more. If they can help pay half the costs then you are happy to continue the arrangement if not then they are welcome to come to Scotland to see the children.

rollonthesummer Tue 26-Jul-16 08:46:32


How many times have you driven the 8 hours down to see them?

I wouldn't do it- they can meet half way or travel 8h themselves or pay half (though the time spent travelling would bug me more than the money!).

MammyV Tue 26-Jul-16 08:46:36

Doing the journey every time kids on holiday from school, the grandad says he can't drive more than an hour due to bad legs? Load of rubbish to be honest, I drive kids there, (8!hrs) stay in hotel drive back home (8hrs) then do it all again the following week, it costs me about £250 each time but I feel bad as I moved the kids away, but it was for my safety and they know what their son was like with me, but I really don't think they will help pay and I feel sad if kids lose that relationship

rollonthesummer Tue 26-Jul-16 08:47:23

Way too much- nope, I wouldn't be doing it.

Gizlotsmum Tue 26-Jul-16 08:50:02

Couldn't they get trains if they can't drive? Be honest say you want to maintain the relationship but can't afford too, suggest meeting halfway and if they refuse say if they could help with some of the cost it would be easier. They will call emotional blackmail. The other ( slightly mean option) would be you will do it once the maintenance aid by ex (which you will save) covers half the costs ...

Missgraeme Tue 26-Jul-16 08:50:37

Wow u have gone over and above your duty! Tell them to get technical and they can face time too! Or they can travel and stay in a hotel! U can spend the cash saved on taking your kids away with u!!

allthemadmen Tue 26-Jul-16 08:51:55

for goodness sake no.

One would think after the awful way their son has behaved they would be bending over to help you - at least financially with the costs!
Do they have GP On your side? family?

not your place to force the relationship they are not doing much right now to help it.

rollonthesummer Tue 26-Jul-16 08:53:42

What would they say if you said you simply couldn't afford it any more?

Dutchcourage Tue 26-Jul-16 08:57:32

I agree with allthemadmen

I'm also inclined to think they find it easy to rely on your good nature because their son obviously did.

They should be driving at least half way but tbh I'd say no to it costing you so much expense now.

That £20 a week is nothing so don't feel obliged.

MammyV Tue 26-Jul-16 08:58:04

No immediate family here in scotland all dead now to be honest so I'm very much on my own sad

RNBrie Tue 26-Jul-16 08:58:42

Tell them to get the train or fly... If seeing the kids was really important to them, theyf find a way to get there.

That1950sMum Tue 26-Jul-16 08:59:52

You sound very reasonable and have done all you can to maintain contact with the grandparents. I'd just be honest, explain that you can't afford it and see if there is somewhere halfway you could meet that they can access by train.

MammyV Tue 26-Jul-16 09:01:00

If I said I wouldn't take them I honestly really doubt they would come here, it makes y blood boil as so many grandparents are desperate to see their grandkids and these 2 just sit back and make me run around like a loony, it's knackering all the driving plus not sure my wee car can handle the drive much now and I certainly can't afford a new one, thank you for your replies, I will stand up to them, but just didn't know If I was being unreasonable to do so, thank you

Xenadog Tue 26-Jul-16 09:04:13

I would tell them you can't afford to keep bringing the children south so if they want to see them they have to make the journey north. That's it. If they want to see the kids they know what they have to do. Or they could Skype as a pp suggested. Could they not arrange to visit during the school holidays and make a holiday of it for themselves once a year as well?

girlywhirly Tue 26-Jul-16 09:04:55

They are BU. I think you should tell them straight how much it costs you to drive the kids down for contact, and that you cannot afford to continue.

They could get a railcard and travel off peak to you by train and it would be less than half of what you pay to drive to them.

foursillybeans Tue 26-Jul-16 09:06:56

Yep you need to spell it out to them. You are not obliged to take them, you will meet them halfway if they pay. End of that really.

rollonthesummer Tue 26-Jul-16 09:07:13

Have you told them it costs you £250 to come down but you only get £20 maintenance. I think you need to spell it out.

MammyV Tue 26-Jul-16 09:11:51

Kids were meant to be seeing them October week but I've decided (thanks to you lot telling me I'm not being unreasonable) to just book a caravan here and invite them up for the holiday, maybe when they have to make the journey themselves either by train/plane they will realise costs involved what do you think?

SpringerS Tue 26-Jul-16 09:12:30

First off, well done for splitting with your husband and starting a new life with you and your kids safe and protected. Secondly, I know a bit of what it's like to be doing all the running in order to keep my DS in contact with my husband's family. What I've decided it to do my 'half' of the travelling even though that half is the 'whole.' So maybe decide exactly what you are willing to do to keep contact between your children and their grandparents. For example, if you would be delighted with them having four meet ups a year, two with you travelling, two with them travelling, then you just stick to doing the two visits that would suit you. Maybe one around Christmas and one during the summer holidays. And be effusive in your invitation for them to come visit you in between. Other than that see if they too will make regular skype/facetime contact, maybe at a set time each week, or at least regular phone calls. It's good for your children to maintain a relationship with both sides of their family but just do the travelling that you are comfortable with and leave the door open for them to visit of they want.

MammyV Tue 26-Jul-16 09:12:35

Better way to spend the £250 I think wink

Gottagetmoving Tue 26-Jul-16 09:16:31

If you cannot afford it then you shouldn't do it.
If the GPs want to spend time with the children, then in this case, they should at least go halves.
It is really lovely of you that you are concerned about them seeing the children and that you have tried to make it happen.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Tue 26-Jul-16 09:20:44

If they book train tickets 12 weeks in advance they'll get them really cheaply - they just need to be organised (and to get off their arses and do it). They can then have a lovely, stress-free break with the GCs. YANBU

Porcupinetree Tue 26-Jul-16 09:22:27

YANBU. If they want to see them they will travel!

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