AIBU to think if you won't travel to see someone you can't complain you don't see them enough?
A friend and I live about 25 miles away, which on public transport takes about 2.5hrs and costs about £15-£20. For either of us it would involve bus - train - bus. She lives in a city and I live rurally. Her income is about double mine, but neither of us are especially hard up. There are no other extenuating circumstances such as travel phobias etc - she semi regularly goes to towns which are 40 miles from her home.
Once upon a time I used to travel to her house and see her about once a fortnight because it was a convenient journey for me at the time and I was happy to do it and enjoyed seeing her. In the 3 years I have known her she has never visited me at my house or in my nearest town (which would be a bus then a train) where I have always said I would be happy to meet instead. The closet to my home that she has ever agreed to meet me is 20 miles away from me! I'm pretty sure this is because she views visiting my house / town as being not especially interesting (average house, average town, much like hers in fact) and therefore not worthwhile when she could save herself the effort and expense by getting me to come to her house instead.
She frequently nags me about arranging a time to go and see her. More or less every time we chat she will mention booking a diary date for me to come over and often she will mention it several times within the same conversation. She uses what I feel are standard emotional blackmail lines such as "but it's so sad I don't get to see you much any more", "I really miss having a good chat", "it would be so nice to have you over for XYZ again", plus sometimes "I've got XYZ amazing thing I really want to show you / give you, but it's at my house so you'll have to come over". Sometimes I just respond by saying I'm too busy / making an excuse, but a few times I've "called her" on it and have responded with "Yes, I really miss seeing you too. It would be lovely to see you, how about you come over to [my nearest town] / my house and we can have a good chat". Strangely, whenever I have done that she falls very silent about how much she misses seeing me and changes the topic or doesn't reply to my message!
AIBU to think that in the absence of extenuating circumstances it should be the person willing to do the travelling who chooses how often to meet up, and that it's bloody unreasonable to complain to the other person that you don't get to see them often enough if you're unwilling to ever travel?
Also, AIBU to "call her" on this whenever she uses the emotional blackmail tactics by offering an invite to my town / house instead?
AIBU?
To think if you won't travel to see someone you can't complain you don't see them enough?
NobodyInParticular · 25/07/2016 22:04
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Message withdrawn at poster's request.
"She uses what I feel are standard emotional blackmail lines such as "but it's so sad I don't get to see you much any more", "I really miss having a good chat", "it would be so nice to have you over for XYZ again", plus sometimes "I've got XYZ amazing thing I really want to show you / give you, but it's at my house so you'll have to come over". Sometimes I just respond by saying I'm too busy / making an excuse, but a few times I've "called her" on it and have responded with "Yes, I really miss seeing you too. It would be lovely to see you, how about you come over to [my nearest town] / my house and we can have a good chat". Strangely, whenever I have done that she falls very silent about how much she misses seeing me and changes the topic or doesn't reply to my message!"
I think you need to have some stronger responses at the ready for her. Making excuses is pointless, and 'how about you you come over' she is brushing aside far too easily.
- Well I think it's your turn to visit, don't you?
- Why do you always expect me to visit you, why won't you visit me?
- I find it upsetting that you expect me to always visit you.
And don't let her change the topic! If she tries, just respond with 'You haven't answered my question.'
Can you tell I can't be arsed with this type?
YANBU my sister and brother in law are like this. In the past 8 years they have never visited us. They do live at the other end of the country but always expect us to go to them.
They always moan about not seeing us (I think ideally they would want us to go every 8 weeks or so) they never even came when I had dd just asked us to bring her down when she was a few days old. Despite the fact we drove down to meet both their babies when they were born because who really wants to make a big car journey after giving birth.
They both drive and will drive further than they have to drive to see us to see their friends but won't make the effort to us because much like your friend they have decided they don't like where we live (despite never actually visiting the area)
When dd2 was born I decided that enough was enough after 5 years of putting all the effort in and driving to the every 8 weeks (ish) and that I was not going to drive to them until they came to see us just once. Every time they suggested meeting we welcomed them to come and stay with us. They tried all sorts of emotional blackmail to get us to them but I stood my ground.
I literally just wanted them to show us we were worth the same effort as their friends just once but despite them still now saying pretty much weekly that they are desperate to see us we haven't seen them in 3 years now. Because their 'desperate to see us' has to involve minimal effort of their part.
They've never even met our daughter who turned three a couple of weeks ago.
We could drive to them and it's sad we don't see them but I do resent doing it when they drive past us to visit friends (regularly) but won't even stop off for an hour on route to say hello. I think a friendship / relationship based on one person putting in all the effort and one person refusing to give a bit is no relationship all.
YANBU to visit her on your terms not hers if she won't put the effort in or call her in it next time she moans
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purple at torrid affair with Flatmate!
No, I really don't think there is a practical reason. No flatmates, just an OH and DC. I have offered to have her over when OH and DC are out, in case that is the reason. She has pets and I don't, plus my house (not that she would know!) is much cleaner / less cluttered than hers. It's true that our spare room is a junk room not designed for guests, however we do have a sofa bed in the living room (I sleep on the sofa when staying at hers) Plus, I've also invited her to my parents v nice 'country house' when they are away, and invited her just during the daytime so no overnight stay required and invited her to two of my nearest towns. So I can't see what reasonable objection she could have to all of those places, beyond it just being not very exciting and too much effort when she could sit on her arse and let me come to her?
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