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To be feeling in such conflict over this..

(17 Posts)
Favouritethings Mon 25-Jul-16 17:46:27

Growing up, my mum was a big drinker. But not a funny, jolly drunk. A very depressive, quite frightening drunk. I'd spend weekends with my dad and midweek with my mum as they'd divorced. I am an only child. To be frank, my mums drinking terrified me. I asked her on several occasions to stop, but she would instantly shut me down and tell me she was an adult and could do as she liked. My mums drinking aside, I had a happy upbringing. When my mum isn't drinking, she is a kind and thoughtful person. I am now in my thirties, married, with two dc. I dont drink as I always promised myself I wouldn't subject them to the worries I had. My mum lives several hours away and we enjoy going to see her a few times a year and stay for the weekend. She's never drunk in front of my dc. Last weekend we drove down to see her. She ring when we were 10 mins away to get an eti. She was wasted. I told her 10 mins away and ended the call. I told my she she sounded very drunk. He suggested when we arrive that he parks down a side road and I go in to see her and suss out the situation. The dc are oblivious. I tell them that granny doesn't sound very well so we might not be able to stay. I go in to see mum. She can barely stand and slurs at me that she's had a tough week and she's not drunk. I tell her that she is and that we won't stay as I won't have the dc around her whilst she's drunk. She says it's my choice and slams the door. I then get into the car and tell my family that we are going to have to go home as granny isn't well! Dc very good about it considering how disappointed they were. Dh bless him, had to drive us the 3 hrs back home! I felt gutted. Also felt bad knowing she's lonely and was looking forward to seeing us, would have got food in especially etc.. Next day I receive a text from her at lunchtime. Thought it'd be an apology. Nope. 'Seeing as you've become the perfect daughter and mother, perhaps you'd like to share your secret. What makes you so faultless?' I replied 'I'm sorry you're having a tough time and I love you very much but I stand by last nights decision. I will not have my dc around you when you are drunk'. The next day I get another text 'I'm sorry it will never happen again. Will you still come to X ( a pre planned event we were going to with her next week)?'. I tell her 'Call me tomorrow when I'm on my lunch'. Following day she calls me. No apology, just talks as though nothing's happened. She tells me that she's about to book tickets to X. I stepped in asking her to explain her text to me (the faultless one). She tells me it was in response to how upset she felt after I'd left her house. I said we were all upset and I thought she would have used our conversation here as an opportunity to apologise in person.. She hangs up as I'm in the midst of saying this. Not heard from her since. I'm so sad. I'm so angry. Was her text apology enough? Should I leave it now? Or would you feel pretty pissed off too??! So sorry it's so long but it's great to get it off my chest and hopefully get some objective opinions.

mommy2ash Mon 25-Jul-16 17:52:52

Your mum is an alcoholic an apology is pointless. She has done this your whole life and will continue to do this until she makes the decision to stop drinking. If you want your mum in your life you have to accept this and stick to not subjecting your children to her while drunk. I was raised by alcoholics and it has taken a long time to come to terms with this.

Amelie10 Mon 25-Jul-16 17:55:34

Oh sorry op that must have been such a disappointment. She's an alcoholic and if she's this defensive then she won't change. You really don't need to subject your DC to her out of obligation. Imagine if you turned up and the kids witnessed her behavior.
She's hasn't even apologised to you or feel bad that the DC and your DH came all the way.

Wolfiefan Mon 25-Jul-16 18:01:48

She's an alcoholic. Her relationship with alcohol is more important to her than her relationship with you.
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure her.
I'm afraid I would go nc. (I too grew up around alcohol issues.)
Sorry OP.

Timeforabiscuit Mon 25-Jul-16 18:12:51

Hi op, im a little ways down the road with you - i found something kicked in once i became a parent, that her bollocks would NOT be affecting my children.

Its not really about whether her apology is enough, this isnt one mistake, this is her life - its how much of your time and energy your willing to take from yourself and give to your mum.

I am very low contact now, am having councelling but my biggest break through was actually being honest with people rather than dissassembling the truth for her benefit, i found the adult children of alcoholics website and the stately homes threads here really useful.

Good luck.

WoahSlowDown Mon 25-Jul-16 18:18:08

How old are your kids? I have always been very open and honest with my DC about some of my relatives, umm, foibles. I think it made it easier for them and for me.

straightouttacompton Mon 25-Jul-16 18:27:36

Your Mum is ill. She has a mental illness which is alcohol dependence.

You are well within your rights to limit contact with her and protect your children from seeing her intoxicated.

If you want to limit contact with her because it is damaging to you -- fine. You do have to think of your wellbeing and the wellbeing of your family and that is the right decision for you. But please don't think she's chosen alcohol over you anymore than any other mentally ill person 'chose' illness.

iMatter Mon 25-Jul-16 18:27:54

You've done the right thing OP and your approach is spot on.

You are absolutely right to be concerned about her behaviour and to keep your dc away from her. You know first hand the effect an alcoholic has on a childhood.

I would take a step back from her for a while.

Heidi42 Mon 25-Jul-16 18:33:36

I am sorry OP but this is entirely your mum's fault do not feel guilty do not run after her . She knew what she was doing and chose drink over seeing her dd and her dgc . I know she is an addict and I know she can't help it. I think her addiction is possibly getting worse and she really needs help. Whether she accepts/wants help is another step. I wish you all the best you sound like a very lovely dd and she is so very lucky to have you .

MrsBobDylan Mon 25-Jul-16 18:36:26

That's so shit for you. Thing is, you don't need an apology from her, you need sobriety and she seems unlikely to achieve that at present.

I think as a pp said, you need to work out how much you're willing to sacrifice and go from there.

You handled it brilliantly though and really stood your ground. I can relate, also as a child of an alcoholic.The worst thing it does it to turn you into someone who can take loads of shit off people, pushing aside your own needs and wants.

Stand your ground, you've done nothing wrong and everything right.

Welshmaenad Mon 25-Jul-16 19:07:36

OP my paternal grandfather was an alcoholic. My contact with him was infrequent and he died when I was six, but even now I remember the dread of impending visits and how frightened I was of him.

Thank you for shielding your children from that aspect of your DM's life and protecting their memories of her. I don't believe in perfection, but you are an excellent mum for that alone.

Favouritethings Mon 25-Jul-16 19:38:47

Thank you all so much for your responses, it's been very reassuring to read through them. My head knows I've done the right thing, but my heart felt as though I'd kicked her whilst she was down

Shizzlestix Mon 25-Jul-16 19:46:18

Been there, done this.

I think you handled a horrible situation incredibly well, OP. It must have been extremely difficult to walk away from her and not just cave and wait til next morning. She should be apologising profusely. It's up to you if you approach her or if you wait it out for her to contact you, but regardless of what happens, she needs to know that you and your family are far more important than alcohol.

Iloveowls2 Mon 25-Jul-16 19:52:21

I feel your pain my mil is an alcoholic with an enabling fil. They live 3 hours away but everytime we see them she gets drunk and spoils whole weekend. We are practically nc with her now. It's a shame FIL is lovely and would like to see more of him. It destroys my DH everytime his fm puts alcohol before his DS I actually hate the selfish cow. You're not alone she's had years to sort this out if she won't do it for DGC she won't do it for anything. In future tell her you'll meet half way for lunch IF she is sober but don't take DC they don't need this in their lives

Hepzibar Mon 25-Jul-16 19:53:03

What difference will an apology make? She could say it but it wouldn't mean jack shit. Alcoholics lie and manipulate.
Don't join in with the game.
Look after yourself and your DC.
She's ill and needs treatment but needs to want it to get it.

Go to an Alanon meeting, google it, find a meeting in Your area and go, that's the best advice I can give you.

Favouritethings Mon 25-Jul-16 20:10:29

You're right an apology won't change anything. I guess I just wanted her to 'be sorry' and acknowledge her actions. All pretty pointless if an apology is unforthcoming and said for the sake of it! Although, she did text an apology. Just didn't feel enough.

Favouritethings Mon 25-Jul-16 20:11:02

Will google alanon meeting smile

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