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to not want them to marry

(123 Posts)
nothingisnothing Mon 25-Jul-16 02:29:06

*edit before posting: Grab a cuppa, its a bit lengthy sorry!*

DF phoned this evening to tell me he's getting married.
He's obviously not thought it through as it was a spur of the moment proposal - no ring, question popped in the kitchen and certainly no word to my DS or I beforehand (he does usually talk to us about what he's thinking of doing).
Bit of background : DM passed away 10 years ago after a 12 month battle with cancer. They had been married for 28 years.
8 months later, DF met his GF through an online date site, and after 12 months of dating (travelling 2hours drive each way every weekend and him doing all the leg work) moved her and her late teen Dd in with him.
Non of our family have ever been that sure of her genuineness and have never thought they were a "match".
We are a pretty typical hardworking British family, she is from a completely different country and culture, deeply religious (DF always opposed religion saying believers were brainwashed) and still to this day have nothing much in common.
Her work life was pretty sporadic for the first few years and any wage earned, minus what she needed to get by, was sent back to her family in her home country. Df supported her financially when she didn't work, took her on holidays abroad, bought her a car and other things (DF was well known for being tight with the cash before all this. It was 25 years before he ever paid to take DM on holiday)
She has been continuously employed for the last few years but the work she has always chosen has been a live in 2week on - 2week off type so she spends about 6 month of the year with DF.
Now, don't get me wrong, she seems a lovely person when I go round to visit. There is just something not quite right. She doesn't make any effort with our family nor with DF for that matter. He treats her like the queen and I don't see or hear of anything that she does for him. Not even cooking. Go on her fb and there's nothing, not 1 picture or mention of DF. I've even tagged her in family photos and she doesn't allow them to show. There's something definitely dodgy about it all.
So, just from that little bit of background, I'm sure you can see why I think my DF is being very foolish. What makes me angry about it (and I know this sounds greedy of me) Is my parents worked long and hard all their life to get the life they wanted. DM always said that if anything happened to them, then the house was to be shared between me and DS. The mortgage on the house was paid up 5 years before DM died, and all I can think is that if they marry, and when DF's time is up, she will get it along with everything else regardless of the fact that she hasn't brought anything into the relationship in all this time.
I don't think ibu, wwyd?
Sorry its been a long one but I think the background was needed for a better picture.

Rumpelstiltskin143 Mon 25-Jul-16 02:42:46

Nothing you can do, it's not your business. Unless your Dad has dementia if he want to be an old fool that's his right.

Euphemia Mon 25-Jul-16 02:42:54

YABVU. You're way over-invested in his life, and are making this all about you. You also sound bigoted, grabby and judgemental.

They've been together nearly ten years?! It's time you accepted it.

ShanghaiDiva Mon 25-Jul-16 02:54:48

Even if they are not married she could still be a beneficiary of his will. It's up to him what he does with his assets, regardless of what your mum said. If you mum had wanted you to benefit she could have left you her share of the house or given your father a lifetime interest in the property.
You say she brought nothing to the relationship, but not all contributions are financial.

Liz09 Mon 25-Jul-16 03:04:36

Wait, they've been together 9 years? And you think he hasn't though it through?

Sounds to me like you just don't like her. But, like it or lump it, it's his choice to date and marry whomever he likes.

FuckJeffGoldblumMan Mon 25-Jul-16 03:07:16

10 years and you still think she's up to something?!

Surely no one plays the long game for this long grin

trafalgargal Mon 25-Jul-16 03:11:48

Getan't you just be happy your Dad has someone who makes him happy- geting married after ten years together
Very different relationship to the one he had with your Mum (which maybe you resent) but perhaps your Dad regrets the things he and your Mum didn't get to do together assuming they'd have retirement together and now he has realized lfe is too short and he's realized money in the bank means nothing if you're dead.
you wouldn't have really wanted him to spend ten years and more alone surely ?

As for any inheritance-Your Mum didn't leave you anythingas was her right and if she was ill for a year she and your Dad probably did talk about what her wishes were.

Atenco Mon 25-Jul-16 03:28:30

Waiting for an inheritance is a waste of time and hope. I did get two small inheritances that I never expected, however the people I know who have expected inheritances ended up being diddled out of them, which is horrible. Surely you want your dad to be happy and not lonely.

Kallyno Mon 25-Jul-16 03:38:49

They've been together nearly a decade. You cannot expect to fully understand their relationship and harsh, though this sounds, it isn't really any of your business. In an ideal world our parents would marry someone who we could get along with and perhaps even come to love - God knows I envy those that have this. In the real world lots of people (myself included) find themselves as adults with step parents that leave them wondering "what-the-fucking-fuck?!". Their relationship may well be completely different to the one your parents had and perhaps this is exactly what your father wanted and suits him well, as disorientating as it might be for you.

Your role in all this is just to contribute to preserving a decent enough relationship with your father and wish him well in his adult life. Maybe you will need to be there for him when it goes tit's up, but he's an autonomous adult and it is his life to lead.

WRT any possible inheritance. As I have said to my own mother often (not all my siblings hare this view, hence reiterating it to my mother), parents are not responsible for making financial choices that profit their children on their death bed and they should feel free to spend their money as they see fit, imo. You say your parents worked hard for their money, now it is for your father to choose what to do with it.

As for the actual experience of having a step parent that you do not relate to at all, I feel your pain. It sucks. But still the decent thing to do is wish him well, love him, and leave well alone. But I do feel your pain.

IPityThePontipines Mon 25-Jul-16 03:44:51

I would agree that it's foolish to rely on or want someone else's money to become yours, even if they are family.

It's possible her family don't approve of the relationship, so she keeps it off Fb to avoid hassle.

As to the rest, it's been nine years, she must bring something to the table for them to still be together.

So yes, YABU.

However, to anyone reading this: make a will. It would avoid so many issues if people did this.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion Mon 25-Jul-16 03:57:00

I can understand the awkwardness. I can relate all too well.

But, waiting and living your life on an inheritance that may or may not come is no way to live.

Plus, it's been almost ten years. You had to have seen this coming.

Kiwiinkits Mon 25-Jul-16 03:58:22

All you can do really, OP, is have a chat to your dad and remind him that you hope you'll be provided for in his will (given that it will all go to her unless otherwise stated). Make sure he gets his will re-drafted in anticipation of marriage (as marriage repudiates an existing will, I think?)

ShanghaiDiva Mon 25-Jul-16 04:12:45

The will will automatically be void when he marries. He needs to either make a will after he marries or make one in anticipation of marriage.
Seem crass to remind your dad that you hope you'll be provided for in the will.

IamtheDevilsAvocado Mon 25-Jul-16 04:24:09

Yes she MAY be playing a long game, and yes she may be not YOUR ideal for a step mother...!

But as long as he has capacity to make this decision this is his right...

Having said this: does your dad realise that without a will you {probably?) won't inherit your part of your mum's Estate?

Assuming he still wants this to happen... He MUST write a will!

HumpMeBogart Mon 25-Jul-16 04:37:33

What Euphemia said. How do you know what she brings or doesn't to the relationship?

daisychain01 Mon 25-Jul-16 04:51:58

breaking news you don't need a ring to get engaged or even married.

When you get a bit older you'll realise, as your DF does now, that life is too short to delay happiness.

Sounds like you are spending a helluva lot of time sizing up there relationship based on what work she does, how much money she is sending to her relatives and how much you're hoping to be left in your DFs will. Again Breaking News, your DF can bequeath to whomever he wishes.

All you can do really, OP, is have a chat to your dad and remind him that you hope you'll be provided for in his will


daisychain01 Mon 25-Jul-16 04:52:25

their, not there

VioletBam Mon 25-Jul-16 04:53:33

Even if they didn't marry....they've been together TEN years and she could potentially still have a claim on his estate.

It's life OP.

fuckyoucanceryoucuntingknob Mon 25-Jul-16 04:57:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary Mon 25-Jul-16 04:59:18

They've been together for nearly a decade; it's more than enough time to think things through. They could well have been considering this for a very long time. Anyway, in the nicest possible way, OP, they are adults and don't need your approval.
Perhaps your DF senses your reticence and disapproval of the relationship. It could be part of the reason he did not discuss the proposal with you beforehand. If his partner feels that you're not keen on the relationship, I think it's understandable that she would take a step back. She may feel that it is more sensitive to avoid pushing herself into your lives, trying to make herself involved in the extended family because you are not comfortable with her.
Losing your DM is a terrible thing, I'm so sorry you went through that. flowers It must have been very difficult to see your father "move on" so quickly. The relationship between your DF and his partner has lasted considerably longer than many marriages and they are making a public and private commitment to each other. Perhaps the lead up to this wedding might be an opportunity for you to get a little more involved and get to know the women who will shortly be your step-mother and step-sister better. It could be the start of a different, positive relationship with them if you want it.

daisychain01 Mon 25-Jul-16 05:04:33

I just love the fact the OP thinks her DF is so clueless he hasn't thought things through carefully enough, and will benefit from her expert opinion about how he should run his life and relationships.

fuckyoucanceryoucuntingknob Mon 25-Jul-16 05:10:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

parrots Mon 25-Jul-16 05:18:40

I don't think YABU to feel the way you do about this marriage - you clearly see the house and any potential inheritance as a link to your dead DM. However, your dad has every right to live his own life and if his DF makes him happy you will just have to accept it

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad Mon 25-Jul-16 05:28:40

You ANBU - your concerns are legitimate and if it was my father I would feel just the same way. Therefore I would talk to him about his will now and certainly about your mother's share of your inheritance - she would surely want this to go to you not his new wife. It's entirely natural to be invested in this.
Others have said the woman would have a claim on his will whether or not they were married - but, as his offspring, so would you, so it's far better to get this sorted out now to a avoid legal costs later.

I have a friend who this happened to, her and her two brothers lost their mother who they were all incredibly close to. Father remarried woman with two younger daughters - when he died wife and two daughters naturally remained in the house then when she died the step children inherited estate from their mother whilst friend and brothers got nothing. They didn't realise they could claim and therefore didn't. It's caused irreversible damage to relationships within the family and is an entirely unfair situation - why should the step children inherit what was my friends' natural parents' estate whilst my friend and her brothers get nothing - the law recognises that natural children have a claim on their parents' estate therefore you ANBU and this should be resolved now by ensuring he makes a will in which, in the event of his death, at least your share of your mother's estate goes to you and not to his new wife or her DDs.

Fairylea Mon 25-Jul-16 05:59:40

They've been together 10 YEARS?!

He's hardly rushing into it! They could have been married and divorced twice by now to be honest. He probably didn't make a big deal of it because he knew you don't particularly like her, people can tell even if you don't say anything.

Wish him luck, send a card of congratulations and be happy for him. Whatever happens to the money it really shouldn't be anyone's concern but his. I'd much rather my parent be married and happy with a new partner than alone and miserable.

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