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Aibu or is DP re step daughter having her own room?

(187 Posts)
Kukoo Sun 24-Jul-16 23:48:27

I have 3 DC (2 DS 5 & 8, DD 11) who live with us 5 nights of the week.

DP has 1 DD (3) who stays with us 1 night a week.

We have a baby on the way and are moving to a 5 bedroom house, which I'll be buying, just my name on the mortgage.

At the moment the boys share and if like them to have their own room each. They share a small room at their dad's house and are very much on top of each other, which means they bicker a lot. DD has her own small at our house and has a pop us bed at her dad's.

DP would like his DD to have her own room at the new house and for the boys to continue to share. She has her own room at her mum's house and I only stays with us one night a week.

We are planning to give the baby the smallest room.

Who is BU?

Blondie1984 Sun 24-Jul-16 23:51:23

He is - if she is only there one night then she doesn't need her own room.....at least not when she is only 3!!

JanTheJam Sun 24-Jul-16 23:51:24

Him.

But who will she share with? The baby?

maninawomansworld01 Sun 24-Jul-16 23:52:53

He is.
Crazy to leave a perfectly good bedroom unoccupied 6 nights a week while the boys have to share!

NeedsAsockamnesty Sun 24-Jul-16 23:53:29

She stays 1 night a week them she does not need her own room.

He is but lots of people will come on and call you a heartless cow for thinking that because none resident step children are entitled to more space and more consideration and more everything than resident children even tho the already have those things in the house that they actually live in.

NatalieRushman Sun 24-Jul-16 23:53:35

It sounds like neither of you are BU. The boys need their own space, but it's unreasonable to make your 11 yo DD to share with a 3 yo. The best situation would probably be to keep baby in your room, and give each of the dc their own room.

Lurkedforever1 Sun 24-Jul-16 23:54:06

I'd put his dd and baby in a room together, and give smallest room to the 5yr old.

NatalieRushman Sun 24-Jul-16 23:54:38

Oh, I didn't realise it was only 1 night a week. Oops blush in that case, YA definitely NBU.

Kukoo Sun 24-Jul-16 23:56:08

She can't sleep in a shared room as she won't settle, this is what DP has always maintained hence she's never slept in our room.

At the moment she has a travel cot in the sitting room... Obviously this won't do when she gets bigger... I'm really not sure what to do tbh, suggestions welcome!

HairySubject Sun 24-Jul-16 23:57:07

I would get the baby and the dsd to share as the two youngest but not in the smallest room.
I would probably keep baby in with me for a good year anyway. I actually had dsd with me for 2 years.

HeddaGarbled Sun 24-Jul-16 23:58:08

It would be ridiculous to have a bedroom empty 6 nights a week when there is pressure on bedrooms.

Your SD should go in with either the baby or your DD for the one night a week she stays with you. She needs a proper bed and space to store some of her things though.

Kukoo Sun 24-Jul-16 23:58:38

Yes was thinking she could stay in babies room for the first 6 months-1 year.... Not sure after that, it's really just nursery sized.

hazeimcgee Mon 25-Jul-16 00:00:28

I think it depends on how long new baby will be with you. She could surely go in that room for now and by the time new baby is ready to come out of yours they could share? She'll be older so may find it easier to settle and hopefully baby will be asleep before her and sleep through.

Even if new baby is a boy there's no reason they can't share for a couple of years

ladyjadey Mon 25-Jul-16 00:00:42

I think YABU. I live with DP and my 2 DDs. He has DD and DS from previous relationship. All our kids have their own rooms. If they didn't, My girls would have to share. His kids need a space of their own when they are here so it's their home too. Because baby will need a room, I think is acceptable that your sons share. It doesn't matter whose name is on the deeds, if you are a family then you share everything equally. I understand this might not feel right to you now but I felt the same a few years ago. DP is trying to do right by his DD.

hazeimcgee Mon 25-Jul-16 00:00:49

Sorry, cross posted

KondoAttitude Mon 25-Jul-16 00:01:21

Go for Lurkedforever 's solution but do something to mark out part of the room as "hers" as she gets older - e.g. IKEA high bed with desk or space for playing underneath it decorated with her drawings/photos of her, and with her special toys etc. Something that makes clear that she has her own permanent place in your house to come back to.

hazeimcgee Mon 25-Jul-16 00:01:55

How would 11 yo feel about sharing 1 night a week after new baby goes into nursery?

FantasticButtocks Mon 25-Jul-16 00:03:15

Baby in with you when she's staying, sd has baby's room to herself? So basically she and baby share one room but don't sleep in it at the same time. Therefore she has her own room (baby's too) but baby also has own room six nights a week - everyone is then accommodated smile

Kukoo Mon 25-Jul-16 00:03:29

I think 11 year old would be OK, but at the moment his DD wakes through the night so I don't think it would be fair until she can sleep through.

memyselfandaye Mon 25-Jul-16 00:04:36

I think you need to buy somewhere with either an attic or garage you can develop into a den/sleeping space for the older kids.

Kukoo Mon 25-Jul-16 00:04:37

That's a really good idea
fantasticbuttocks

Mycatsabastard Mon 25-Jul-16 00:06:44

I had the same issue and put my foot down.

We had DSD the equivalent of 1 night a week. Had two bedrooms with my dd's living with us. Mine were 6 and 13. Dsd was 8. Dp and I were sleeping downstairs, teen had her own room and dd2 had the slightly larger room with bunk beds so dsd could share with her. Dsd and her mum said this was unfair. Dp was wavering but I couldn't justify a room sitting empty most of the time when we were sleeping in the bloody living room!

In the end it was kept as I'd suggested.

I'd suggest you put your youngest ds in the smallest room, but put his wardrobe and toys etc in his brothers bigger room. The oldest girl gets a room of her own and then 3 year old and baby can share. It may mean that the 3 year old and baby have a slightly bigger room than the other kids but this will be the room with the most toys lying about and won't be able to put bunks in either.

Get your DSD a lovely junior bed with bedding she will love. Get a nightlight and make her side of the room cosy and put her toys and bears there for her. Your dp may think she can't sleep with someone else in the room but tough, she's going to have to.

LauderSyme Mon 25-Jul-16 00:08:30

He is being unreasonable. His DD would make the least use of it, therefore it wouldn't be fair if she had a whole room to herself.
Thinking of it sitting empty while your boys are squashed in together is hmmconfused
Your DP has a responsibility to engage with the idea that having separate rooms could promote more harmony between your boys.
He should want to encourage that, not least because their bickering must get wearing for the whole family, and you just won't need it once the baby's born.

Daisygarden Mon 25-Jul-16 00:12:04

Maybe the boys could share one night a week when his DD comes to stay (not ideal I know) if she can't sleep in a room with others in it.

Re baby and DD sharing - that makes sense age and size-wise, but I'm not sure it's mega practical to have a non-room-sharing DD and a little baby in together as they might wake each other up.

Could the boys have their own rooms but share one night a week so DD can stay in the other room by herself? (maybe the younger boys room) with her own pop up bed and nice bedding etc, and maybe keep a toy box of her toys in there? Then she could sleep on her own? I know it would be nice for all of them to have their own bedroom but I don't think having the boys to share permanently with a bedroom going spare 6 nights out of 7 makes sense.

FantasticButtocks Mon 25-Jul-16 00:28:08

smile Good, glad you think so OP - then everyone's a winner and no one's being unreasonable! <NOBU> grin

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