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I thought I was being kind

(71 Posts)
Ninarina Sun 24-Jul-16 21:41:05

Hello all,
I have no one to talk to in RL so need some reassurance pls. My mum passed a few months ago and since then I've been helping my elderly dad. I do all the cooking and cleaning etc and don't go to my own home until I have cleared up after dinner. I have siblings but they are male so their private lives are more important. My dad mentioned taking me on a religious pilgrimage. I inwardly sighed as this is a place where there a huge crowds. My mum went one time and was scared and uncomfortable as my dad- tho he could afford it- paid for v basic accommodation. Females must go with male guardian. I know people say it's extremely spiritual and moving but I'm still grieving for my mum and probably have depression. I made no comment just non committal 'I will see' type thing. The next thing my dad was on phone to my bro calling me a 'non believer.' He's given me special 'blessed' water to drink to get rid of Satan in me. I would laugh but I'm so so hurt. I thought I was being a good daughter. I have started receiving counselling but he says this is wrong and I should pray instead. I just feel overwhelmed with sadness and don't want to see him again. Am I in the wrong? Why does he hate me so much? Thanks for reading

echelon Sun 24-Jul-16 21:48:51


You do sound like a dutiful and kind daughter. Your dad sounds bonkers.


IMurderedStampyLongnose Sun 24-Jul-16 21:49:00

sadYou sound like an amazing daughter,you really do.Please don't let your father treat you like this,go to the counselling.I am so sorry for your lossflowers

LikeIGiveAFrock Sun 24-Jul-16 21:51:18

He doesn't hate you , he is doing what he thinks is right in his world
Don't go , you don't have to be drawn in and yes , you are being kind and a good daughter

NattyTile Sun 24-Jul-16 22:02:58

Your brothers' private lives aren't more important than yours just because they are male. You are every bit as important as they are, and have as much right as they do to a life of your own.

Stick with the counselling. Pray too, if you want to, it's ok to do both.

Be kind to yourself. I'm sure your Mum would want you to take care of yourself too.

MarklahMarklah Sun 24-Jul-16 22:03:52

I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry that your male relatives seem to feel that women are second-class citizens.
I think you should stick with the counselling and stick with helping your Dad if you want to/if he really needs help.
You've been kind and dutiful, you don't deserve rudeness.

Janecc Sun 24-Jul-16 22:22:20

You sound like a lovely person. Don't let yourself get bullied. I cannot imagine your mum would have wanted you to go. So don't go. You are every bit as important as your brothers. And you are being a dutiful daughter - if that is what is important to your father. Your brothers on the other hand are not. If it is so important for him to go, let him take one or both of them.

rubyshoes3 Sun 24-Jul-16 22:26:10

You sound like a wonderful daughter. Maybe your dad thinks this will be the last time he will be able to go to his pilgrimage so he is trying to make you feel guilty into going with him. Why can't one of your brothers go with him?
As he has already been before he does not really need to go again can he not going later when there will be less people.

cdtaylornats Sun 24-Jul-16 22:28:18

Let him miss a couple of meals, tell him you were so hurt you had to seek spiritual advice and it was suggested you stay at home and meditate.

Sunshineonacloudyday Sun 24-Jul-16 22:33:38

I am very sorry for the loss of you're

You're brothers private lives are more important than your's confused. You're life matters you're brothers sound like they can't be bovvered and you as the little woman should do all the work. I believe in god but thats as far as it goes my partners mum is very religious but she is no push over.

If you want to pray then do that. If you want to look after you're dad then just ignore him or try and stick up for yourself explain to him that is what you are doing and thats that. He might be worried that you are going to say something about him. Don't stop counselling for nobody you know why you went to see a counsellor you are vulnerable and you are grieving talking about you're feelings is the best therapy.

hotdiggedy Sun 24-Jul-16 22:34:32

It sounds like you come from a very traditional family. I don't imagine your dad hates you, he is probably just going through an awful lot of stress too. I imagine in his old age and with your mum he is thinking more about the next life and so therefore wants to take you for Hajj/Umrah. Yes, the crowds will be not much fun but not everyone can afford this chance so try to look at it in a positive way, though I agree that there is no point in rushing into it and it needs preparation. Dont they hold classes to prepare you for it?

Can you ask for help from the extended family with your dad? Your brothers need to pull their weight too, its nonsense that they are more important /dont need to help just because they are male. Stand up to them!

Sunshineonacloudyday Sun 24-Jul-16 22:37:44

You could arrange for carers to visit him to give him breakfast, lunch, dinner and medication. You have a family as well and they need you to but you can still manage things from afar with the careers and visit him daily if you want to. The carers could visit him for 15 to 30 minute slots in the day and evening which frees you up.

kateandme Sun 24-Jul-16 22:38:00

your borther lives aren't more important. you ae doing a beautiful thing for your father.
could you need help first order to deal properly with your fathers grief too. you can still be there without doing everything for him.
if your managing to do it then that's fine but not if he or doing it is coming befoe looking after yourself
and on the religious bit satan?pilgimage? ok so everyone believe in thee own beliefs everyone has different ways to get over grief. but to tell you you have badness such as that in you is very don't. your dealing with your own sadness in a way you've found is right for you.that is your right. it isn't agasint god or faith to seek therapy or go to others.
after all if you have found a good counciler then that is one of gods humans so hes put a special gift in them to e able to help you.who knows they could be just a tiny part of doing gods work by helping the sad and vunerable like youself.who the hell knows eh.
but neve mind all that,you can pray and talk to someone.god or faith o anything doesn't anywhere say couciling is wrong.
become whole again hun in the way you can and want to. this is the shittest time on earth losing anyway to find help is perfect.

Topseyt Sun 24-Jul-16 22:40:17

You sound like a very kind daughter. You are doing your best for your Dad whilst grieving for your mother, so flowers to you.

You aren't comfortable with the idea of going on the religious pilgrimage, so I hope you will not be forced to do so. You should go to your counselling sessions instead. You can still pray as well if you want to. The two are not mutually exclusive.

I would not agree that your brothers' private lives are more important than yours. You are no less important than they are just because you are female. I hope that they actually give you some support, though I get the impression from your post that if they do then it isn't much.

Fairenuff Sun 24-Jul-16 22:53:55

What religion is this that requires females to have a male guardian?

Lorelei76 Sun 24-Jul-16 22:58:07

I think it's time you went NC.

Maryz Sun 24-Jul-16 23:02:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

h0neymang0 Sun 24-Jul-16 23:02:48

I've got young kids, 1 with ASD. I have family who keep telling us to go. It's great they have their faith but no1) I can't see how doing a pilgrimage will cure my child. No2) who do they think will look after the kids if we both go?

So I totally get your feelings of being thought of badly just because you don't want to drop everything to go.

doubtfulstepmum Sun 24-Jul-16 23:03:31

Would this be an Islamic religious pilgrimage?

HarryPottersMagicWand Sun 24-Jul-16 23:04:02

Faire Muslim probably.

OP, your brothers are not more important. You are just as important although I am guessing this is not how you have been brought up?

Sorry for the loss of your mum. Are there any other female relatives you can talk to? An Aunt or something? Have you been to the GP about your depression? I would say to your father that it is something you would like to consider in the future, not when you are grieving for your mother.

Udderz Sun 24-Jul-16 23:12:29

Let you brothers do the pilgrimage. Tell them that your dad is keen to do it but that it's a scary place for women and so you are not going. Email them and leave them to sort the issue out. Also tell them that you need them to do a day each each week so that the responsibility is shared and not just on your shoulders.

ExtraHotLatteToGo Sun 24-Jul-16 23:12:59

I'm sorry to hear about your Mum 💐

This is quite difficult for me to answer because your belief system is completely different to mine.

However, trying to take that into account, I would tell your Dad that you won't go because you don't like large crowds. I'm unclear if the trip was for your, his or both of your benefits - but if he still wants to go, one of your brothers can go with him.

I presume your father is unable to cook for himself? I'd probably cook for him a couple of times a week and ensure he has left overs he can have the other days. He can clean up himself.

Tell your brothers that their private lives are not more important than yours any any additional help your father needs is down to them.

Then laugh. I'm sorry, but that's really ALL you can do when someone is offering you blessed water to get rid of Satan. Ignore the bleeting to your brothers (unless you fear for your safety - then involve the police).

I'm sorry, this must feel like a slap in the face after you've been looking after him so well, ungrateful old sod.

CuboidalSlipshoddy Sun 24-Jul-16 23:29:24

I presume your father is unable to cook for himself?

It sounds more likely he won't cook. Unless he is handicapped in some way, he can read a recipe book like anyone else.

Ifonlylovewouldsavetheday Sun 24-Jul-16 23:29:27

Counselling when needed is very important. Sometimes in life it is best or easier not to share with family that you are accessing counseling. This is not a lie, it is more about helping yourself to understand things better without close family members giving unwanted negative opinions. Counselling service providers should not influence you just help you clarify what actions you need to take in order to move on in the most healthy way for you and this should include taking into account that you want to help your father. The whole point of counseling is to get away from all the conflicting opinions that become unsettling in order to focus on what is most important. I wish you very well xx

Ninarina Sun 24-Jul-16 23:30:03

Thanks for taking time to reply. Yes Muslim. My dad is in his 70s but capable of cooking for himself/ driving to shops. He said I should go on the pilgrimage as my mum needs my prayers. He is very religious- always fasting, always at mosque- but he was quite horrible to my mum when she was ill and I feel torn between duty and just anger that he was so mean. He wants me to take her place now and wants someone to control/ bully. I ignored his behaviour as I felt sorry for him but really he is quite manipulative and tells people he is all alone. If they say 'your daughter is with you all day' he says 'no she only comes for a bit'. I didnt care about that. I put up with a lot but calling me a 'possessed non believer' because I gave a non committal answer is too much and shocking to me. It's ok to use me but I deserve zero respect? Actual contempt? My brothers are in their own world and that one bro will have stirred with glee. I wish my mum was here. I miss her so much. She was the only one I could talk to- no family in UK and I can't tell any family abroad as they would prob agree. I feel like I'm going crazy.

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