Overseas wedding

(74 Posts)
morecakepleaseImBritish Sun 24-Jul-16 19:54:49

DH has been at his brother's wedding in Asia. I didn't go as we couldn't afford it. (We have 5 children). I could maybe have taken the baby, but the 3 year old is going through a difficult patch (lots of meltdowns and tantrums) and my gut instinct was that it would not have been fair to leave her and would, most probably have exacerbated jealousy issues and existing clinginess.

DH always assumed that he would be going. Despite the fact it would cost over £1500 and would mean that we would have no money left for any sort of family holiday this summer.

I was never very happy about it and now I am upset because while I have been dealing with hot children, tantruming, squabbling and knee-deep in the detritus and grunge of 5 young kids, as well as been taking various calls from clients for him and sorting out issues, he has been waxing lyrical about how great a time he has been having and how it's all been so interesting. It's a country I've never been to and would love to have gone.

In particular he recorded a video which was supposedly a joke, saying that the new in-laws are threatening to come around to visit at any time so we need to keep the house pristine. Which has grated given that it feels as though I do most of the housework anyway.

I sent him a series of angry texts, about how upset I am that we aren't actually going to get any sort of holiday this year (although he wants us to go and stay at the in laws for a couple of weeks in a remote part of Wales) and how insensitive he has been over this whole trip. He was hoping that I would take him to and from the airport (40 miles away) including a 7am pick up, which would mean getting the kids up at 4am. It would have been a 'loving thing to do' though he gets now it was an unreasonable request.

He claims that the trip wasn't about having fun but about 'family' and that he does his best to put us first most of the time. He cannot believe that I am so upset about him attending his brother's wedding. What I am upset about is his spending at least £1500 on a trip just for him meaning the rest of us miss out and thinking this is perfectly reasonable. I've also been struggling a little bit with depression recently which he knows and being left on my own with all the kids on summer holiday has been hard.

I am upset because he made no attempt to make it up to me in any way and I've even had to remind him that he ought to get something, even if it's cheap sweets from a supermarket, for the children. He just thought that I should suck it up sweetly.

I've been really upset seeing the hashtag of the wedding all over social media and I can't face 2 weeks at my ILs (who are perfectly nice) on best behaviour, listening to how it was all so wonderful. Especially as when the weather is bad there is nothing to do where they live and not even their garden is safe. (It's a smallholding, lots of concealed dew ponds, tractors going up and down etc). I really could not have gone, it felt like it would have been totally unfair on both my 3 year old and my parents for looking after a boisterous 6,5 and 3 year old for week.

AIBU or spoilt for being resentful and feeling our summer is ruined?

morecakepleaseImBritish Sun 24-Jul-16 20:06:07

I should also say, that I've also been upset by the "what a shame you chose not to come" texts. I really felt that I could not and the cost would have been an extra £1000 for flights for me and the baby, which would have been prohibitive.

Am I being churlish? Should I apologise for sending long angry texts. I just absolutely lost it at the comment suggesting I need to keep the house tidier, when I've been fire-fighting for over a week, with no help.

3rdrockfromthesun Sun 24-Jul-16 20:07:57

YANBU. He knew how much it was going to cost for him to go away. Maybe when you are at the in laws he could take you away for the day without the children?

Mouikey Sun 24-Jul-16 20:08:35

I can understand your upset at hubby going away, and he has been insensitive, but it is his brothers wedding so it makes it really difficult to say he shouldn't go. He has been insensitive in a way that men often do when they are carried away in the moment (and women do too!!).

However why it should ruin your entire summer I don't know... You e been offered a trip away, granted its no Asia but it's away and hopefully with your in laws will give you somewhat of a break.

Sitting being grumpy about it won't change the fact that he is away for the wedding - why not plan some fab things to do so you have things to look forward to? They needn't cost the earth, even a picnic in the garden with the kids could be great fun!

Sorry your unhappy, but you can't change the situation and it's something maybe the two of you should have discussed before he went away.

RaeSkywalker Sun 24-Jul-16 20:13:13

Did you tell him how upset you were before he went? I'm just wondering if he didn't anticipate his excitement causing you so much hurt. He should've thought though. Did you discuss the impact on your finances before he booked?

HarryPottersMagicWand Sun 24-Jul-16 20:15:50

YANBU. I had a relative that got married abroad. It would have cost thousands to go, which we don't have, and it was in a place we have no interest in visiting and not child friendly. I probably could have gone by myself but that would have meant DH taking a week off work and telling the DCs, who are old enough to understand and who would have wanted to go, that mummy was sodding off without them. We would have had to forfit a family holiday too. I put my family first, not the people who would have cost me a fortune and chose to have the wedding in a place knowing full well not everyone could afford to go.

morecakepleaseImBritish Sun 24-Jul-16 20:15:53

Mousey, I've been offered 2 weeks staying with my in laws in Llandoui Breffi which is what we usually do anyway. Staying with in-laws, no matter how nice they are, is not really a break or a rest, nor a trip away, which I could really do with as we've had a really busy few years and not had a holiday since 2012.

I had no choice whether or not he went. I did discuss it and was told I was being unreasonable. And he really wants us all to go to his parents in a few weeks when he has some time off, because he feels as though we 'live over the shop' and wants to get away. But because he's spent all the money on the Asia trip, we can't. We have been having fun in the hot weather, but it's not been easy.

morecakepleaseImBritish Sun 24-Jul-16 20:17:43

Yes, we had a big argument a year ago when this came up. And he wasn't budging.

morecakepleaseImBritish Sun 24-Jul-16 20:19:17

And DC do understand that Daddy has gone off on a trip with grandparents and uncles without them. I think seeing the photos on social media and then his video telling me that I need to keep the house pristine, has rubbed my nose in it. Sorry just venting. I may need to name change.

MangosteenSoda Sun 24-Jul-16 20:20:37

A man who chose to have 5 children has a lot of responsibilities and it shouldn't be an easy decision to swan off for a long haul trip, family wedding or not.

Send husband with four older kids to in laws as suggested and chill out with baby. Or even better, head to your parents with baby and let them take charge a bit and give you a break.

MollyTwo Sun 24-Jul-16 20:23:54

I think Yabu in that how can you say you don't have a problem with him going to the wedding it's just the cost, how could he have went if that's what it costs. It's his brother not some random friend. This was discussed a year ago, so why was no savings made as well for a family holiday?

Mouikey Sun 24-Jul-16 20:24:58

So I guess the question has to be whether unreasonable or not what would you like to do?

Sadly you can't change the fact that he has gone, so what can he (or you) do to make things better for the rest of the summer? If you were thinking of spending £1000 on your flight is there no way you could use a small portion to get away for a break?

The £9.50 holidays are currently available and codes are easily accessible - how about that? Not the all inclusive hot summer holiday your possibly after but away just you guys as a family?

morecakepleaseImBritish Sun 24-Jul-16 20:29:38

It wasn't discussed. He assumed as soon as his brother announced it that he was going and that we would find the money from somewhere. It's taken up most of our current savings/cash cushion.

I understand his desire to go and I don't have a problem with him wanting to go to his brother's wedding, I just feel it's been at a massive cost to my sanity and our marriage.

He says I am being unreasonable being upset and angry about it, because it is his brother. But I am upset that the rest of us miss out and at it not being made up to me, that's all. :-(

FabFiveFreddie Sun 24-Jul-16 20:32:27

God YANBU. I would be bloody seething.

He "does his best to put us first most of the time"?? Does his best - does he actually manage it or not? Most of the time - what about the rest of the time?

Would I be correct in assuming that you do in fact put your kids (and him?) first all of the time (because somebody's got to)?

Beyond selfish. He needs to be much more understanding of your life, not ignorantly stuck in his. He chose to have 5 kids, they weren't immaculate conceptions. Yes it was appropriate for him to be at his brother's wedding, wherever it was, but the way he's gone about this is very disrespectful of what you're living. The week itself you could get over, but palming you off with two weeks at his parents' house (never a holiday for the DIL, nearly always a holiday for the DH) instead of something YOU actually want to do is just not on.

Makes me so angry for you can you tell I have similar issues with my DH?

morecakepleaseImBritish Sun 24-Jul-16 20:32:53

What are the £9.50 holidays?

He really wants to go to his parents, because they are in their seventies and we don't get to see them that often. He wouldn't be interested in any sort of a package deal for sea and sand. He'd rather veg at his parents, reading books and putting the world to rights, while I manage the kids.

WottyMcWottFace Sun 24-Jul-16 20:33:43

YANBU Id be fuming ....
"He claims that the trip wasn't about having fun but about 'family' "
You are his family .... He should look closer to home and stop being so bloody selfish!

Mouikey Sun 24-Jul-16 20:36:24

Have his parents gone to the wedding? If so he would have recently seen them surely? £9.50 holidays in The Sun - you can find the codes online, they are to UK (and some overseas) holiday parks. Even if you just stay in the complex and use the pools and evening entertainment it would be a change.

Spotsandstars Sun 24-Jul-16 20:36:52

Yanbu my hubby would never dream of doing that no matter how close the relative was! What a selfish man!!!!! Not just leaving you with the kids whilst going so far away but depriving the children of holiday time altogether. I'm appalled that he went!

MargaretCavendish Sun 24-Jul-16 20:40:51

To go against the tide... I actually think you're being pretty unreasonable. It's his brother, I can see why he felt he had to go no matter what. I can't imagine missing my brother's wedding. If he'd missed mine it would have cast a shadow over the whole day.

You sound like you'd have been happier if he'd gone and not enjoyed himself. I also think you're reading a lot into his off-the-cuff video message. It was maybe a little thoughtless, but you're acting like it was calculated to hurt you and I really doubt that was the case.

RaeSkywalker Sun 24-Jul-16 20:41:26

I'd be very upset then, if you told him you were upset but it wasn't even up for debate. I don't think you're BU at all.

morecakepleaseImBritish Sun 24-Jul-16 20:41:38

His mum went - his dad didn't want to. He has anxiety/social phobias and the whole idea appalled/terrified him in equal measure. Which is part of the reason that DH felt that he should go because he guessed his dad wouldn't and it felt it important to support his brother. (He is one of 4 children)

I will look out for those offers, thanks - I think the children would really enjoy the swimming pools etc, although I suspect DH would turn his nose up. Tough.

CalleighDoodle Sun 24-Jul-16 20:44:25

He sounds a selfish husband and a lazy parent.

morecakepleaseImBritish Sun 24-Jul-16 20:46:17

Margaret - I would have been fine had he gone and actually acknowledged that he was putting a massive burden on my shoulders and made some attempt to make up for it.

I was fine, until he sent me a video message, and given that I had spent the days doing a massive deep clean of the house, mostly clearing up his shite, being told I needed to ensure the house was immaculate, in case some new relatives I've never met, make an off the cuff visit, made me lose it. As did his entreaties about how we need to get our lives in order so that he can keep in contact with his brother better, as well as his friends, because he knows I have been feeling isolated recently. So there's probably a bit more to it. I should have posted this in relationships, I think.

MargaretCavendish Sun 24-Jul-16 20:52:42

It's not that I don't understand why you're upset, but I do think you might be reacting disproportionately. I've had depression (I guess, really, I have depression as it's been intermittent, but I'm currently much better than I've been for years) and I found it made me see all comments at secret digs at me, and to really personalise anything that went wrong. One of my counsellors said that depression makes you into a sort of narcissist, where you feel everything bad is about you (and, often, that it's your fault) and that resonated with me. I'm not saying that your husband has behaved perfectly, but I do wonder how much this is really 'about' him.

Boysnme Sun 24-Jul-16 20:57:10

It's a tough one to say what's right and wrong in this as I would want my husband to go to his brothers wedding and equally I would want them at ours. The difference here is that it was so far away and cost so much money. It's unreasonable to expect anyone to spend that amount to go to anyone's wedding and people getting married overseas should have to realise that, and expect some people however close won't be able to make it.

I think now though isn't about him going, but about the way he has behaved and made you feel. You need to make it clear to him when you are in Wales that this is your only break after he has swanned off on his own and he needs to do more than just help with the kids.

Good luck with the rest of the summer flowers

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