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To be upset over DHs lack of support over traumatic miscarriage

(26 Posts)
Snowflakes1122 Sat 23-Jul-16 18:10:54

Not sure if I am BU here.

I lost our much wanted baby at 13 weeks 8 days ago. Stopped growing at 11 weeks. Me and DH cried. He took a couple of days off work to be with me.

Then I had to go into hospital as it was a missed miscarriage with no bleeding.

I had medical management, passed my baby and saw it, then things went horribly wrong. I lost lots of blood very fast and went into hypovolemic shock and kept losing consciousness. Room filled with 8/9 medics. Got pretty serious. I was rushed down to theatre for an emergency d&c. My HB levels dropped to 4, and I had lost 2 1/2 litres of blood. DH had obviously been crying when I came back up to the ward.
Had to stay in hospital and be put on a drip. Luckily my HB levels came just above the transfusion levels when they retested and I got to go home with iron tablets 2 days later. I'm very anaemic and weak.

Anyway, DH was there and saw all this (happened on a Friday) and he went into work as usual on the Monday. His auntie (a nurse) came over to help me with kids.
But I was really upset he didn't take the day off.
Doctors had told him how serious it had been, and I would need to rest for two weeks.
I'm still traumatised and keep going over the event in my head.
His mum has been up for this last week helping whilst he was at work and I don't know what I'd of done without her.

He has some office politics going in right now-someone in his team is being a nightmare (sounds a horrible work situation I admit) and all he had done this week is whinge about this guy. And I'm so pissed he isn't upset over our loss or nearly losing me yet pouring so much energy into this work shit and being so vocal about it.

I blew my top today and got mad over it all, and it ended in an argument. He got all flippant and told me he'd never talk to me over work issues again then, After I told him I felt let down and angry. I ended up in tears telling him how devastated I am, and he still showed no emotion.

Why isn't he upset? I am very emotional and devastated right now. Hormones are probably all over the place so, Am I being unreasonable? I am so upset, I feel like he can't love me or care being so detached.

He is a great father and dh usually, but this is where I need him to step up :-(

branofthemist Sat 23-Jul-16 18:26:27

I am sorry for your loss. flowers

However, how do you know he isn't upset?

I broke down in absolute tears today over losing my grandad in a fairly traumatic way. It was nearly three weeks ago. At the time I was fine, worked, then went to the hospital and sat while his body shut down. Got up in the middle of the night when grandad passed. I never missed work. I worried about everyday things. I supported mum and my aunties.

All the while I was fine and handling it great. Except it turns out I am not. The last few days have been awful. Every Time I think of grandad in that bed I am filled with horror and panic. I am devastated.

I don't know if was shock or that I felt I needed to be there for everyone else and carry on as normal for the kids, but I thought I was fine.

I didn't mean I didn't care. Or wasn't bothered. In the kindest way, being emotional when you are upset is not the way everyone does it. It may be a delayed reaction, he may feel he needs to just carry on as normal for your other child/ren and for himself.

I think you need to be kind to each other and be there for each other. When you deal with grief differently, it's hard. He needs to listen to you, but you need to also accept he may grieve in a different way.

PotteringAlong Sat 23-Jul-16 18:28:22

I think he is upset and he's dealing with work as the one thing he can actually control and make better.

tibbawyrots Sat 23-Jul-16 18:52:02

So very sorry 💐

I agree with a pp that your DH is focussing on one thing he has in his control. It's not that he doesn't care but it's his way of coping.

Out2pasture Sat 23-Jul-16 18:59:04

the men I've known in my life deal with stress by working extra hard.
that and again the ones I know tend to not be attached to the pregnancy till well after the birth.
he arranged for family to be with you, that speaks volumes.

LolaStarr Sat 23-Jul-16 19:08:20

Agree with PPs, it sounds like his way of dealing with it is focusing on work to take his mind off it. So so sorry for your loss flowers

Flamingo1980 Sat 23-Jul-16 19:08:51

Astonishingly selfish and uncaring behaviour from him in your hour of need. Inexcusable don't stand for it and don't think you deserve it or it's acceptable as it isn't.

londonrach Sat 23-Jul-16 19:39:20

Sorry for your loss. Do agree that this sounds like his way of coping. Have you spoken to him about this. Does sound like hes struggling as much as you. 💐💐💐💐💐

mirime Sat 23-Jul-16 20:50:31

I know of people who have, for example, seen a loved be in a serious accident and who have then come into work immediately. I think sometimes you just automatically do what you would normally do, almost without realising it. It's like a different bit of your brain takes over to keep you functioning.

bumbleymummy Sat 23-Jul-16 21:02:19

thanks I'm so sorry for your loss and the trauma you've been through. sad I had recurrent miscarriages and DH and I dealt with it in very different ways. Sometimes I would be very practical and just get on with what I needed to do and kind of 'switch' off and other times I was just completely floored. You may find that your DH will be the same. Maybe try to have a chat again about how hard you're finding it? Is there someone else you could speak to as well? I was given phone numbers for support groups.

Nanny0gg Sat 23-Jul-16 21:15:17

I think it's his way of coping but I'm a bit shock that he didn't take time off to look after you as you need to rest.

So sorry for your loss flowers

RubbleBubble00 Sat 23-Jul-16 21:28:43

He's probably not coping. He's probably terrified and pushing it all doen and trying t carry on as normal

MotherFuckingChainsaw Sat 23-Jul-16 21:46:17

I don't think it is just a male coping mechanism

I did similar after a horrific bereavement. I threw myself into my degree course, totally aced the next set of exams. Then the wheels came off.

Everyone grieves differently

10storeylovesong Sat 23-Jul-16 22:02:33

I agree that it is not just a male coping mechanism. I had my ds 13 weeks prem, traumatic birth where I lost a lot of blood and ds was rushed off to NICU where I didn't know where he was alive or dead. I sat and chatted to the nurses as if nothing bad had happened. I was clearly in shock and reverted back to how I would usually act. It only actually hit me about 9-10 months later how close I was to losing him.

I deal with everything scary / upsetting / traumatic in my life in the same, practical way until I break down. It drives dh mad as he walks on eggshells until the breaking point, which is usually caused over something unrelated and trivial.

Mysterycat23 Sat 23-Jul-16 22:23:43

Is his work putting pressure on him not to take any more days off? Especially if there is stuff going on at work?

Champagneformyrealfriends Sat 23-Jul-16 22:28:25

Nothing to say but I am so so so sorry for your loss. You gave my lve and best wishes-be kind to yourself. ❤️

Champagneformyrealfriends Sat 23-Jul-16 22:28:39

Have my love *

Aspergallus Sat 23-Jul-16 22:31:37

People are allowed to express their emotions in their own way. He might not be meeting your expectations for how things should be expressed/dealt with but that doesn't mean he's not feeling it. When things are a bit calmer perhaps you can both talk things through.

Salmotrutta Sat 23-Jul-16 22:40:25

My DH throws himself into being busy at work and at home when there are stressful and upsetting things going on - he once said to me (during a pretty stressful time) "I just work to exhaustion so I can sleep and shut it all out".

He said this after I had been trying to talk to him about stuff - he just can't "do" talking things through. This stems from his childhood.

Farmmummy Sat 23-Jul-16 22:55:17

I am so so sorry for what you went through I went through something very similar at 13.5 weeks (lost the second of our twins first hb stopped 10 weeks) and had to have emergency surgery and a transfusion so I know how crappy you feel physically and trying to process your loss and grieve. My DH admitted about 2 months after how terrified he had been of losing me on top of the babies but felt he had to be "the strong one" as he hadn't carried them or given birth to them or almost died it was almost as though if he admitted he was hurting he was scared he was scared he didn't have the right. (Strange male logic I suppose) however he showed he cared by looking after me as I was very physically ill and also trying to juggle the farm and dd1 (dd only then) and arranging for my DM to help a bit too, but we are lucky that work and home are the same place although he was in and out. As bran says be kind to each other it may come out later how he really feels flowers

hazeimcgee Sun 24-Jul-16 00:33:30

I'm so sorry for your loss honey. I can understand why it's upsetting you how you oh is acting but if this is unisual behaviour for him maybe its just his way of coping. Men can be crap at dealing with stuff they can't control. This isn't something he xould prevent or protect you from and he may well be struggling with feeling of helplessness.
Could you consider joint bereavement counselling? Of if MIL is up ask her to talk to him about how he's doing?
May also not want to break down to you re baby as you have enough to deal with

Lots of love xx

Snowflakes1122 Sun 24-Jul-16 07:06:36

Thank you so much for the replies.

I think there is something in it that he is throwing himself into work to distract himself. He actually told me this after we talked again. I also think I am finding that hard because it makes me feel alone in this.

I've being an utter cow bag towards DH yesterday. I'm so angry and emotional, which is very much unlike me.
I had been coping so well (perhaps too well) then yesterday it hit me like a ton bricks. I wasn't prepared.

I will definitely get in touch with my GP about seeing someone.

LuchiMangsho Sun 24-Jul-16 07:18:13

My sympathies. I lost a baby at 15 weeks last year in quite similar circumstances. DH was going through a terrible time at work, pressure wise. He is also a medic. So on the one hand he wasn't worried about the medical stuff but on the other he was emotionally broken. MIL and BIL took turns to look after me and the kids over the next week as I recovered. I thought DH was more detached than I was (I was a mess) but I have known him for 15 years since I was 18 and I know he was broken inside. Is there someone to look after you? I actually found having DH around a constant reminder and having people around who weren't talking about the miscarriage or whose face it wasn't constantly reflected in, much easier to deal with. I also went back to work on day 9 and most people knew, a couple silently dropped by with a big slice of cake but otherwise left me to it, which I found easier to deal with it. So I guess in a way, each to their own.

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow Sun 24-Jul-16 07:23:22

I just wanted to say that whilst your DH obviously has his reasons for reacting in this way it must be really hard for you when all you want is some emotional support from the person who loves you.

I can't imagine the trauma you've been through flowers

branofthemist Sun 24-Jul-16 07:32:43

I had been coping so well (perhaps too well) then yesterday it hit me like a ton bricks. I wasn't prepared.

this is exactly how I felt and I said the same to dh last night.

I think our brains just take over.

He should support you. Talk to you etc. He definitely needs to support your grieving, the way you are doing it. It works both ways.

Grieving to difficult because we all do it so differently. it's hard to see loved one grieving, when we are grieving and all handling differently.

It's so hard and I am so sorry you are going through this.

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