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To not want my ex in my house or garden despite DD wanting to show him around

(53 Posts)
Natsku Sat 23-Jul-16 09:43:46

He has come to pick her up for his day visit with her, arrived about 20 minutes ago and still hasn't bloody left. They've been in the backgarden (walked around the houses to get there), came inside as DD wanted to fill up her watering can to water a flower she found and he was looking into rooms, and now I can still hear them in the porch.

I want to tell him to just leave now but I don't want to piss him off as I've asked him to take her to a children's festival today that she really wants to go to and there's a good chance he just wouldn't take her if he is angry at me and then she'll miss out. But its not unreasonable surely to expect him to pick up at the front door and then leave my property, right?!?!

spankhurst Sat 23-Jul-16 09:47:48

I think unless he was abusive in some way and you feel threatened by his presence , your DD needs to show her daddy her home. I'd like to see my child's living arrangements if we lived apart. Has he not seen the house before?

dwinnol Sat 23-Jul-16 09:48:02

I don't allow my ex-h into the house. He waits in the car and DS goes out to him. I guess others might say it's nice for your DD to share her home with her daddy but to me it's an invasion of my privacy. I've never been to his new home.

Pearlman Sat 23-Jul-16 09:49:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thisisafakename Sat 23-Jul-16 09:49:28

Is there a history of DV or abuse here?

dwinnol Sat 23-Jul-16 09:51:46

Is he making an effort to have a quick look around at the things DD wants to show him and go or does it feel like he's wanting to drag it out?

Natsku Sat 23-Jul-16 09:52:15

He was abusive (but emotionally, psychologically etc. not so much physically so I don't fear he's going to attack me or anything), and he has seen the house before and refused to leave sometimes. DD tried to show him into my bedroom (bedrooms at the front in my house, bungalow) but I stopped that (by telling DD its not allowed) but he didn't say anything to discourage her.

CecilyP Sat 23-Jul-16 09:52:23

I would leave it for now especially if they will be leaving quite soon. However I would not want it to be a regular thing.

doing Sat 23-Jul-16 09:52:47

I wouldn't like it.

I'd plaster on a grin for DD and after five minutes start ushering him out of the door.

It's your private space, he should respect that.

atomsatdawn Sat 23-Jul-16 09:54:15

Yanbu. I would hate this. My house is my safe place. Exh was similary emotionally abusive. I wouldn't like it either. .
I would suck up her showing him house once and her room but no more.

Natsku Sat 23-Jul-16 09:54:29

He's really not making an effort to leave, they've left the house a couple of times but then he lets her bring him back in again (to fill watergun)

thisisafakename Sat 23-Jul-16 09:58:15

Yeah, I think you need to have a word with him. He needs to be firm with your DD and say that he is sorry but hasn't got time to have a look round. If he was controlling in the past, I am guessing he is loving this. Be clear with him and say that he can bring her to the front door (if you're OK with that) but no further.

dwinnol Sat 23-Jul-16 09:58:16

He's trying to dominate you.
I would try to move them along politely for now but next time tell DD that there's no need to for dad to come in every time and they are losing time to go out and do the fun stuff and have her ready with her coat shoes and bag on the doorstep next visit so she can go straight out to him.

spongebob5 Sat 23-Jul-16 10:00:32

How old is your dd? I think if she s old enough then you can explain to her that next time her dad comes to pick her up , she can walk out to his car . When my xh picked my children up he would wait in the car outside for them - they were 7&12 at the time. There is no need for him to be coming into your house, especially given the history. Or he comes to the door & you are there with your dd, ready to go.

Natsku Sat 23-Jul-16 10:06:27

She's 5. Next time I think I'll wait outside the front door with her, and then say goodbye and go back in and lock the door. Just locked the door now that they're outside again and can hear him talking to the neighbourhood children.

Ditsy4 Sat 23-Jul-16 10:11:23

Remind her that she doesn't want to miss time at the special venue.

Natsku Sat 23-Jul-16 10:14:28

Just did Ditsy as she rang the doorbell asking for something again and I told its time to leave now or she'll miss out on the fun stuff and told her that I'm going out now so can't answer the door any more.

Beeziekn33ze Sat 23-Jul-16 10:15:57

Next time be ready to go out yourself too. Open door, give DD and her bag to ex, step out with you own bag, car keys and lock door behind you. You're in a rush to get to your imaginary appointment!
Walk or drive to shop, cafe, library, wherever.

Lweji Sat 23-Jul-16 10:16:18

You could tell from the OP he was abusive.
A normal parent would at best agree to see dd's room and leave ASAP, unless he had to talk to the mother.

I'd make it very clear to both that he's not to enter and will just collect.

I'd bet she's showing him around because he's been asking questions and he's keeping her there effectively.

Beeziekn33ze Sat 23-Jul-16 10:17:31

Cross post - you had already thought of that one! In colder weather you can be all ready with woolly hat, umbrella, whatever!

Natsku Sat 23-Jul-16 10:21:58

Yeah next time I'll go out as well straight away so there's no chance of them coming in Beezie Can just go on my bike and hunt pokemon grin

BlueberrySky Sat 23-Jul-16 10:24:11

My ex used to do this. He helped me move in so felt he could come over when he felt like it. I came home from work to find him in DS's room playing on the playstation with him.

I asked him not to come into my house any more, he got a bit stroppy and them stopped. Made a bit of a show of refusing to step over the threshold again.

Now I have remarried and moved again, he will not even step onto the path now.

Talk to him at another time, just say that this is your home and you do not want him coming in the house when he picks up DD.

MrsJayy Sat 23-Jul-16 10:25:53

That sounds tough you dont need to be uncomfy in your own house he needs to pick her up and leave your idea of waiting at the door is a good 1 next time you say to your Dd ooo Daddy is here chivvy her along to leave say no daddy doesnt come into mummys house but quick get your things and get her to the door,

doing Sat 23-Jul-16 10:27:03

It's a dominance thing.

Your DD is young enough to be a bit oblivious, so I would make it clear to him (by actions, not words) that you are not available for any toing and froing.

LooseBerry Sat 23-Jul-16 10:30:00

YANBU. I made it clear from outset with my ex he should wait in the car or ring the bell and I'll bring the kids out. I didn't have to include the children in the conversation and now it's fine as it's just the way we do it.
My home is my safe space and I see no reason my ex would need to come in.

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