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Regarding MIL having DS

(90 Posts)
KiwiLaura Fri 22-Jul-16 09:54:11

DS is 22 months, MIL has always had a strained relationship with DH (he had a terrible childhood) and they are distant. MIL has always been controlling (demanding he does _ and _, laying on immense guilt, telling him she was ashamed of him for sending a relative a card one day late/sending a card from funkypigeon and not one bought in a shop/buying his grandmother posh chocolates for christmas as this wasn't a suitable gift, etc etc etc) prior to us having DS so I guess I expected some of this behaviour was to come.

Ever since DS was born MIL was pushing to have him on her own (as early as 2 months old - "well you have to leave him some time!!") but DS has always been nervous of her. She tends to be very pushy and forceful, always shunting him onto the next activity when he might want to just be left alone to play with the toy he currently has, "come on DS, let's do this now!" and basically pulling him about - no asking or encouraging, just picking him up and moving him along. She also seems to demand/expect him to give her kisses, affection, love her etc and is very dramatic ("he doesn't like me!") when he won't.

In the past 6 months or so I've started letting MIL (and her partner of 3 years who she insists we make DS call 'granddad') have him on her own at her house for a few hours. The problem is he NEVER wants to go and whenever he sees her (or her partner) he runs away screaming and tries to hide. It's to the point where I have to pretend I'm going in the car to their house too so that he'll let me put him in the car seat. MIL is obviously very upset about this but tries to reassure me constantly that as soon as they get there he's absolutely fine, never cries, etc. When I pick him up he has very visible tear stains on his face but I'm told he hasn't cried at all. He also cries with relief when he sees me and runs to me and won't leave my side until we go.

This alone is bad enough but now she's pushing us to let her partner have him on his own. No offence, but although we have fallen into this trap of calling him 'granddad' to DS ((part of my hesitance is because MIL has a long track record of getting bored in relationships and has had many, many partners)) I don't really regard him as anyone other than MIL's partner and I feel uncomfortable with him watching my son on his own. I don't really know him that well and.. What's the point? I agreed to let MIL's partner pick him up yesterday because he had his twin DSes (8 years old) with him and DS does like playing with them (MIL was at work but did come back, it worked out to about 2 hours DS was on his own with MIL's partner and his 2 DSes), but I'm worried because I've agreed to that that MIL will insist her partner has DS all the time from now on.

Sorry, this is all a bit rambly isn't it. Basically, I am at a point where I don't really want to do this anymore. The "handover" is always really shitty for me and I feel guilty for making DS stay with them when he clearly doesn't want to. But they make me feel like it's completely normal for DS to act this way and it's perfectly right he should stay with them, how else are they going to bond and form a relationship with DS blah blah blah (coming and spending time with him at our house when I'm there is not good enough apparently). Should I continue forcing DS to go to their house and if so, should I relent and agree that MIL's partner should be allowed to have DS on his own?

KiwiLaura Fri 22-Jul-16 09:55:50

And just to add to my annoyance.. He's come back with very bad sunburn on his face today, even though I slathered him up before he went and gave them suncream!

Twooter Fri 22-Jul-16 09:57:13

I don't see what you, your dh or your ds will gain from forcing him to with her or her partner at all.

Noctilucent Fri 22-Jul-16 09:57:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

humblesims Fri 22-Jul-16 09:58:15

No, you should not do things you are not comfortable with. At his age (or any age) there is no reason at all why they should insist on having him alone. Trust your instincts.

Nanny0gg Fri 22-Jul-16 09:58:39

You stop it and you stop it now.

Why should he have to be distressed just so his grandparents could have him?

I'd be devastated if my DGCs felt like that. There is no reason for this relationship. Grandparents aren't the be-all and end-all and he won't be scarred to not have them in his life.

MoMandaS Fri 22-Jul-16 09:59:55

No and no. You're not comfortable with it; your DS doesn't like it. You don't know the partner very well. It's not normal behaviour for someone to insist on what happens with your child and his care. I say this as someone with a controlling (or tries to be), narcissistic MIL who did many of the strange things you've mentioned (forcing on to different activities, demanding affection etc.). The relationship between her and your DS is all about her and her needs. She doesn't have his best interests at heart. What does your Dh say?

MoMandaS Fri 22-Jul-16 10:03:22

Sunburn says it all. They're not focusing on him. My DS used to be left in dirty (pooey) nappy because they didn't want to do anything that took any effort. If they want a relationship, they can form one under your supervision, then maybe when DS is older he might want to be left with them. At the moment, he doesn't.

KiwiLaura Fri 22-Jul-16 10:08:57

DH prefers to keep quiet (he never answers her phonecalls and will just text instead, as she's normally ringing up to have a go about something anyway) but feels he should see her, as it's not fair because he sees my DM all the time. By comparison, DS absolutely can't wait to see my DM and is always excited and happy when she visits or has him, but my DM is the opposite of MIL.

This is something MIL will point out as well. ("well, YOUR DM has him, it's not fair!")

I don't know what DH would be like if he was the one that had to do the "handover". He has always sort of given in to MIL his whole life so I expect he'd hate doing it but would still do so.

NickiFury Fri 22-Jul-16 10:12:29

There's not a chance in hell I would be allowing this and never would have in the first place. It's completely fine to stop it, no need for complicated discussions either. It's stopping and that's it.

PoisonWitch Fri 22-Jul-16 10:14:42

Fuck her. Ask your DP if he wants DS to suffer like he did as a child.

Ihatechoosingnames Fri 22-Jul-16 10:17:11

They can still have a relationship but your DS isn't happy going there then just stop him going or you go with him. He's still a baby and if he's upset just stop it.

Ilovenannyplum Fri 22-Jul-16 10:21:13

I'd stop letting him go. If he's obviously unhappy being left there and you don't feel comfortable leaving him then don't.

DH needs to talk to her

CuboidalSlipshoddy Fri 22-Jul-16 10:24:13

Basically, I am at a point where I don't really want to do this anymore.

So don't. Say why to your husband, to whom it presumably won't come as a surprise, and stop doing it. You appear to be putting "having a slightly awkward discussion with your husband" and "the interests of a woman who is little to you and a man who is nothing to you" ahead of those of your child. Put your child first.

FurryGiraffe Fri 22-Jul-16 10:24:22

Stop it now. He's clearly unhappy there and you have legitimate concerns about the level of care they provide.

Children don't need to spend time in grandparents' sole care to develop a close relationship. In fact I'd say the opposite- they don't spend time in their sole care until they have a close relationship! Or at least close enough to feel comfortable and secure. He's not a toy who the grandparents have to 'share' equally. He's a child and his needs should come first. If he's happy with DM but not MIL then so be it. We left DS1 with my DM much earlier than we did with MIL, because MiL lives much further away, sees him infrequently and so took longer to build a close bond. It's not about being unfair to GPs - it's being fair to the child.

BuunyChops Fri 22-Jul-16 10:26:31

You don't say how your DH feels about this only that he and MIL are distant.

Sorry if I sound harsh here: you say that your DH had a terrible childhood, why are you (as in you and DH) allowing history to repeat itself? She is bullying you and your child; he is gaining nothing but anxiety from this relationship and now they've allowed him to be physically injured.

I'm not blaming you please don't think I am but I wonder if you've fallen in to the reasonable vs unreasonable trap. You are a reasonable person and behave so and expect others to do the same....reason is based on known 'facts' so, if in your world/your experiences are that parents & grandparents are loving caring creatures who want to spend time with thier children and GCs so as to develop a caring mutually beneficial relationship all of them are like that.
Logically you know that not all are like that but it's somehow engrained.

Now you're in a situation where if you step back and look dispassionately you can see there is no caring mutually beneficial relationship being grown between your MIL and DS.
She want to control him in the same way she did your DH. She wants to control you.

But there's a voice in your head going Nooo ALL Grandma's are lovely and caring so even when seeing the evidence in front of you you're questioning your reactions rather than her actions.
Because you expect her to be reasonable. (Also known as you can argue with batshit...)

Sorry if this is a bit rambly, but look at your son, ask yourself honestly what is he gaining from this?

SestraClone Fri 22-Jul-16 10:44:56

Please stop forcing your DS into this situation where he is so unhappy sad

Oldraver Fri 22-Jul-16 10:47:40

Please please listen to your little boy and protect him. He, for whatever reason is not happy going off on his own. Your MIL can visit and maybe they will be able to have a relationship where he is happy to go with her doubt it

diddl Fri 22-Jul-16 10:49:36

So your husband can't face her but expects his child to??

He's also not a toy to be shared equally!

Protect him from her, don't subject him to her!

ExtraHotLatteToGo Fri 22-Jul-16 10:53:19

Jesus wept love. Stop it. Your DS is upset (possibly scared) and you are making him go through that when he doesn't have to, all the appease some stupid selfish woman? Why? You are losing your sons trust everytime you fool him into going there. Just stop it.

Your DH can appease his mother all he bloody well likes, but not with your child.

Your bloody awful MIL can visit you occasionally (at a pre arranged time that suits you) but everytime she upsets DS get her told. Pick him up, comfort him and tell her not to do X.

If either she ir your wet DH say anything about your Mum & the time she deoends with DS just tell them it's because she's kind & gentle with him, not over bearing and therefore he feels safe & happy with her. Be blunt without name calling.

Awful bloody woman!

happypoobum Fri 22-Jul-16 10:58:13

Are you seriously still set on handing your child over to someone when he is clearly incredibly distressed and has been crying when you collect him? And you know he is happy to go to other people, but not PILS.

Never mind what is wrong with MIL - what is wrong with you? Your poor son.

Nanny0gg Fri 22-Jul-16 11:31:00

but feels he should see her, as it's not fair because he sees my DM all the time.
<bangs head against desk>

It's nothing to do with fair! What's the matter with the man? He had a shit childhood, but it's fair to inflict that on his son?

I despair.

SeaCabbage Fri 22-Jul-16 12:00:00

Your poor son. That is so sad. Who is more important? Your son or your nasty MIL?

Please listen to every poster on here and stop this at once. It is child cruelty - sorry but it is.

I don' teven know if he should see the woman while you are there but never again on his own.

IWillTalkToYouLater Fri 22-Jul-16 12:08:09

You stop this now. What are any of your gaining from this set up? Even if she declares it 'not fair' on her - so what? It is not fair on the rest of you either, so it's not fair, now what...?

Pimmmms Fri 22-Jul-16 12:10:33

Your DH won't even talk to his mother on the phone, yet he expects his son to go there on his own for a few hours evey week? What a chicken shit excuse for a father. Stop making your son suffer for the sake of your DH having a quieter life!!!

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