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To wonder if my marriage is on shaky ground

(74 Posts)
BoBramble Fri 22-Jul-16 08:50:41

DH and I are sharing a home, and that's about it. No intimacy for a long while, not sure I like him anymore. His job is senior management and I've supported him throughout his career for the last 15 years. In that time I've had 2 babies, returned to Uni, retrained and now work full time in a demanding job. My parents pick up the slack with the DC - I frankly couldn't work without the support of my parents. DH doesn't feature much in their lives apart from coaching them for their national tests and even then, it pains me to hear it. He shouts, bullies them, doesn't give them thinking time. I hate it. He's disappointed in this years results and has vowed to coach them even more - that's another thread in itself. sad

I'm not sure I want this path any more. I see folk around me happy and working as a team and my heart yearns for some contentment.

DH is pretty obsessive about having the perfect home so my DC's childhood has been (I feel) tainted by his nagging and bullying to be tidy. He doesn't get involved in trips and days out and DC's activities but instead stays home and potters. When we get home (like yesterday, tired after a full day out) he shouts at us for walking on his clean floors, naga constantly about the clutter (our house isn't clutter-free by any means but it's fine - work in progress) and despite the DC being wrecked (we walked miles and miles during the day) he insisted that they start a big cleaning process. They're 10 and 7 and were in tears with fatigue.

I made dinner (he never does) and then collapsed as the girls went to bed, only for him to start nagging that the house was tidy until I came
Home. Never mind that I always get up early to tidy up, start the day, do my chores without complaint not the need to advertise what I do. I think I'm never comfortable in my own home, never relaxed.

I'm sorry for the epic - I needed someone to talk to and I may not even return to this thread after this initial offload. I'm just really unhappy and tired of it all.

Today, DC are staying overnight and I made an attempt to book an overnight hotel in the city for a night out but he said no. I then said that we can go for a walk and call for food somewhere but No, he has things to do. He has vanished to the gym. I don't want to split my family up but I'm not sure I can continue for much longer. My friends regularly get quality time with their husbands and I'm ashamed to admit I'm really, really jealous. sad

BoBramble Fri 22-Jul-16 08:52:33

*collapsed into bed, not collapsed in the 'ill' sense.

AnyFucker Fri 22-Jul-16 08:55:00

How miserable

He sounds like a tinpot dictator. I would not stand by while he bullied my children and made them feel like an inconvenience in their own home

I would end it and find contentment elsewhere

Birdsgottafly Fri 22-Jul-16 08:57:17

What 'Family' are you splitting up? You haven't described family life. The only way that you'd be splitting up the family was if you left your DDs.

If you stay then this is going to destroy them as people. They'll resent the pair of you.

When they grow up and choose not to subject themselves to your DHs cruelty, but also resent you for staying and keeping them in that situation, what will you do?

SusanDelfino Fri 22-Jul-16 08:57:18

That sounds awful and is no way to live for you and your beautiful children. I think you'd be so much happier without him. I left my H this year too and we weren't this extreme but I am so much better now.

Topseyt Fri 22-Jul-16 08:59:30

He sounds like an arse.

Notthebumtroll Fri 22-Jul-16 08:59:54

Your marriage is not 'on the rocks' you are in an absuive relationship and you need to leave. That's what your girls will want- trust me. I had a difficult father as a child, no where near as bad as your husband is but myself and Dsis wanted our DM to leave him.

AnyFucker Fri 22-Jul-16 09:00:02

Oh, and I wouldn't use the word "marriage" to describe your situation.

n0ne Fri 22-Jul-16 09:01:44

What on earth are you getting out of this relationship? It sounds like torture, for you and your DCs. Life is too short to put up with that crap, you deserve some happiness.

Sorry, but LTB flowers

TheCrumpettyTree Fri 22-Jul-16 09:13:46

Do you not think your children would be happier without a bully for a father shouting at them everyday?

BoBramble Fri 22-Jul-16 09:18:35

I've thought several times about leaving but the thought of him having time with them to 'coach' them when I'm not around fills me with dread. At least when I'm here, I make sure that I challenge him. I never used to you but I'm standing up to him more and more and he hates it.

WhatsGoingOnEh Fri 22-Jul-16 09:25:38

My first marriage was like this. Eggshells, tension, stress. It was sooooooooooooo lovely when he left. I finally felt my life was back to being the LOVELY life it'd been until I met him.

He'd probably only see the DC for a couple of nights every other weekend, so maybe 2 nights out of every 14? It doesn't sound like he'd fight for shared custody. Doesn't sound like he wants to be with them much. So I wouldn't stay just because of that.

Have you got to the stage yet, when you find yourself daydreaming about your DH dying, because that would be a relief, and a non-guilty way for you to have left him?

Mouikey Fri 22-Jul-16 09:26:16

I'm going to take a slightly different track here, and not suggest that your first step is to LTB.

You've suggested that you are jealous of others relationships and want more of what they have. The first question is do you want that with your OH? If so, then there is something to work on.

Sounds from your post that he is actually quite fed up with the situation too, and he can't deal with it; hence the bullying of the kids (probably for another discussion), not wanting to spend time with you and declining even a simple meal. You both need to sit down and have a discussion about what you want and if you can get things on track with your relationship. If you both want to move things in a positive direction maybe look at getting some counselling as a couple. He has reverted to the sterotypical 1950's alpha male with limited involvement, whilst you are trying to be a SAHM whilst working and looking after the kids... there isn't enough time in the day to realistically achieve all of this, so his expectations need to change, and you need to stop trying to achieve them all.

I'm sorry to hear that things are pants at the moment, marriages go up and down like a rollercoaster. I'm not saying don't leave him, but there is clearly more to this and another side to the story.

Laiste Fri 22-Jul-16 09:27:03

At 10 and 7 they would legally have a say how much time they wanted to spend with their father if you split up with him.

Perhaps you should start teaching them how to stand up to him. I mean that kindly, not at all flippantly.

I left a long marriage 10 years ago, 3 DCs involved, similar ages to yours. I know how daunting it all seems, but it's a short life and you ALL deserve to be happy flowers

Sabistick Fri 22-Jul-16 09:29:27

Sorry but he is the only one featuring in this family. Yourself and your kids are satellites around his wishes. Don't kid yourself he will get better, he is already spending your kids lives on his needs. Practicalities though, how trapped are you in this situation? Are there religious, cultural,finantial reasons you stay? Would your parents help vanish if you left your husband? (Family appearance can be coercion). At very least get legal advice so you have that behind you. If you go , you may never achieve the couple on that you want, but you stand a chance, which is more than you seem to have at present.

cheapskatemum Fri 22-Jul-16 09:31:57

He sounds controlling, read "Living with the Dominator" by Pat Craven. I have PM'd you as well.

DiggersRest Fri 22-Jul-16 09:41:24

Your dc will thank you for making their life better when you leave. Honestly, it's not always best to keep the 'family' together.

He sounds like an utter arsehole. And that he thinks your marriage is over too by not wanting to spend time with you.

happypoobum Fri 22-Jul-16 09:41:47

I cannot understand how you can stand by and watch him bully your children to the point they are in tears - it sounds utterly awful for them.

How bad does this have to get for you to leave?

pillowaddict Fri 22-Jul-16 09:42:02

Please protect your children from this man. I understand your fear of him coaching them in your absence but during contact visits it would be more bearable than 24/7 of your whole life, and the experience of life with a parent who doesn't have unreasonable expectations will give them confidence to know when they can say no or opt out. You sound miserable and he sounds awful. Go, and make yours and your dc happy for their last few years of young childhood!

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn Fri 22-Jul-16 09:44:31

He sounds awful and selfish. I think you probably know that you could be happier without him, but making that step is huge and difficult.

IfNotNowThenWhenever Fri 22-Jul-16 09:44:31

He's abusive darling. See a solicitor, leave him, and go and be happy with your actual family (that's you and your kids).

Euphemia Fri 22-Jul-16 09:45:28

Get out. Free yourself and your DDs from living with this bully.

NavyandWhite Fri 22-Jul-16 09:50:15

That's no life. What reason is there for staying? You're unhappy.

Why do your DC need coaching? What's all that about?

ChaChaChaCh4nges Fri 22-Jul-16 09:51:23

What exactly is this "coaching" he does with the DCs?

AnotherEmma Fri 22-Jul-16 09:51:30

He sounds like a fucking slave driver.
If you read the abuser profiles, the drill sergeant might sound familiar.
You might find it helpful to read "Should I stay or should I go?" by Lundy Bancroft.
You could also call the free Rights of Women family law helpline for advice about what might happen with the finances and child contact arrangements in the event of a split.
But it's a resounding LTB from me. He is sucking the joy out of your lives.

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