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SIL 1 or Me !

(50 Posts)
LowellDrew Thu 21-Jul-16 21:37:58

I grew up an only child, whereas DH has 2 brothers who are both married with kids. We all live in London but different areas and we're fairly close for a family.

I would describe DH and I along with BIL & SIL 1 as middle class, not massively wealthy but well off enough, decent mortgage etc. Neither of my SIL's work but I do, so they're a lot closer as they spend a lot of time with just their DCs together

SIL and BIL 2 are very very wealthy, they have 1 DS (11)

DH and I have 1 DS (8)

SIL/BIL 1 have 4 DC from 11-2

And although they're closer & spend more time together and have DS' the same age. Every summer for the past 4 years, SIL/BIL 2 have invited DS along on their summer holiday, he's been to exotic locations that he'd never get to go with us.

This year they're going to Cancun and at MIL's barbecue today, SIL 2 kept asking about DS , what he likes to eat? How strong a swimmer he is ? SIL 1 then kept interrupting with unneeded comments like how her DS whose also 11, is a very strong swimmer, won't get tired and has never flown out of the U.K., whereas my DS gets 2 holidays every summer.

We left feeling pretty awkward, I thought that was the end until I received a text from SIL 1 asking me not to be so selfish, and that we should share holidays away amongst all the DCs with SIL/BIL 2

I think that's bang out of order.

KatharinaRosalie Thu 21-Jul-16 21:40:32

Surely it's up to SIL2 whom she invites, not up to you to 'share'.

NavyandWhite Thu 21-Jul-16 21:41:16

Why does bil2 only take your Ds and none of his other nephews/nieces?

Whocansay Thu 21-Jul-16 21:42:06

She is. If she has an issue with it, (which she clearly does), she should bring it up with the people giving out the invitation. She hasn't done that because she knows full well that she's being ridiculous.

Ignore her.

ArmfulOfRoses Thu 21-Jul-16 21:43:08

I think that it is absolutely up to bil/sil 2 who they invite on holiday but to go on about it in front of bil/sil 1 is completely insensitive.

Sil 1 is texting the wrong person, but fucking hell that's got to sting sad

antimatter Thu 21-Jul-16 21:44:21

How often do all 3 oldest boys, one from each family play together and spend time together?

AnaisWatterson Thu 21-Jul-16 21:47:02

She shouldn't have text you about it, your not the one at fault.
But as the mother of the left out one, it's fucking shit and you wonder what they've done so wrong.

NeedACleverNN Thu 21-Jul-16 21:47:38

I feel sorry for your nephew really.

He sees his cousins going on holiday every year and is never invited.

Don't get me wrong SIL shouldn't have butted in all the time but they were really rubbing it in his face about how they are going on holiday and he isn't

fuzzywuzzy Thu 21-Jul-16 21:48:33

Maybe SIL2 thinks OP's son needs the company of his cousin as the other cousins spend time together if both SIL's are so close and stay at home mums so assume their kids spend a lot of time together.

And it's a lot easier, and cheaper taking one extra child rather than four.

Arfarfanarf Thu 21-Jul-16 21:49:14

She clearly feels very hurt and upset that her child who is also their nephew is never thought of.

I would be.

Although it's wrong of her to challenge you about it. What does she want you to do? go to your other sil and bil and say don't take my son this year, it's not fair, take X instead? That is not for you to decide.

You might want to talk to them and say you've had this text and she is clearly feeling hurt and rejected on behalf of her son and perhaps agree to not talk about holidays in front of her.

But she cannot make you force them to take her son instead of yours, which seems to be what she is saying.

RubbleBubble00 Thu 21-Jul-16 21:49:30

Completely insensitive of sil 2 to bring it up at the BBQ. I can see why they picking your son as sil1 has 4 kids and not really fair to take just the eldest - prob in their eyes. Not nice for sil1 eldest if he hangs out with his 11 year old cousin a lot to constantly be overlooked.

I don't think she's bang out of order. Just text back and say she needs to speak to sil2 as its not your decision.

Though tbh it wouldn't kill you to suggest they take sil1 eldest at some point

LowellDrew Thu 21-Jul-16 21:49:36

Antimatter, DH & I only see them on family occasions, Christmas, Easter, MILs house etc but DS sees them a little more as MIL/FIL do a lot of babysitting and they tend to try and invite all the kids, he doesn't see one family more then the other.

Birdsgottafly Thu 21-Jul-16 21:50:08

Whenever threads come up about a MIL favouring one GC above another, the favourite's Parents are also criticised, for not seeing what is happening and telling them to be fair.

She saying this to you because you're possibly the easier target.

""SIL 1 then kept interrupting with unneeded commentS""

You both need to learn some sensitivity.

Whilst your SIL can invite who she wants on holiday, to cause this rift between her DNs, is disgusting.

I'm surprised that your MIL hasn't said anything.

Trills Thu 21-Jul-16 21:50:09

She is unreasonable.

It's up to the inviter who they invite.

If the uninvited has a problem, they should talk to the inviter, not to the invitee.

Trills Thu 21-Jul-16 21:52:36

Definitely rude of the inviter to be massively mentioning it all in front of the uninvited though.

ailith Thu 21-Jul-16 22:07:47

Good grief. All the abbreviations are utterly confusing.

rollonthesummer Thu 21-Jul-16 22:18:52

Why do they single out your son, do you think?

Florin Thu 21-Jul-16 22:21:25

It's because they are both only children as it is simpler. If they invite the other child along they would feel they would have to invite all 4. Which depending if they have chosen to have one child but if they have I am sure they don't want so many children on their holiday however one play mate is nice (I am a mother of an only.) This to them probably seems the easiest choice.

AnaisWatterson Thu 21-Jul-16 22:29:46

I understand the logic, it doesn't make it fair.
My niece has been taken around the world. Mines not so much had a McDonald's. It's not fair even if there's a good reason.

Florin Thu 21-Jul-16 22:33:33

You could argue it isn't fair on the 2 year old though as I assume being 9 years different in age to their son they will never take that child as it is too big an age gap so they might feel it would be very unfair between siblings.

Shizzlestix Thu 21-Jul-16 22:39:18

Guessing they won't fork out for sil's 4 DCs, but want company for their lone DS by inviting yours. SIL 2 is being massively U by banging on about it in front of SIL 1.

Don't see what mil has to do with anything? SIL is an adult and does not need mil reminding her how to behave.

Notcontent Thu 21-Jul-16 22:48:37

Well, in the circumstances, I can understand why your SIL is feeling upset.

Witchend Thu 21-Jul-16 23:02:30

I'd guess that their thinking is both the only children then have a friend/sibling type on holiday in a way the others don't. Also, you don't say what age all the other family is, but they could end up feeling they have to invite at least 2, which may not be the point.

However I can totally see how she feels upset, particularly as her dc1 is the same age and so a much more obvious one to invite as a friend. Plus you say they see each other more and may well get on better together. So he will be feeling rejected by his cousin, whom he thinks of as a friend. And then to go on in front of her, and presumably the kids, is insensitive to say the least.

I think actually asking you to think about it is reasonable, particularly as it sounds like your ds will have a second holiday too. She may have asked other SIL too, you can't tell that.

I'd text back something along the lines of, "If sil offers to take your dc1 I have no problem with it, however you need to talk to her, not me. I imagine she invites ds as it is nice for both our dc to have someone to share the holiday with."

Dutchcourage Thu 21-Jul-16 23:07:08

Your son obviously fits in well with their family. It can be tiring taking away some one else's child that doesn't gel with you.

It's completly up to your sil and BIL who they take away.

AcrossthePond55 Fri 22-Jul-16 00:30:39

I agree it's not your problem. It would probably bother me too if my child(ren) wasn't taken to these fab places, but if SiL1 has a problem, let her deal with it with SiL2. I certainly wouldn't turn down an invition like that for one of my children because someone else thinks it's 'not fair'.

I'd put it down to one of two things; they don't want to ask just one of SiL1's DCs and don't want to have the responsibility/cost of all four, or they don't like something about the children's behaviour or habits. Not the children's fault, but it is what it is.

But I wouldn't respond to SiL1's text. There's nothing you can say that won't either piss her off more or she won't put a spin on and repeat to the rest of the family.

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