Feeling down about this holiday(31 Posts)
I have a bit of a dilemma in that a holiday abroad in a few weeks I am dreading. Dreading because I am going with DH and his family and there is just an awful atmosphere. I never wanted to go because of this but 12 months ago when it was booked things were not quite as awkward, never really an amazing bond between us, but now things are just really shit. DH dad won a few grand and wanted to go on holiday (first grandchild my son) was a big part of that. I told DH I didn't want to go and he said 'come on it'll be the last one and it's free, if you don't want to go then you can explain to my whole family why'. Completely and utterly didn't give a shit if I didn't want to go. Now we're going.
There has been an endless list of things that mil has done since DS was born which have created the atmosphere we have today. But over the years, even before he was born I've always remained a quiet, timid, twat. Never reacted or spoke up when some honestly awful things were said to me in the past by SIL and when MIL and SlL have made me feel awkward on holidays before because they don't engage with me too much unless they are drunk. I find when they are sober (mainly SIL) she wont talk to me too much etc. She has always been an odd ball, can't maintain eye contact and sometimes doesn't make it at all etc. She's a very loud and outgoing person, doesn't give a shit about others opinions sort of bird so I know she just has it in for me and I know she's always seen me as weak, which is what bullies love and in my eyes she displays the traits of a bully.
Anyway dince DS was born there have been things mil has done which have crossed a line, and where I have snapped, the first time they have ever seen me do so. There's been a few times where I've bit back and stood my ground as I don't want to get pushed around anymore, I'm a 30 year old woman ffs, not a teenager. Well SIL is extremely protective of her mum, they are like tweedle dumb and tweedle dee, and as a result she has gone really weird with me.
About 5 weeks back we went to stay with SIL, it was mainly a visit for her to see my DS, her nephew. Well I never felt so awkward in My entire life. She slated the way I talk to my son, said I sounded 'so gay' when I was just being normal with him and when she said it she was just sniggering and looking at the wall, like I am totally beneath her. Then she burst out laughing when I was feeding him, and said 'you make me laugh' when asked why, she again couldn't look at me and was like 'just do'. I kept asking her why and all I got was 'just do' as she was sniggering but again making no eye contact. I'm the end she said because it is such a joint effort for me to feed him (DH wiped his face, I didn't ask him too but he did - she seemed this as a joint effort). This woman is 34 and this is the sort of person she is. She's awful in my eyes. There were other comments through out that weekend.
The other weekend for DH birthday she came to visit, walked into our house with her mum, never even looked at me. Never said hi. Nothing. I asked her how she was etc and I got a one word answer as she was biting her nails and staring at the floor. Asked her what she's done that day, mil answered for SIL and that was pretty much the only engagement I had with her all night. Me and mil remain civil because we have to. She has my son one day a week, which to be clear is me doing a favour for her, I don't have to allow her to mind my child. I'm just on edge for 1 more piece of shit from her though and that arrangement is history.
Anyway back to it...that night SIL didn't even say bye, she just got up and walked out the lounge when her taxi arrived with her mum and dad who did say bye. She said see ya bro! At the top of her lungs, but said fuck all to me. I shouted down the drive when they were all walking off 'see ya later' and again got nothing from SIL. That entire night I felt so awkward, especially when DH went out for a cigarette with his dad and bil and left me alone with them.
I felt constantly on edge when playing or taking with my son because I felt she was constantly judging me and thinking in her mind 'I'm so gay' like she was doing and actually saying out loud before.
I am dreading this holiday. The whole thing is weird and has been for years but DH never addresses it. It's all been very forces previously and maintained quite well, but I put that down to me being a pushover. There has never been any bond, friendship or anything between us, any of us. I've been with DH for 11 years.
I don't know what to do about this holiday! I told DH how I feel and about his birthday weekend and asked if he noticed how things were with SIL and his response was 'that's just her'. But she's not like this with our friends who came around that night who she's met once before, no she was quite friendly with them. Just not me.
I wish I was going with my family. They adore my dh.
What to do? :-(
What does your DH do when all this is going on? If the answer is 'nothing' then he is just as much a problem as the in laws.
DONT GO!!! Why on earth would you put yourself through it ? Free or not, it will be dreadful and there will be the added pressure that you should feel 'grateful'. Tell your DP to go alone if he feels he should, and enjoy some peace with your DC, you can not win with toxic people So you MUST stay away from them instead, I know it's hard but take a deep breath and say you have decided not to after all. What's the worst that could happen? If your DP makes an issue out of it he isn't listening or supporting you, stay strong and do the right thing for you.
It's a 2 week holiday I don't think I could be away from him for that long. It wouldn't feel right. I'm o about my son not DH haha..
DH will get conversation going and issues like above are just sidelined.
I have even thought about 'loosing the passports' but could t do that to DH dad, obviously.
It's so easy to say 'don't go' - but don't, that sounds like a horrible horrible holiday!
Can you talk again with your DP about your SIL - specifically mentioning the contrast between your reception and the friend who turned up later, and the weird way she was with you when you were feeding your son. She does sound very odd.
PS If you do go are there things you could do with your DP and son, just to escape for a while?
True...get way for a bit and be away from the compete awkwardness.
I'll need a holiday after that one I think.
You should just go and avoid them if they are rude to you and tell you DH you expect him to make it known that's the case rather then say sod all
Can you not say to sil is everything ok
you passive aggressive knobhead you seem really quiet around me recently ... Etc
If you can't not go completely, could you shorten it to five nights? Blame work?
For now I'd still go, just to help keep peace and so you can stay with dh and ds.
Maybe on this holiday make dh well aware that it's not you thats causing a rift, make an extra special effort to be nice and then when you get home address this issue properly with dh, I feel like mil and sil are nasty when dh is not around but this may be difficult to hide if you'll all be living together for 2 weeks. Maybe by going no contact for a while or at least not interacting as much after holiday.
And book yourselves your 'real' holiday a month later or so so you've got something to look forward to if possible...
Your SIL sounds very childlish... To be honest, her behaviour is not normal. I think you need to have a serious conversation with your DH.
What type of holiday is it? hotel? villa? apartment? self-catering? all inc? The reason I ask is because you could go and just keep yourself to yourself - maybe catch up with them over dinner or lunch, but not spend entire time with them... go for walks etc. or take a few books and read by the pool. Be non-plused with them and deffo don't go down to their level. When you come back, if you don't need MiL help with babysitting stop the arrangement.
Explain to your DH that these are the only terms you will go away with them all, that you have not had his support and being made to feel uncomfortable in your own home is utterly unacceptable. just to add it sounds as though the relationship with the in laws is about to go negative really quickly if things aren't addressed soon.
Fuck her! (Not literally haha). Its a free holiday for your family, have fun and do not let her or the rest of the family affect your mood. When I have dramas with my sons dad family, I just tell myself, they are nothing and they cannot bring my mood down and let the drama go over my head. I call a friend and have a good laugh and bitch about them. OP, she obviously has issues, maybe jealousy - just pity her, dont let her see she has bothered you and enjoy your free holiday!!
She bites her nails and looks at the floor when you talk to her?
She calls you 'so gay ' when you're talking to your son?
Is she fucking 12?
Woman up op, go on the holiday, and don't take any shit.
If she starts, laugh at her, and say erm, yeah, we're going to the beach/pub/market. Leave it crystal clear you're off every single time she's a dick.
And god help your dh if he doesn't go with you
Good luck, she sounds deranged.
What 34 year old 'woman' uses phrases like 'you're so gay'?! I didn't think anyone but ten year old boys uttered such to to tosh! Jeesh. I want to say fuck them off and don't go, but realise family obligations are never that easy to get out of. Your DH needs to grow a pair and stick up for you. Seriously, you are so much better than these twats ...... keep reminding yourself of that fact. Just because you're not confrontational, doesn't mean you're 'weak'. Just observe them for what they are and be grateful that you are not like them.
Is SIL jealous of you , do you think because her behaviour makes her sound like she is ? Has she got a DP or DH ? any children? Does she still live at home with mother ? It all sounds like the green monster to me and bravado to make you feel inferior because it is she who feels so actually I agree very childish though .
Call her out on this shit, it is pathetic & so fucking childish. Stop just letting it go & also speak to your DH, he is part of the problem as he's not doing anything to back you up.
You're all right regarding how childish, unhinged and nasty she sounds. Thing is her family think she's amazing 'oh it's just our Lisa, she'll never change'. Yeah well 'our Lisa's' just a see you next Tuesday.
I'm definitely going to try and get some space on holiday. I'm going to try and keep upbeat and in a good mood, it's just very difficult given how things are.
So she's an immature, silly little girl basically? One of those completely pointless people that seem to do nothing but cause misery?
So her opinion is ridiculous and who cares?
So two options:-
1. Make it clear that her barbs don't bother you in the slightest-
" Oh - if you think I sound silly talking to him - you should see how I look at music class - think 12 mums dancing around whilst singing 6 verses of Twinkle Twinkle. Such fun though!"
"If you think we are bad now then you should have seen us the first time we tried to change his nappy. There we were - two of us doing our very best and we still got it on backwards. Such a happy day though - we just couldn't believe he was ours."
OR - no matter what she says - turn it into smutty innuendo.......
"Do I? Ooooh - lucky Dh! Every red blooded male's dream that - isn't it?" Big grin.
"We do work well as a team don't we. Our bodies are just so in sync - we always know what the other one needs." Big grin.
Ooh I'm liking that idea mumoftwo , embarrass the hell out of her , turn it on it's head as after all she is trying to embarrass you.......and I dont think anyone wants to hear about their brother in that context do they ! unless she is more weird than we think.
Hahaha, love it mumoftwo, the smutty innuendo actually made me laugh out loud.
your husband lets his family treat you like that, and doesnt treat you with much respect either
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