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To have contacted this woman?

(103 Posts)
OkPookie Thu 21-Jul-16 14:09:58

Probably yes. Entirely stupid.

I have a 10-year-old son, I got pregnant at the age of 18 while in the middle of my A-levels. The father who was 21 (looking back) was a complete moron, and going nowhere really at that time in his life. He decided not to have anything to do with our son, and despite contacting him/his family members when our son was born I never heard anything from them and I assume my ex has always denied his existence.

Fast forward 10 years, and ex has another son (aged 5). He pays me maintenance (forced through the CSA), but we have had no contact in all these years. Today I decided to Google him, out of boredom and came across his public social media profile. Apparently ex has started up a business, is no longer the bum he once was, is seemingly the best and most proud father in the world, travels often etc. Not the man boy I knew. Out of nowhere I had a pang of bitterness. The mother of their child was obvious, so on a whim I contacted her to say I had a child with my ex, he was 10 and that perhaps in the future he may contact either his father or sibling and to be aware of this possibility.

I am in a VERY happy relationship with a good man, I'm due to give birth in 4 days. I honestly don't know what came over me! Anyway, her reply was "what am I expecting" from my message, and unless I have any evidence to prove my claim to basically get lost. Obviously there is little point in going backwards and forwards with it, as she will ultimately believe what she wants to.

I just can't believe after 10 years I am feeling so upset over this, I have had so many life experiences and being a dumb teenager is well and truly behind me. I also feel so bad for my son, I can't imagine him ever seeing that himself.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

branofthemist Thu 21-Jul-16 14:16:10

That must be difficult for you to see and I can understand how you feel, with regards to your son. Of course it still hurts because your son is permanent. You will always feel he is missing out.

But ywbu (in my opinion) to contact her in the way you did. It came across as someone spiteful trying to upset her. On the presumption he hasn't told her about you. Which he may not have. He may have told her he suspects the child isn't his and pays out of a sense of duty, or told her you are a mental ex. She was unlikely to believe some random ex of his from 10 years ago over him.

You didn't contact her to help your son or you or her. It sounds like you hoped you would cause a problem.

Some would say you still should have told her, but I always think that if you act out of spite, nothing good comes of it.

Porcupinetree Thu 21-Jul-16 14:18:40

What exactly was your motivation? To ruin her day? How odd.

t4gnut Thu 21-Jul-16 14:23:09


Why did you 'just happen' to be googling him and 'just happen' to work out who this woman was and 'just happen' to contact her out of the blue?

These are not 'just happen' moments.

Toocold Thu 21-Jul-16 14:24:12

You're heavily pregnant, hormonal and it is probably bringing it all back to when your son was little and how dare he be rejected, I totally get it and understand why you did it, however it isn't her fault it's his and I expect the truth will come out one day. Try and concentrate on the beautiful family you have and feel proud of what you have achieved despite them , easier said than done I know.

And try and ignore replies about you ruining someone else's day, it's happened, now you just need to move on. I wish you luck with your new baby and enjoy your son.

OkPookie Thu 21-Jul-16 14:25:01

Thank you for the replies,

I had no conscious motivation, honestly as soon as I saw the profile I wrote a message! Within a matter of minutes. Of course, the reason deep down it is likely to be upset/spite etc.

I guess the thing is I looked after him for so long, and always felt my son was better off. Of course, he still is from a father who doesn't want to know him. But just seeing him playing happy families, and doing 'well' for himself...just made me so upset and angry.

My own father hid me away in similar circumstances for years, and I have always felt the same sense of resentment. I didn't ever want that for my own child, but it ended up happening to me anyway.

How can someone be a good father to one child, and completely deny another! I did apologise to her initially, but I guess no matter what I am going to look like someone who is bitter and has never moved on...although I generally have. Annoyed at myself.

Mouikey Thu 21-Jul-16 14:27:44

I too think YABU to have contacted her, and maybe you should have taken a deep breath before you pressed send! However, whats done is done... given that he pays maintenance its likely that she is already aware of your son's existence. Her response was quite measured, and to be honest a fair question given your message to her... what are you expecting to get out of this?

I'd would take a step back, things are obviously good for you with a lovely partner and new baby on the way... I would suggest a gentle apology to the woman might be in order, but I wouldn't begin to think how you could word it!! Don't forget your son may indeed want to met his biological father in the future and this kind of upset won't be helpful for any of you.

OkPookie Thu 21-Jul-16 14:29:21

T4gnut - I literally just Googled his name and his profile/business came up instantly. I saw the profile, looked through the images, saw her comment under one of the pictures and sent her a message. I have never ever done this before, or I would have seen the profile before now.

Toocold -Thank you. I honestly feel embarrassed by my actions, and I know logically it is nothing to do with her at all. I'm going to make a cup of tea and try to forget about it I think!

branofthemist Thu 21-Jul-16 14:30:59

Look, he is shit. I don't know how he can do that.

But what else did you imagine? Did you hope to google him and find him miserable and alone? Is that what you hoped for so you could feel that you had done better since all the shit he did?

You did do better. You stuck around and raised your son.

It was highly unlikely he hadn't moved on.

I assume he probably does regret it. But doesn't have the balls to contact you and try to do something about it.

What will you do now, if he contacts you? He could take this as a sign there is still a chance he can start contact with his son, eventually.

Laiste Thu 21-Jul-16 14:35:08

So he's still paying you through the CSA and his wife is totally unaware of any of it?

ThumbWitchesAbroad Thu 21-Jul-16 14:38:31

You've contacted her now, so unless you want to make something out of this (which I can see you did as a bit of an angry reflex), then I would say "I'm sorry, I just wanted to let you know that your child had an older half-brother. I don't want anything from you, or to disrupt your life in any way"

If you DO want to make something of it, then continue that message to say that, should she want her child to meet your son, then you would facilitate that but you understand that she might not want this. However you would always be open to it if she were to change her mind later.

And then leave the ball entirely in her court.

NeedsAsockamnesty Thu 21-Jul-16 14:40:18

So your sole intention was to let her know her child has a sibling?

Nothing wrong with that as far as I can see.

RedHareWithBlondeHair Thu 21-Jul-16 14:40:44

You do know that everyone paints themselves in a certain light on social media. Despite you seeing him live the high life, it isn't always the case. I don't dispute that he might have very well have done well for himself, but on social media it's always ramped up a bit more.

Take heart. You shouldn't have contacted her but now that it's done. It's done. Keep on moving forward.

What I'd encourage you to do is accept that at times there will be things from our past that apropos of nothing creep back up and give us the rage. It's normal! But consider your response better next time.

Tiggeryoubastard Thu 21-Jul-16 14:41:04

That was a bit shitty to just contact her like that. Sounds like you're jealous and want to spoil her happy life, whatever you say. The person to open contact with, if that's all you wanted to do, would have been the father. Really out of order.

ilovetoloveyoubaby Thu 21-Jul-16 14:42:33

Op I don't want to say YABU because you're mother to a little boy who doesn't see his father and that must be very hard.

I completely understand the pang of bitterness/jealousy/resentment/anger at seeing him.

I think you were a bit hasty sending a message and you've directed your anger at the wrong person.

Focus on the good things: your lovely son, new baby's imminent arrival and a healthy relationship.

Don't beat yourself up for sending the message. Probably wasn't your finest hour but we all do silly things. When it comes down to it, your ex missing 10 years of a lovely little boy's life is a bigger mistake than sending a message.

Forget about it and move on.

Good luck for when new baby arrives flowers

Gottagetmoving Thu 21-Jul-16 14:42:58

How can someone be a good father to one child, and completely deny another

It is sad - but your ex was young when you got pregnant. He is not the same person today. He has grown up and become more responsible and was ready for fatherhood this time. He is able now to give his 2nd child and partner a good life.
It is sad for your DS and for that I can understand you being upset. Be happy that you moved on and have a lovely family now.
Perhaps one day your ex will realise he should have been there for your DS. It could be that as time went on he felt less able to make that contact.

You should have contacted your ex, not the other woman, to see if he would like contact with your son. Mind you - you should have asked your DS first.
The woman was unkind. Her response was hostile but probably because she had no idea about your son so this will probably cause problems for your ex now.


Eatthecake Thu 21-Jul-16 14:43:35

what did you want from messaging her? What did you hope to achieve? You say you are with a good man who I assume is a good step dad to your child so your in a good place.

When you started googling him you must of reliesed there was a massive chance he had moved on and had a good life just like you?

Your anger isn't with her, it's with him so I think you was unreasonable Yes.

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF Thu 21-Jul-16 14:45:15

Don't beat yourself up! Maybe not the smartest move you've ever made, but yes, I completely understand how it must have stung you, and I can't speak for others, but I know I've certainly said things in the heat of the moment that I've instantly regretted. You are literally days away from giving birth, you're hormonal and vulnerable, so give yourself a break and be gentle on yourself. You already realise it was a mistake, and we all make them. Good luck with the new baby!

ConcreteUnderpants Thu 21-Jul-16 14:47:21

Surely you knew he wasn't a bum by the amount of maintenance you receive? If it was over £5, then he has a job!

YABU to have contacted his wife. I'm sure it hurts, but ultimately, he is the one who has missed out on everything bringing up a little one entails.

Personally, I'm not sure how she could be with, let alone have more with, a man who abandons his first child.. .

happypoobum Thu 21-Jul-16 14:48:02

Hmmm, up to you but I would be inclined to respond saying you thought she might want to know that her child has a sibling, and obviously those children may contact each other in the future. I was the younger half sibling in this situation and was overjoyed as a young teen to find I had older half siblings. Neither of the mothers concerned was thrilled about it, but it really wasn't about them.

It sounds like she thinks you are after money, so I would sign off by saying you already receive CM and money isn't an issue for you. You wish her well, goodbye.

SemiNormal Thu 21-Jul-16 14:48:04

How can someone be a good father to one child, and completely deny another! - My sons father has 3 children from 3 different women, when he first got the last woman pregnant and they were playing 'happy families' it really made my blood boil because he didn't have contact with our child. I really understand how it hurts, and it hurts more because it feels like a personal rejection of our children. As it happens he then disappeared from this childs life too and I've been fortunate enough that the children have met and will hopefuly have some kind of relationship.

If your ex contacts you now wanting contact with your child what will you do/say? I think you need to figure that out just in case as he may well see this as a chance to right the wrong (not that 10yrs can ever be made up to a child IMO but still ...).

Have you told your partner? it might be wise to do that too because if he finds out from your ex or this woman that you have messaged he may be annoyed that you didn't discuss it with him?

Hopefully the new baby will help to take your mind of things and try not to let this silly mistake ruin your happiness. FWIW I don't think you were being unreasonable, yes you probably messaged the wrong person and perhaps for the wrong reasons, but given the circumstances I think you've been reasonable.

ricketytickety Thu 21-Jul-16 14:48:05

You're human. I don't think you should beat yourself up if you've already apologised. Do you think maybe his dad will want to see him now he's grown up and become a man? Or are you going to leave it? Does your ds want to make contact?

Shizzlestix Thu 21-Jul-16 14:49:43

YABUVV What if this was a horrible shock to the poor girl? It's nothing to do with her that you got pregnant. VVU, IMO.

Pinkheart5915 Thu 21-Jul-16 14:51:59

I can't see for the life of me why you contacted her, what you wanted to achieve? You can't of honestly thought you would google him to find he was sad,lonely and miserable

You claim to be with a good man so your ds has what I assume is a good step dad and his loved by you two. Surley that is 100x better than having a dad around that doesn't really want to him.

No point in thinking about it now, just forget the whole message thing

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