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To think rushing a relationship is a red flag?

(23 Posts)
poaspcos Wed 20-Jul-16 23:02:45

I know some people it does all end happily for, my grandparents got engaged after a fortnight and had a long happy marriage

Nowadays though - I feel incredibly suspicious when people refer to it as a "relationship" after a few dates, or make serious plans together like marriage or moving in together

Am I being too cynical?

So as not to drip feed: I have a friend I wish I could be happy for, she's had an awful time and deserves something wonderful to happen but I feel worried how fast things are going and unable to get excited on her behalf. Feeling guilty for raining on her parade and wondering if I'm too suspicious

MatchsticksForMyEyes Wed 20-Jul-16 23:06:35

I was inexperienced and naive when I met ex DH. He told me he loved me after two weeks and I moved in after 4 months. 8 years of emotional abuse later, I separated from him and filed for divorce. I've been with dp for nearly 3yrs now and we aren't living together yet. In hindsight rushing in was the worst thing I could have done.

poaspcos Wed 20-Jul-16 23:12:52

That's exactly what I'm scared of happening matchsticks - he's spending lots of money on her and a lot of time with her.

I wish I could be delighted but I'm reading everything with suspicion

FetchezLaVache Wed 20-Jul-16 23:17:14

I would be worried too, especially about the money- I mean, he could be genuinely a kind and disinterestedly generous man, but he could also be setting her up to have this all thrown back in her face at a later date...

Batteriesallgone Wed 20-Jul-16 23:19:55

DH and I rushed - married in under a year together. First DC in under 2 years.

BUT, yes it can be a big red flag. Particularly if your spidey senses are tingling. Nowt you can do tho sadly, it'll have to run its course

SoozeyHoozey Wed 20-Jul-16 23:22:46

We rushed. Became pregnant with DD after being together for five months. We had been best friends for a couple of years before so knew each other well and I'm late 30s so we didn't have a lot of time to hang about conceiving. We've been together 18 months now, living together, and it is going really well so far.

poaspcos Wed 20-Jul-16 23:29:26

I don't think they knew each other until a few weeks back

I could be wrong but I got the impression they met on a dating site.

I probably rushed too but DH and I had also been very good friends for years before it turned into a relationship so I didn't count it as rushing in since he was already a part of my friendship circle

imother Wed 20-Jul-16 23:31:47

Tell your friend to totally disagree with him. To say she can't see him because she's doing something else for example. Then she needs to watch his reaction.

If there's any sulking, emotional blackmail, tit for tatting etc, then she should know what she's dealing with.

If he's ea it won't show until there's an obstacle thrown at him. That's when he'll be off the honeymoon best behaviour and show his true colours when he's not in control.

You could tell her about another 'friend' that did just that to plant the idea? If he's ea she may have some idea of it herself deep down. If she has dc she really shouldn't introduce anyone to them until she knows them well herself either.

WorraLiberty Wed 20-Jul-16 23:38:09

I think some people are just like that and tend to wear their hearts on their sleeves.

It rarely ends well but as you say, there are some 'success' stories and a lot of people will cling on to those, even though they're relatively rare.

The only time it worries me really, is when there are children involved.

Some people are so caught up in their own happiness that they forget to stop and think about how their kids might feel about the new relationship, and how it might be way to fast for them.

Yet sometimes kids are affected far more by new relationships, than they are by their parent's divorce.

poaspcos Wed 20-Jul-16 23:43:55

There are kids - his have been introduced to her. I don't know if she's introduced hers to him (she hasn't said so)

poaspcos Wed 20-Jul-16 23:45:20

Good idea about telling her to disagree with him imother I'll suggest that

JessaHanna Wed 20-Jul-16 23:46:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LonestarStateOfMind Wed 20-Jul-16 23:59:22

Good advice imother. I would add that if she (or anyone in similar situation) decided to test things, watch out for the checking up. The constant questioning of the details, phone calls on that night (trying to analyse background noise) and also if they 'just happen to be passing' these are all red flags imo.

hazeimcgee Thu 21-Jul-16 00:46:50

DH and i met thriugh online dating, lived together at 4 months, engaged at 6, married at 18 and baby two years later so it can work and be awesome HOWEVER i guess it's about what is making you nervous? Any warning signs? Off jand comments? Change in her? Or just love and concern and cynicism on your side?

branofthemist Thu 21-Jul-16 06:24:29

I am on the fence. I met dh at 18. 3 weeks later he asked me to marry him. I said no. Mainly because my parents would go mad. He asked again five months later and I said yes. Married within two years and happily married with kids, for 14 years. No red flag or abuse. Dh is great.

On the other hand I have seen people move too quickly and it's been a mistake. Especially when kids are involved.

I also think that sometimes one of the people in a relationship could turn out to be abusive. But nothing you have wrote leads me to think the reason you should be concerned is because he may abuse her. But because she will get hurt.

I was terrified when a friend moved to South Africa for someone she met on Instagram, after only spending 6 weeks together. But, as far as I can see, they are extremely happy 2 years later.

Lots of people end up in abusive relationships even when they have taken it slowly.

I think the 'tell her took disagree with him' is an awful idea. It's game playing. Obviously if she disagrees with him she should take note if his reaction is bad. But trying to engineer situations will not make anyone happy. How would you feel if you found out his friends were getting him to test her? Wouldn't you say that was a red flag?

myownprivateidaho Thu 21-Jul-16 06:30:55

I think it's better to be more circumspect, but I don't think not being is inevitably or even particularly a sign of being abusive. The main problem is that if you rush in too quickly you can advance the relationship without having noticed major incompatibilities.

gabsdot Thu 21-Jul-16 08:04:50

Dh and got engaged a week after our first date and we're married four months later. We were both early ,20s, no kids or baggage. 21 years later I have no regrets.
However if kids are involved or previous relationships it's different. You have to be more careful.

Dutchcourage Thu 21-Jul-16 08:13:26

I've been on both sides.

An ex really pushed for a relationship, chased me, was on the phone constantly, making plans, wanting to spend time with my dd1. And he turned out to be a complete head fuck. I was quite happy to take our time but he was the one pushing, it did feel forced and I ignored it and went with the flow. He was a dick.

Dh though felt like an old pair of slippers, it was very natural to see him practically daily - he lived near me. It felt like I'd known him all my life. It was very easy to be around him, no games. Afyer us both having shitty exs we kind of just put our cards on the table from the get go and both enjoyed each other's company.

He didn't push like my ex did or promise amazing things, he was just strong and stable and constant.

We was both lucky to meet each other.

poaspcos Thu 21-Jul-16 13:14:00

I think it's the idea of her getting hurt that is making me nervous, I'm probably too protective over her. I know she's a grown woman and there's little I can do but try and be happy she's happy for now

There are several factors that make her very vulnerable if it all goes tits up which I won't share however I don't think her new partner is aware of these factors either

branofthemist Thu 21-Jul-16 13:22:54

Well going head first into a relationship, is very different to being abused.

And if he isn't aware, of things that could be an issue. That's between them.

It's sound like the relationship may not be a good idea and try need to slow it down. She may not feel ready to tell him certain things yet. But it's not a red flag territory.

You seem to have a fear that she is vulnerable and that she doesn't make great decisions (which I get). But you have projected your worries about her and turned into a worry about his behaviour. I can't see what he has done wrong.

Pinkheart5915 Thu 21-Jul-16 13:27:01

I think you are being a bit cynical but we all move relationships at our own speed and I don't think there is a right or wrong.

If your with somebody and it feels right to move quickly why not? Life is too short.
Of course if you worry about the speed things are moving you should step back and slow things down.

Sparklesilverglitter Thu 21-Jul-16 13:32:01

I see nothing wrong with moving a relationship moving quickly if both parties are happy with it. Live each day I say!

I wonder if age plays a part, for example if a woman gets to 30/35 yrs old and wants children would she feel time is 'running out' and she needs to get a move on.

I met DH at 18 we lived together after 2 months, brought our first house after 8 months and married after 1 year We are still together and I am expecting our first baby at 39 years old

Dutchcourage Thu 21-Jul-16 14:05:10

I think you really have to listen to your instincts. If it feels even slightly off - it probally is.

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