To try and convince DD to ditch her friend?

[IWasSpartacus]

Or should she stick with her? Posting here for honest feedback please as I am torn as to what to do.

DD is 10yo. She is sensitive, loyal, friendly and generally kind. She can also be a bit bossy and loud. She is no angel. But as far as I can tell her heart is in the right place.

She has been friends for 2 years with "A" who was great at supporting DD when she had problems with a couple of other girls in her year group. DD & "A" have been thick as thieves since then. Sometimes playing with a larger group, sometimes just the two of them. Until the last couple of weeks I thought "A" of a similar vein to DD. She occasionally would come out with the odd hurtful comment to DD "You really don't care about fashion do you? Your coat is horrible" kind of thing. We dealt with it.

Talk has come round to forthcoming transition to Yr6 and the imminent secondary school choices. DD like the majority of her school is going to the local, v good state school. "A" is going to a private girls school if she passes the exam (her mother's words not mine). We could afford private but want DD at the local school as it would by far be the best for her on so many levels. just so I don't get accused of inverse snobbery or jealousy

This topic of conversation seems to have coincided (though I may be guessing here) with "A" demonstrating some rather off behaviour. Just some examples below:
Saying she wants to grow up to be the school bully.
Teasing DD on a daily basis - taking her stuff, throwing it around, not letting DD have it back.
Following DD around in a "spying" kind of way when DD was playing with someone else.
Trying to get DD to "find out information" about what other girls think of "A" and then trying to bitch behind their backs.
Making continual snippy comments to all and sundry. Sometimes at other girls (and DD feels awful if she just watches and says nothing but is scared to) or to DD.

Arghh - all quite small but it builds up.

"A" seems convinced that no-one apart from DD likes her. From what I can tell "A" does seems to be driving people away. Other girls have come to DD and said that DD can come and play with them rather than having to be/feel upset if "A" has said something unkind.

I have had to hear about the latest "nastiness" from "A" on a daily basis for about 3 weeks now. DD knows that being a "torn bystander" if "A" is nasty to someone else makes her feel awful and is wrong. She also realises that if she is not careful she will get dragged into it and be tarred with the same brush.


Sorry - so there is the long back story. So my instinct is that "A" is doing all this because she feels uncertain/insecure/worried about the fact she is going to a different school. Maybe pressure of the entrance exam. She was really kind and good to DD 2 years ago.

So should DD stick by "A"? Be loyal? Try to modify "A"s behaviour ???Somehow?

Or should DD just go find some other friends (she has plenty of offers iyswim).

Sorry so long . Please help with some clarity. I am too close to it all.

[TheNewSchmoo]

Is this not over in a week anyway? Or have I misunderstood?

[IWasSpartacus]

Sorry - they are in Yr5 s0 choice to be made in Oct.

And in someways end of term will be a relief - but I suppose on thing I am trying to work out is how to plan the holidays. Promote meet ups/playdates or discourage them. Which will maybe direct how next September goes too.

[Hassled]

I would discourage contact over the summer - this is a good chance to create a bit of distance. You're probably right that A is having a wobble re exams/schools - just a break from school routine may help calm it all down. Unless you're in a position where there will be lots of contact over the next 6 weeks, I'd do nothing for now.

[beeny]

This sounds very familiar to what is going on with a couple of girls in my daughters school in North Yorkshire. I would try and keep contact to a minimum over the holidays.

[IWasSpartacus]

That is kind of where I am leaning to be honest. In fact this afternoon (after today's tale of woe) I told DD to just stop being friends with her.

However I am worried that it may leave "A" feeling very friendless and alone. Increasing her vulnerability iyswim - whereas probably what "A" needs is a big hug!

I think DD feels the same. Responsible. Which is silly. "A" has hacked off enough people that they have all walked away. Leaving DD feeling she cannot do the same.

[beeny]

She may need a hug but you should be able to show some insight at the age of ten.

[IWasSpartacus]

Am not in North Yorkshire (though used to be ). Just shows 10yo girls have a similar approach to life all over the country.....urghhh.

[beeny]

Sorry the story was so familiar was trying to see if it was someone I knew ( i know very naughty !)

[IWasSpartacus]

beeny I'd have done the same

[beeny]

Thanks for not judging me !

[BitOutOfPractice]

OP you can virtually set your watch by when this kind of stuff starts happening - late Y5, moving into Y6

[EttaJ]

She should definitely be encouraged to lose this "friend" as she's toxic. Even at that age they should be able to say enough is enough,I don't want to be around someone like that. Putting her in her place is what she needs as she sounds like a total brat.

[IWasSpartacus]

Etta this is kind of how I feel. Apart from the total brat thing - as in my OP "A" has for most of the time been an OK/good friend.

And then empathy kicks in. If they were older/adults then YY - ditch, ditch, ditch. Hmmm. So probably not different for 10yo?

Poor "A" though. She needs to readjust her approach. But should it be down to my poor DD to do it. Keep thinking about talking to "A's" mum but no that would just be a total disaster.

[IWasSpartacus]

And also, with the best will in the world, and with huge love for my DD, I am only hearing one side of the story. Though the fact "A" seems to have lost all the other friends is telling.

[CodyKing]

Your responsibility starts and ends with your own DD -

Does she want to be friends
Does she like this girl
Does she like being talked down too?

Ask the honest questions

[IWasSpartacus]

Thanks Cody.

I have asked DD if she thinks "A" is being a good friend and she agrees that she is not. She hates it when "A" is mean. She knows she is worth more than putting up with it.

So you'd think it would be easy huh? But then she says that when "A" is nice they have a great time and she is good fun. And that "A" hasn't got anyone else who really wants to play with her.

Arghhh. 10yos.

[CodyKing]

I think sometimes that children have to learn that their actions has a consequence - so when she's being mean DD walks away - says I'm not playing when your in this mood - or similar and A can play by herself - and DD goes and has a nice time elsewhere -

It's a hard lesson - but long term DD will no longer be with A and she doesn't want to have no friends herself at high school - so maybe she should put some distance whilst remaining polite and friendly?

[IWasSpartacus]

Thank you. This has helped me clarify my thoughts on what has been going on.

Tbh I thought I'd get lambasted for stopping DD being kind/loyal- this is aibu after all.

I will actively encourage DD to pull back and definitely avoid over the holidays. And organise stuff with other girls instead.

[CodyKing]

Mean girls get found out quite quickly in high school

At the moment they are stuck in one class room all day, but come high school they move classes and stream for some lessons

Girls will seek like minded children and snub the mean girls and yes they can be mean by association! Because if they don't step up and question it they are guilty.

They can change - but they need to learn fast!

There are also older more confident kids who will step in and stop bullying because making someone feel bad about themselves is bullying!

Build those nice friendships that make DD feel good about herself and she can be a good loyal friend to those kind to her

[branofthemist]

I was in this position 2 years ago. My advice to Dd was to get some space between her and the other girl. She did, but it was a small class (only one class per year) so it was difficult.

Got to be honest, year 6 was a complete pain in the arse. So glad when it was over. When they hit year 7 and there were far more people to be friends with, it resolved itself for Dd. They are still friends but not extremely close and have different friendship groups.

The school they went to had more pupils per year than her primary had in the whole school. Unfortunately the other girl is still having similar problems.

[hastheworldgonemad]

Well hopefully she will go to the other school and the problem will be solved.

There's always a few nasty ones and they get squashed at high school op.

Keep supporting your dd and telling her to keep being kind and nice and trust me she will attract the nice friends.