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To collect Child Support arrears, that have arisen due to ExH lying to the CSA?

(18 Posts)
HuskyLover1 Tue 19-Jul-16 20:48:57

I am in a bit of a tizzy here. I think it's all going to kick off with ExH, and I'm really not sure how to deal with it.

Was with ExH for 20 years and we have 2 dc. They are now 19 & 17, but they were 11 & 9 when we split. For context, I found out that he had been cheating with various girls for our entire relationship, and in the end I left him.

Whilst we were together, he was the main wage earner (after me going part time after dc), and all money was shared. But, when I left him, he really tried to screw me over on the money side. He said he couldn't afford to keep the family home (I took my share of equity), and he couldn't pay child support. I didn't cave in, and I made sure that he had to pay child support. Thank goodness I didn't cave on that, because shortly thereafter he moved a woman in with him and spent thousands on a new kitchen, new carpets throughout, new blinds, new car, foreign holidays etc, so his claims of being broke were lies.

Anyway, at first I'm sure that his child support payments were right (as I knew his salary), but as time wore on, according to the csa his salary was going down year on year, and so therefore did his child support. I queried this many times, but without proof of his salary, I was really powerless.

Several times, he stopped payment and the last time this happened (March this year), I texted to ask where it was (demeaning I know), got no reply, texted a week later, got no reply, and so opened a case with cms (the new version of the csa).

The cms have the ability to go direct to HMRC for salary info, and in the absence of any response from him about his salary, they did just that.

Turns out he earnt £132,500 in 2014 (so goodness knows what it is now). I made a complaint that the payments for previous years then have all been based on false info he has supplied....long story short, they have calculated now that he owes me almost £4k arrears.

I am earning about £25k and I buy my DD everything (DS is now off the case, as he's 19). ExH doesn't think he should pay any child support, because she stays at his 3 nights per week. He doesn't acknowledge that I pay for all her clothes/shoes/books/school trips/private tuition etc).

Anyway, the shit is going to hit the fan now. I know that he will go ape shit upon opening this letter about the arrears.

How do I deal with this? What do I say? I know that he will argue that I've had about £30k from him since our split, and that some months I will have had more then enough to cover dc expenses and that other months they may have needed a lot and maybe I didn't get enough, but these things all pan out in the long run.

He is very manipulative and passive aggressive. When I picked my DS up recently (from ExH home) to take him somewhere, ExH cornered me and said he wanted to be friends/please can I call off the csa...made it totally sound like I was the aggressor and he is the nice guy.

To make things worse, DD left school in May, and because there is now no routine (she goes to Uni in September), she is opting to stay at ExH house about 5 nights a week, as her friends live closer to him, so now he is playing that card. He still buys her nothing. He is taking her on holiday soon, and I will buy all that she needs for that.

How do I shut him down. I know he will text some shitty stuff to me tonight (if he does I will post it here).

Thanks for reading

whois Tue 19-Jul-16 20:51:26

Don't engage. They are only chasing for the MINIMUM he is obliged to pay by law.

Pilgit Tue 19-Jul-16 20:53:30

Just don't engage. He lied to a government agency and theyou had the power to find out the truth. I personally also wouldn't hide it from the children as after all its them he's financially holding out on. That money was to care for them not you.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 19-Jul-16 20:57:44

Don't engage. If you don't need the money, stick it in a saving account for Uni, wedding, car, whatever your children need in the future.

JenniferYellowHat1980 Tue 19-Jul-16 20:59:38

I wouldn't hide it from the DC either. I wish my DM had been open about the face that my dad didn't pay maintenance because I would've felt more confident in giving his criticism short shift.

JenniferYellowHat1980 Tue 19-Jul-16 21:00:12

I only found out when I asked her directly a couple of months before she died.

HuskyLover1 Tue 19-Jul-16 21:02:43

Thanks both. I really could strangle him. He will make out that I am being unreasonable and he always has me tied up in knots. I'm annoyed as well, because recently, I helped DS move into a rented flat, in a city that's not where ExH or I live. It was a shit hole. I spent about £400 on things to pretty it up. The flat is 4 floors up, with no lift, it was an exhausting day, carrying up all DS stuff (with DS help obvs)....found out at the end of the day that ExH had been up the road getting pissed with his mates. :-(

harderandharder2breathe Tue 19-Jul-16 21:03:34

Don't engage with him. He's brought it on himself by lying about his income.

Where DD spends her time now is surely irrelevant to past arrears?

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 19-Jul-16 21:04:08


Toocold Tue 19-Jul-16 21:06:33

Have I worked it out right that you have been split for eight years? 30k divided by 8 is just short of 4k a year, so 2k per child a year, divided by 12 is 166 pounds a month for each child on a huge salary, regardless of how many nights they've stayed there it's nothing really and he should be contributing, or should have. My dad screwed my mum over like this and it makes me so mad!

Toocold Tue 19-Jul-16 21:07:50

Stand your ground, he owes you, I'd also tell the children, they are old enough to know. Good luck

Hissy Tue 19-Jul-16 21:08:09

If your dd lives with him 5 days a week, he can buy her stuff for the holiday.. Goes without saying. Your dd is well old enough to take this baton from you.

Switch the phone OFF. He has NO right to say boo to you.

Just as she's able to get a job to help contribute

Hissy Tue 19-Jul-16 21:08:48

Ah, messed up my returns, please swap the last paras 😊

HuskyLover1 Tue 19-Jul-16 21:21:07

DD does have some work over the summer, but not a lot, as she leaves in about 7 weeks for Uni (3 hours away), so she's not hugely employable here at the mo.

Toocold we split in Aug 2008, I think he was paying the right amoutn for the first few years (I knew his salary), I think it started getting skewif around 2011. The case was opened with csa in Nov 2012, as he stopped paying and talking to me. They therefore can't go any farther back than Nov 2012.

HuskyLover1 Tue 19-Jul-16 21:24:25

It's very hard to talk to the dc about this. They love their Dad very much, and won't hear a bad word about him. They won't even believe he cheated on me. I only revealed that within the last year, when they were quizzing me, and they just won't hear it.

honeysucklejasmine Tue 19-Jul-16 21:29:04

I agree that where your dd chooses to spend her time now has fuck all to do with the money he owes you. It's arrears.

HuskyLover1 Tue 19-Jul-16 21:34:45

honeysucklejasmine that's a really good point, I hadn't even looked at it that way, thank you.

Hissy Tue 19-Jul-16 22:32:10

This is where the whole banging on about age appropriate truth comes in.

You should have been honest from the start. Why did you take the rap for the break up?

Show them the figures, stop supporting this unsubstantiated hero worship of someone who puts his own dick at the top of his list of priorities

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