to feel judged and dismissed for marrying into wealth?(232 Posts)
I know I am going to be flamed for this but oh well.. here it goes! I NC for this as I don’t want to risk to be recognized.
I recently got married to my DH after dating for over 5 years. We met while studying abroad and are originally from different countries and cultures. We now live in the UK.
DH’s family is very wealthy. Not “private jet and yacht” kind of wealthy but definitely several millions in the bank plus many properties in top-class cities like London, New York and so on.
We don't life off DH's family wealth and we don't intend to do so, however we could afford not to work if that was what we wanted. The only consistent advantage we have thanks to DH's family is that they gifted us a property to live in so we are mortgage and rent free. Otherwise, we pay for everything out of our earnings.
I come from a solid middle class background, dad is a doctor and mum is a uni professor. We always had a comfortable life and we certainly were privileged compared to most people, but absolutely nothing compared to DH’s family and upbringing.
So here’s my dilemma: even though I come from a comfortable background too, I feel like some people judge me for “marrying up” and I hate coming across as a gold digger! In fact, I’ve always been a very independent and strong woman, I work ft and I support myself. I married my DH entirely out of love.
For example a relative of mine casually dropped a comment last weekend about how lucky I am to have married my DH and that now I am set for life. A coworker recently told me (while discussing over lunch future performance review and salary raises) that I am so lucky for not really needing a salary raise since DH is so wealthy (we are close so she knows details about my life). For God’s sake! If my work performance is good, surely I deserve a salary as much as the next person
So my question is: AIBU to feel judged and dismissed as a woman who married into wealth?
Of course you aren't being unreasonable, but if it's reassuring you don't come across as grabby either
So take no notice! I know it's easier said than done, but anyone worth knowing will judge you for who you are, not what you have (and that works in vice versa scenarios)
Your work colleague overstepped the line too, being so personal...there are appropriate conversations to have at work and those that would go against your code of conduct. This is overstepping really.
I once had an in line manager say he was paying for my disabled daughter if you want to know how weird ppl are
Yanbu for marrying him but yabu to share details of his wealth and expect nobody to comment.
YANBU at all.
An Aunt of mine told me "you've landed on your feet, gal" at my wedding as DH is from a similar sort of background against my middle class childhood. It's been repeated several times. Fortunately I'm confident enough to let it go, but it rankles, definitely.
Sometimes I'm tempted to whisper "Oh no, I married him for his massive cock, not the money!" but DH would die of shame if I did.
Both of those comments were personal and over-familiar, but not dismissive. I mean, you ARE lucky to have access to wealth! Of course you are. Doesn't mean that you aren't fully capable in your own career, or that you deliberately targetted your husband because he's wealthy. But pretending that you're not lucky to be wealthy is a bit weird IMO.
If we didn't have a mortgage we'd be what I consider loaded.
I hope you're investing all that money they are saving you, otherwise I would personally judge you for being profligate.
Regarding salary your coworker is being a bit of a dick. But it's hard not to be jealous of people with money. So I think you will have to practice being gracious.
A lot of people just can't hide their jealousy around money. Seems to bring out the worst in them.
My own sister told me she didn't feel that sorry for the woman she works for. Her husband had been cheating on her for years, given her an STD and dumped her just before she was due to retire. Apparently, because the couple were comfortably off, the woman didn't have much of a right to be upset. What an odd way to think.
I often wonder, when people get rich and famous, if it's not so much they change but people around them change and then complain they aren't the same.
I say this as someone who has no money
YABU for sharing details of your life.
In a similar situation but I never tell anybody so I don't have to deal with this sort of crap
And if you genuinely think you have been denied a raise because of your private wealth, take it up with hr/employment tribunal. But yeah it's a bit weird your co-worker knows your dh is rich. How?
I don't think from what you have said above that you are being judged and dsimissed.
If someone was being a real cow and questioning your motives then it would be different.
I think in these situations the comments are perhaps thoughtless, but essentially harmless and there's no denying that having a house gifted and being able not to work should you so wish, is pretty lucky.
Not many people move in these super wealthy circles so it's unsurprising that they make some crass comments.
'A coworker recently told me (while discussing over lunch future performance review and salary raises) that I am so lucky for not really needing a salary raise since DH is so wealthy'
^^ To be honest I'd probably think the same. I just wouldn't vocalise it.
Whooooo I was at a group dinner and ended up sitting beside some one one who knew my DH but obviously didn't think much of him. (don't know why, DH is lovely). This here also made some sarky comments about DH family wealth.
I leaned across and whispered "actually I married him because he's bloody marvellous in bed. Is that why you're still single?"
<gets out worlds smallest violin>
Well if you have chosen to share details of his wealth with a colleague you can hardly blame them for commenting. I am not sure why they ever needed to know!
My mum earnt a fraction of what my dad earnt, so her wages were for fripperies really whereas for some of her colleagues they were the main breadwinner. My mum always knew that she was lucky and that the reality was that a pay rise did matter more to them than to her.
If you make your wealth publicly known you can hardly be surprised when people comment on it.
I come from a very wealthy family and my Grandmother has tasted fame. I rarely mention things about money
I'd think the same as your co-worker but I'd have kept quiet about it .
I'd stop worrying about it
Well if you are close so your colleague knows details of your life, it's not surprising really that she commented is it. I can't see anything judgy in what she said, it's just factual and a bit envious.
Stop going on about it - problem solved.
My coworker knows my DH is wealthy because she once asked me how we could afford to live in the very expensive area of town where we live.
She knew both DH's and my jobs were normal jobs that would not allow to rent or buy in that area.
So I told her that we were gifted the property by DH's family. She was very surprised and said DH's family must be ultra rich to be able to afford to buy in that area. I then just smiled because honestly I did not want to lie.
Since then she has mentioned DH's wealth several times (I ignored those comments) so I think she just assumes DH's family is rich.
Some people just can't get their heads around the idea that women earn their own money, contribute to a household income, and spend their own money. Look at the cries of horror here when people say they keep separate bank accounts from their partners and don't pool all their finances. I'm not sure the two sides can ever understand each other. Probably best to just not discuss it with people, then you can reserve the right to be horrified when they ask and tell them it's none of their business.
I bet it's difficult not mentioning the kind of wealth OP is talking about though, without coming across as massively aloof or closed about your home life. Imagine a conversation about holidays - you'd probably get asked where you were going, and if you were going to st lucia for two weeks or wherever, it'd be obvious how much that costs, and therefore how much your budget is. And it's difficult to be proper friends with people while having to lie all the time - and how then would they feel if they found out? I can see it being a tricky thing to navigate.
And I say this as someone who has not a huge amount more over the national average as a salary, and an OH on less, so very average money myself.
My coworker knows my DH is wealthy because she once asked me how we could afford to live in the very expensive area of town where we live
You don't have to answer any questions if you don't want to you know
My partners family are more wealthy than nine. Not massively so, but noticeable. I had never even thought about this issue until his cousin met a woman who comes from a family who is not as well off as them. There was a lot of "she wants to marry him for his money" etc around by the whole family(not DP and I), which made me wonder what they thought of me.
We don't life off DH's family wealth and we don't intend to do so, however we could afford not to work if that was what we wanted.
Am genuinely interested in this comment. Are you saying that if you both didn't want to work-your in laws would just pay for all your bills, holidays, clothes, food, kids etc forever?
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