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To wonder how you manage to be nice to someone you can't stand?

(18 Posts)
JumblyWumbly Mon 18-Jul-16 22:23:48

I have a group of 'mum' friends from my DD's school.

We regularly meet up for nights out or meals, or occasionally days out with the kids in tow.

I have realised more and more over the past couple of years that I can't stand one of the women, I'll call her Jenny for the purpose of this thread.

I dislike Jenny because she talks on and on all the time about herself and her (very minor) problems, and moans constantly. She also presents herself as a ditsy cutesy thing but says comments that are actually quite derogatory and insulting. She literally can't give a compliment or say anything nice; everything has an unpleasant sting to it.

I feel that Jenny homes in on me a bit and always makes comments about what I'm wearing. Things like "Oh you're brave wearing THAT" followed by a giggle. And whenever I have my hair done she always goes on about how she preferred it as it was before. If we eat out as a group she will always pick at me and tell me to eat more if I leave anything on my plate. It's embarrassing!

Obviously I've not mentioned disliking Jenny to any mutual friends and I don't plan to, and I do avoid her as much as I can but it's impossible to avoid her totally. She works part time in the local shop, I see her at the school, and when I am meeting the group of friends. It's impossible to cut her off totally and I think it would cause problems if I was totally off with her. However I am struggling a lot to be normal and warm towards her.

How can I act as though there is no problem? I don't want to not see the group of friends as I like the rest of them and love nights out etc as a group.

DailyFaily Mon 18-Jul-16 22:32:12

Don't act like there's no problem, face her down. When she says you're brave for wearing your outfit say 'Hardly brave, I wear what I look good in', when she goes on about your food say 'are you hinting that you want my leftovers?', when she says something about your hair say 'I think I'm the best judge of what looks good on me thanks'. She's doing it because she's insecure and it makes her feel better, in my experience as soon as you stand up to this sort of thing people back down quickly.

redpinkblue Mon 18-Jul-16 22:35:28

Agree with dailyfaily. Stand up to her

EsmeraldaEllaBella Tue 19-Jul-16 03:37:43

Yup call her on it

Maybe "what a strange thing to say to me"

Let us know what happens as I'm unable to take my own advice!

trafalgargal Tue 19-Jul-16 04:17:43

Whatever makes you think that
Oh you are funny
Well that's a bit rude

Anything that makes it clear what she thinks has no impact on you whatsoever

treaclesoda Tue 19-Jul-16 05:25:51

A slightly bemused sounding 'what do you mean? ' when she comments on your clothes should take the wind out of her sails.

Jenny is jealous of you, hence the sniping.

timeforabrewnow Tue 19-Jul-16 05:35:33

Oooo - some good comebacks here OP,

I particularly liked 'Are you hinting that you want some of my leftovers?'

Brilliant grin

Iamthegreatest1 Tue 19-Jul-16 05:40:31

Dailyfaily love your comebacks. I'll use some of these myself, I know someone exactly like OP describes.

369thegoosedrankwine Tue 19-Jul-16 05:53:36

Remember to be kind to the unkind people, they need it most.

Have a few comebacks and don't be a fool but it appears that she clearly has some issues. In my experience people like this are very insecure.

JustMarriedBecca Tue 19-Jul-16 05:57:41

I'd not. You'd come across as rude too and impact the group dynamic. I'd be overly nice. It sounds like she doesn't particularly like you (otherwise why comment?) and she'll find you being OVER nice even more irritating than if you were rude.

OliviaStabler Tue 19-Jul-16 06:08:22

I am another one saying stand up to her. You can deliver the comebacks very nicely but they will hit the spot with their message.

VioletBam Tue 19-Jul-16 06:09:33

She's a bully OP. That's all. You have to do as the others on here have said and stand up to her.

maggiethemagpie Wed 20-Jul-16 06:04:43

I always find subtly ignoring people like this is the way to go. not the extent that anyone else can really notice. but just enough to give her the message that you are really not interested in her or what she has to say. remember she wants a reaction. don't give her one.

PageStillNotFound404 Wed 20-Jul-16 06:14:22

In that scenario I've found the best response to be a simple "do you think so?" and then immediately move on to chatting to someone else. It acknowledges that a comment has been made (so you're not being rude by ignoring); implies you don't agree - especially as you can vary the tone of incredulity/dismissiveness/angle of raised eyebrows with which it's delivered - but doesn't engage further.

SaggyNaggy Wed 20-Jul-16 06:20:28

You could do all that or....
You could poke her in the eye with a stick.
Up to you op.

grin

Fadingmemory Wed 20-Jul-16 06:20:42

Make a list of comebacks and add to them as you think of them? However, the rest of the group will be used to her derogatory remarks though and not to your responding in kind. You may be "painted" as the grump. Perhaps better to ignore her and let the others judge even if they say nothing. But...

'You're brave wearing THAT.' Ans, 'I'm just brave'...

'Did you mean to sound so rude?'
'If you practice you could do stand-up.'
Are you having a bad day?
I'm glad you feel able to vent your unhappiness in such a safe environment.
Ooooh, you're hilarious (accompanied by much laughter)
I always look look forward to your wit.
We're so alike!
You're so quick, you never let anything go do you?
Do you feel better for that?

Dorothy Parker was ace when it came to put-downs. Google is your friend

DontDeadOpenInside Wed 20-Jul-16 06:32:45

saggynaggy grin

embo1 Wed 20-Jul-16 06:46:24

I'd stick with sounding confused and asking 'what do you mean?' every single time she says something like this. She won't be able to explain her mean comments and you won't have brought yourself down to her level, but will have drawn enough attention to it that other s may start to notice, or at least won't be able to ignore it as easily. She's taking her grumpyness out on you. Maybe she thinks it doesn't bother you and this would be a little jolt to make her reconsider these comments in future. If she's intentionally being mean, she can't carry on if you draw attention to it every time. Don't be afraid to make her feel uncomfortable in this way as she won't have a leg to stand on

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