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Visiting ILs Genuinely dont know if iabu?

(50 Posts)
Threeboysandus Mon 18-Jul-16 22:21:12

My Sil lives abroad , Not too far only 40 mins on flight. she has lived there for about 8 years and i have visited maybe 5 times (only once with my children). She is home about 3 times a year for over a week at a time so see her a lot.

She cant come home this summer and mil is putting pressure on me to visit. Dp has started new job so cant take any time off but i have 2.5 weeks off soon. Sil has only been home for two weeks about 6 weeks ago and it was full on because they were staying in our house (5 kids combined ). I havent had time off since xmas so was looking forward to having the time off with the dc's and said i might just head away down the country for a couple of days with my mum. Mil is seriously putting pressure on me though. started off by saying every couple of days how upset sil is that she cant come home this year and would i not go over for a few days.

I am a nervous flyer ad wouldnt fly with kids on my own so it would involve a ferry trip and 4 hours on train with three young kids! mil said again today would i really not consider visiting as i have so much time off work. She has offered to take my kids (which is a really generous offer i know) if i go alone. I just feel manipulated into it all.

Am I being really selfish? I just feel like we see so much of them during the year, i dont really want to spend my time off visiting them when i could be at home with the kids.

Firsttimer82 Mon 18-Jul-16 22:23:27

You are not selfish. Be firmer with MIL and spend some time with your Mum and kids.

maddy68 Mon 18-Jul-16 22:23:29

No you are not being selfish. You have seen her a few weeks ago. You are entitled to your own holiday spent however you wish as a family

BeansMcCready Mon 18-Jul-16 22:24:49

So SIL stayed with you six weeks ago for two weeks, and your MIL is asking you to go and see SIL because she can't come over this year? But she came over six weeks ago! YANBU

annandale Mon 18-Jul-16 22:27:31


My mum is a bit sadface about the small amount of time I spend seeing my brother (MASSIVELY less than you see your SIL BTW). I do see her point but at the same time I hate the flight, it costs a fortune and though I do love and respect him we are fairly different people. If we manage to eyeball each other every year I feel that is OK, though I'm perhaps a cold fish on family relationships. I just feel tired when Mum presses me to see him more, it's just tough, I have enough to deal with and I'm not sure he feels terribly bereft not seeing me.

Your dc deserve to have time when it's just their immediate family.

Threeboysandus Mon 18-Jul-16 22:27:45

I dont feel the need to see them as they have only just been but they are always back and forth that i never feel the need. In-laws point is if we visited then they wouldnt have to come back so often but i dont think thats a fair point because they are not just visiting us, they are home to see all friends and family. Our trip would be spend solely with them which i just dont really fancy. ITs not like dp and i are going anywhere else on holidays, we have only been to the country a few times with the kids.

Sil would have the many trips home plus a holiday abroad.

SmallBee Mon 18-Jul-16 22:28:49

Why can't MIL go if she's so bothered? If she's able to have your kids she must be free.
It's your holiday to spend how you like. I wouldn't go if I were you.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys Mon 18-Jul-16 22:30:11

"I've already made plans for my time off"

OldGuard Mon 18-Jul-16 22:30:19

Just say "no, that doesn't work for me/us" and repeat over and over until she stops asking

AddToBasket Mon 18-Jul-16 22:30:31

YANBU but be kind to MIL, she is just trying her best to keep her brood together. The offer to have DC was very generous, even if 7ou are going to say no.

Wolpertinger Mon 18-Jul-16 22:32:26

YANBU. Your priorities are 1) have time with your DP and kids and 2) have time with your mum. I'm not sure where SIL comes on this list but given you only saw her 6 weeks ago she prob doesn't feature at all.

Tell MIL it isn't happening and not to discuss it again.

2rebecca Mon 18-Jul-16 22:33:00

Why should you go and visit your husbands sister without your husband just because someone else thinks it's a good idea? You live your life your mil lives hers. She doesn't get an opinion on how you spend your holidays. Doesn't SIL have her own life to lead any way

StillCounting123 Mon 18-Jul-16 22:33:10

Does your SIL even want you to visit?! I think your MIL needs to butt out.

YANBU to not want to visit. Spend your time with your kids and enjoying your time off work.

Threeboysandus Mon 18-Jul-16 22:33:40

Like sil and I are close, we do get on really well. I just like my own space and im not a great traveller.

To be fair mil is back anf forth all the time. I didnt want to say just not to out myself but other sil also lives there and is home at the moment for 3 weeks so mil is spending time with her. They feel bad because other sil is left behind but ffs, its not my fault!

I just feel liek they expect people to visit them but they chose to move away, surely they cant dictate how often we visit!

SlightlyperturbedOwl Mon 18-Jul-16 22:35:30

YANBU at all. Tell your MIL that you are spending important quality time with your DCs as you rarely get any. smile

foursillybeans Mon 18-Jul-16 22:36:26

No. YANBU. You are putting your own DC first. You mr DM might be looking forward to your little trip too that you mentioned.

Lovewineandchocs Mon 18-Jul-16 22:40:28

Can't your DP tell your MIL firmly that it's not happening and to please stop going on about it? YANBU.

Threeboysandus Mon 18-Jul-16 22:44:35

Yes sil would love me to come. Thats why i feel so guilty. Dp wants to say something but i think it will cause awkwardness. i thought i had nipped it in the bud last week when i replied 'Im tired and i just want to relax at home for my holidays. If i decide to go, ill speak to sil about it' but no she started at me again today and then other sil started this afternoon. they can be very manipulating and try to dominate the family.

RandomMess Mon 18-Jul-16 22:51:18

I think you need to be firm "I know you are all disappointed but I am just not up to going away I need to recharge my batteries and spend chill out time with the DC" If they still don't drop it I would get your DH to tell them the same thing and inform them that they are upsetting you because you would have gone had you not been in desperate need to recharge yourself and spend down time with the DCs and that is your priority for your 2.5 weeks off.

2rebecca Tue 19-Jul-16 12:59:40

I find it bizarre that your husband's family think they get a say in how you spend your holidays. I would refuse to discuss future holiday plans or when you are off with them except for telling SIL if she asks that you will not be visiting her as it's not convenient.
I'd find the controlling behaviour really irritating though and would avoid them all or tell them to butt out of my life and concentrate on their own. Make it clear you won't be manipulated.

KatharinaRosalie Tue 19-Jul-16 13:05:34

You saw her 6 weeks ago! MIL is totally U planning your holiday. I would tell her firmly that thanks, but you want to spend quality time with your children. If she thinks her own child needs to see more of her relatives, she and other SIL can go spend time with first SIL.

Lovewineandchocs Tue 19-Jul-16 13:17:41

I'd actually book a break now with your kids and your own mum. You can say firmly that this is what you are doing with your holidays.

akkakk Tue 19-Jul-16 13:20:53

sometimes one family member has an idealised vision of how they would like to see others in the family - and they don't stop to consider whether all share that vision - particularly cross-generational. I wonder whether your MIL feels that she wants all her chicks together / in constant contact - maybe in her mind your spending time with your SIL is validation for her in having raised a close family... She simply isn't seeing it from the other perspective(s) and is forgetting that families change as children grow up!

AcrossthePond55 Tue 19-Jul-16 14:18:29

"but other sil also lives there and is home at the moment for 3 weeks so mil is spending time with her. They feel bad because other sil is left behind but ffs, its not my fault!"

So your MiL is currently where her two daughters live and she wants you to visit one of them so she doesn't feel bad about excluding her from activities she's doing with the other one?

My eyeballs are rolling so hard I now have a headache. YA soooo NBU!

2rebecca Tue 19-Jul-16 14:36:28

Is your MIL in the other country with SILs 1 and 2? if so are they hassling you by phone not in person? If so stop answering the phone and let it got to answer machine or your husband can answer and chat to them. If you speak to them make it clear no visits are going to happen full stop. Then change the subject/ invent a reason you can't talk any more and put the phone down.

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