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To feel so bothered about this..

(23 Posts)
viviennewestood Mon 18-Jul-16 21:30:22

My ex and father of our 2 year old dd told me at the weekend that he doesn't want a relationship because 'women are too much hassle' but he needs to get on tinder because he needs to fulfil his need for sex. Why on earth would he say this to me and then not understand when I was shocked at him doing so?

I've used tinder in the past to go on actual dates, never mentioned them to him and never felt the need to. He asked me if I had been on it and I didn't deny it and he said that I'm a mug for believing that anyone I'd met on there didn't just want to use me for sex.

I'm so pissed off.

HarryPottersMagicWand Mon 18-Jul-16 21:39:21

Why? It's nothing to do with you now. Why would you feel bothered by what he does? Sounds like he is trying to get a rise out of you and it's working.

VeryBitchyRestingFace Mon 18-Jul-16 21:39:59

Can't believe you're not together anymore. Your loss is clearly the world's gain, OP.

Just nod and smile. smile

Noonesfool Mon 18-Jul-16 21:41:37

He's a tit. Sounds like he's trying to get a rise out of you.
Nod and smile

Noonesfool Mon 18-Jul-16 21:41:50

Ha. X post

viviennewestood Mon 18-Jul-16 22:21:21

It's not that easy to just nod and smile though. We have a child together and I feel like he's disrespecting me and being a complete twat. I just can't not be angry with him.

LuluJakey1 Mon 18-Jul-16 22:24:13

Yes you can.

hownottofuckup Mon 18-Jul-16 22:26:17

He set the whole thing up just to try and make you feel foolish and undesirable as he's scared if you moving on.
Don't let it work! Just ignore him.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Mon 18-Jul-16 22:30:41

You have a child together but you're not together - so he can't disrespect you. He may be a complete twat but again, your not together. Let him be an arsehole, it's him that will suffer.

do you still have feelings for him? If this is bothering you, it would suggest there might still be something there. Be kind to yourself, if that is the case, and avoid any contact that isn't absolutely necessary. Definitely don't spend more than a few minutes of your time with him. He's just trying to make himself feel better by provoking a reaction.

BestZebbie Mon 18-Jul-16 22:36:17

You might feel bothered because he has implied that
1) You were 'hassle', eg: undermining/rewriting legitimate requests for his contribution to the relationship etc
2) all he actually requires from a woman is sex, therefore anything else you shared together as part of a relationship (like laughing together, bearing his child...) had no value to him
3) women on tinder are only there for men to select for casual sex (eg: like prostitutes, but not even getting paid) and then laughed at you to imply that you have been basically walking round in public with a sign saying that pointing to you without realising.
4) He is assuming that he will always be able to get as much casual sex as he wants through Tinder, on demand, presumably because he is god's gift, again minimising your significance to his life

Not that surprised you didn't take it well! (Which I'm sure was the point).

viviennewestood Mon 18-Jul-16 22:43:58

BestZebbie you've just worded how I feel better than I ever could. Thank you.

PersianCatLady Mon 18-Jul-16 23:13:45

he needs to fulfil his need for sex
This statement that he made would make me think that he was trying to ask you in a roundabout way whether you would want to let him have sex with you on a completely no-strings attached basis.

AdjustableWench Tue 19-Jul-16 00:44:37

Or... he found your profile on Tinder and wanted to wind you up a bit.
Maybe I'm a suspicious person (I'm not usually) but that would be my first thought!

viviennewestood Tue 19-Jul-16 10:10:01

I'm no longer on tinder so he wouldn't have found my profile. He's tried it on with me a few times and when I've refused he acts offensive and insults me.

AdjustableWench Tue 19-Jul-16 15:02:20

When a man says he thinks women are too much hassle except for casual sex, I tend to assume it's because he is too immature to participate in an adult relationship. And I also tend to assume he's not very good at sex either.

However, from what you say, he's sexually harassing you. You should keep a record of this kind of behaviour and consider reporting it if it continues.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 19-Jul-16 15:09:12

I walked into our place just after splitting up with exH and he was asleep, slumped in a chair. I thought, "you aren't my problem any more". It was incredibly liberating and the start of my being happy.

You need to disengage. Try a few stock phrases...

"Not my circus..."
"Wherever floats your boat"
"Umm okaaaay, anyway..."

Repeat until they are what you think.

WhereYouLeftIt Tue 19-Jul-16 16:25:05

"He set the whole thing up just to try and make you feel foolish and undesirable as he's scared of you moving on."

^^ This. And what BestZebbie said. He is indeed a tit.

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF Tue 19-Jul-16 16:38:15

Yep. BestZebbie and MrsTerryPratchett are spot on. Disengage. It truly is a wonderful moment when it happens. My ex used to talk about how he is 'only really sexually attracted' to girls in their twenties. We are both early forties. Killed me for a while. This weekend, I happened to glance over at him flicking through his phone, and for the first time in three months, instead of thinking 'love of my life', I thought 'utter prick'. It truly was momentous! Never believed people who told me 'it gets better' but it bloody does. Shrug him off.

LuluJakey1 Tue 19-Jul-16 20:25:03

It does not matter what he thinks. You have moved on. Don't look back. Detach, detach detach mentally. Who gives a fuck what he thinks? He sounds like a saddo.

viviennewestood Tue 19-Jul-16 20:47:23

You're right. I need to detach myself and stop giving a fuck about what he says/thinks/does. I genuinely pity his next girlfriend if he behaves the same way with her as he did with me. He says I won't find any better than him and I believed him like a fool. I'm not interested in dating right now but when the time comes I'm pretty sure that won't be an issue.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 19-Jul-16 20:59:53

Fake it til you make it. Acting disinterested is well on the way to being disinterested.

mypropertea Tue 19-Jul-16 21:11:05

Love that in his tiny mind you couldn't possibly be on there for sex as men are too much hassle!

toadgirl Tue 19-Jul-16 21:15:41


Just loved your analysis!

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