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To think my mum should put my mental stability before her feelings?

(17 Posts)
Psychomumsucks Mon 18-Jul-16 17:22:41

Something happened from i was around 9 til 18 that involved her husband, i told her on numerous occaisions but she always made me feel as if i was lying so i told her i was. At one point id told her again, I was 18 and she kicked me out calling me a liar and chose him over me, again around xmas time i was so cold and needed to get back in the house as i couldnt get my own place, she said if i said i was lying i could come back in but was under very strict rules and had to pay my way, fair enough.

Come February i still couldnt get anywhere to live so i moved across water to live with my dad, long story short he took what money i had and got violent, police were called and he was arrested. Lived with his mum for a while (they dont get on, hes been violent to her) I move into my great aunts spare room (beautiful woman and extremely kind) i met my now fiance and we have two girls.

When i was pregnant with my first my mum moved over as she had left her husband, told me she believed me etc so she stayed with us in my partners place.

So she a few years later after her husband was over visiting their daughter he dies, says they were going to be getting back together and him moving there, that got me fuming as i had a young child and pregnant i would never my kids near her while he was there even though she thinks its fine.

Shes always telling me stuff about him or bringing him up and im tired of it, she says she believes me but then says she doesnt know what to think because she wasnt there... and she cant deal with it and im being selfish for needing her to talk to me about it, then she calls me a slut or someother name claims i begged him for it and im jealous of her then talks to me after a few days as if all is fine. Im tired of constantly trying to explain to her that for me talking about will do good according to her there is no point as she wasnt there...

tofutti Mon 18-Jul-16 17:27:40

She is tearing you apart, OP. flowers

Are they back together?

Please put these people behind you and concentrate on your DH and beautiful girls.

I think you are trying to talk to your mum about it because you haven't got closure on what happened. Would you consider telling the police?

Psychomumsucks Mon 18-Jul-16 17:40:04

No point going to the police as he has been dead a year, i was going to go to the police when i was 18 and she had kicked me out, but she told everyone what i had said and convinced a lot that i was lying then she convinced me i shouldnt for my sisters sake who was only 8 at the time. When my mate did it all backfired and he got let off as he had tried to touch her. I wasnt allowed to be friends anymore and it scared me into keeping quiet. I worry that no one will believe me if my own mum doesnt.

2nds Mon 18-Jul-16 17:43:26

OP please look into historical abuse. Your mother seems mentally unstable and has gone from one abuser to another herself.

LineyReborn Mon 18-Jul-16 17:45:44

I believe you.

Your mother sounds very seriously unhinged in a damaging way, and I think you are justified in the closing the door on her for good.

I think you will benefit from talking to a good counsellor, if you set that in motion through your GP. flowers

Sciurus83 Mon 18-Jul-16 17:54:58

I believe you too. Your mum isn't stable and seems like a very volatile person to have in your life. I think speaking to a professional with experience dealing with abuse about the impact that all this has had on you would be a good thing. I don't think cutting her out of your life would be unreasonable at all from what you have described here, if that was what you decided was best for you. Sending you lots of hugs and flowers x

Psychomumsucks Mon 18-Jul-16 17:58:41

Liney, im trying to get a counsellor sorted, i had an appointment but no respite for our youngest so couldnt make it, now im waiting to be referred again and if need be taking our youngest with me. 2nds, Ive asked her about has anything happened to her and she said no, this is before i told her about what her husband was doing to me.

Psychomumsucks Mon 18-Jul-16 18:02:50

Ive tried cutting her out, but wont stop my oldest seeing her as she loves her nanny (shes always spoilt her and is always patient and calm with her) and thrn she always worms her eay back in and i end up forgiving until it kicks off again. My partner is fed up with her and refuses to acknowledge her which means i always get crap from her about it, i dont blame him and wish i could do the same. I need thr break she sometimes gives me from or eldest especially with a sick child in the house.

ladybagpuss Mon 18-Jul-16 18:07:13

I believe you OP.

That sounds so very tough. I hope you can make counseling as I'm sure that will really help.

Your mother sounds like she's trying to be in denial - meaning I think she knows deep down the truth but can't admit it to you or herself. The way she has treated you and that she calls you names etc. shows she's unstable about it and also selfish. I think sometimes it's hard to do with family but you need to think about closing the door to her as others have said. I'm sure counseling will help you work through these issues. Can you give them a nudge re your appointment? All the best and be kind to yourself flowers

ladybagpuss Mon 18-Jul-16 18:09:08

^^ Sorry, didn't see that about your child etc. That complicates it obviously. I'm sure someone else will be along soon with more experience to help.

Psychomumsucks Mon 18-Jul-16 18:44:58

Thank you, you know what just hearing that im not in the wrong to find her selfish helps dramatically, yes my youngest is complicated bless her but hopefully fingers crossed next month she wont need nurses every now and again and taking her out will be easier lol

Psychomumsucks Mon 18-Jul-16 18:46:54

I think i may have to close the door even if not fully to begin with, the only way to cut her out completley will be to stop my eldest seeing her, i hope she can forgive me and i hope my siblings dont believe what she says about mr and still want to talk to me once they move out.

QueenArseClangers Mon 18-Jul-16 19:26:39

I believe you flowers

Please go over to the Relationships board, there's sooooo much support and advice plus people who have been in similar situations.

DeadGood Mon 18-Jul-16 19:31:28

I believe you.
It doesn't sound like your mother is ever going to be what you want and need her to be.
I'm sorry OP, you sound lovely. Best of luck with your little family x

Psychomumsucks Wed 20-Jul-16 09:59:14

How do i go onto relationships? Is there a way to move it or do i just make a new post?

Lucyccfc Wed 20-Jul-16 10:14:43

I believe you and I am so sorry this has happened to you. (I could have written your post).

I had counselling and it really did help. My DS, who is 11 still see's his Nanna, but I have more or less gone NC with her. When I do have to see her, I just say 'hello' and that's it. It has made my nice far less stressful and I am a lot happier not having to see her and put up with her selfish ways.

Good luck with the future counselling xxx

DesignedForLife Wed 20-Jul-16 10:16:41

If you report the post you can ask MN to move it to relationships.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through, and that the person who you should get most support from hasn't been there for you. It sounds like she's in total denial, and pretty unhinged. I personally think you'd be best keeping her at arms length and at least for now not discussing the issue with her - I don't think she's going to help you work through what happened at this point in time.

As others have said, focus on your lovely DH and kids, and keep pushing for counseling flowers

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