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I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place

(74 Posts)
ihatebeingstuck Sun 17-Jul-16 21:13:11

Posting here for traffic, I'm feeling pretty desperate tonight.

A bit of background: me and "d"p have a 3 year old and a 7 year old. I used to love my dp and thought he would make an amazing father. We had been together a long time. After our first child was born he quickly showed that he had no patience and I ended up doing everything with dd alone. I remember when she was 5 weeks old and I wanted him to try her with a bottle of expressed milk one night as I was getting about two hours sleep a night, she wouldn't take it and he was shouting at her it's this or nothing stop being spoilt, he had no patience at all and wanted to leave her hungry for the rest of the night. I fed her and never asked him for help again. Fast forward 4 years and I was enjoying motherhood and me and dp wanted dd1 to have a sibling. My pregnancy was hard and even though he was desperate for this baby and said he would change and help he did nothing. I had a c section and he had two weeks off work and he did nothing. When I came out of hospital he went to bed and left me with dd1 and a baby to look after, he said he was worn out after looking after dd1. I was so upset. Visitors noticed how he treated me, he even asked me to make him lunch and kept saying he was on holiday from work! I wanted to leave there and then but recovering from a c section and no where to go I was stuck. Over the last 3 years I have been a stay at home mum as he works a 60 hour week so all childcare, sickness etc falls on me. I don't mind and I enjoy being a stay at home mum. But how he treats our children and me has killed my love for him.

For example when I was sick he let our then 2 and 6 year old play in the street riding there bikes while he sat inside playing on his phone. So I had to go and sit outside even though I was sick. He doesn't supervise the kids at all, he leaves the cleaning cupboard open with chemicals in, the knife draw open without the safety catch on, he forgets to feed DC at meal times, doesn't strap them in properly in the car so I have to re do it, doesn't put their bike helmets on properly, gives the youngest boiling hot food, these are just some of the things he has done, luckily I am always there to jump in. He is also selfish with money and doesn't like to spend it on the DC. We are OK financially but the DC have to go without things like cinema trips, they don't have many clothes etc. He resents buying school uniform. I scrimp and save out of the grocery money so they have the essentials.

I have wanted to leave him for a long time, I hate to see how he is with the DC. But I am too scared to leave because then he will have them on his own. I feel like I have to stay with him to protect them from his dangerous driving and all the other things mentioned above. That's right he gets angry with other drivers and tries to race them with me and the DC in the car, luckily not at high speed but it is bad enough, he also cuts them up which I think is dangerous. At the moment i try to make sure we hardly ever go in the car with him, we eat on our own, and spend time in other parts of the house playing or cleaning when he is off work. We hardly ever do anything as a family as he is always working and that suits me. Is this the best I can hope for, trying to keep me and the DC out of his way because I can't bear to watch how he parents? I stand up to him infront of the DC and now they have no respect for him and will not do as he says. I just wish I could get up and walk out with the DC. But I feel stuck as I wouldn't want to put them through access with this selfish man. What can I do, does anyone have any suggestions? I feel trapped and am so miserable.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Sun 17-Jul-16 21:20:49

I am very sorry to hear this. I do think you would be happier if you left him. I realise the issue with his parenting, though - would he even want contact with his children if that's how he treats them? Do you have anywhere to go - your parents' house, or similar?

Msqueen33 Sun 17-Jul-16 21:25:05

It really sounds like you're better off without him. Have you anywhere you can go? Any support?

ihatebeingstuck Sun 17-Jul-16 21:28:47

No I have no where to go, no family to help, no money, no job, no one to help look after DC. He would want contact just to be spiteful, he likes to act like he is super dad to his family and friends.

Nocabbageinmyeye Sun 17-Jul-16 21:30:34

Oh God he sounds horrible, you and your dc definitely sound like you would be much happier without him. Do you have family that you could turn to? I understand what you are saying about him being alone with them, to be honest though by the sounds of him I'm not sure if he would bother with them at all, do you?

ihatebeingstuck Sun 17-Jul-16 21:30:51

The contact is the only thing that scares me. I could cope without much money it would be worth it to be happy again. But I couldn't be happy wondering how the DC are everytime he had access.

ihatebeingstuck Sun 17-Jul-16 21:33:10

In one year time my youngest starts school so I could get a job and leave, but that doesn't solve the access. He is the sort of person who would want to take them on holidays abroad (to show his family what a good parent he is) I just couldn't cope with that. But I don't like being with him it's killing me inside, I just want my own relaxing happy home with my DC.

ihatebeingstuck Sun 17-Jul-16 21:34:25

I feel so trapped.

zippyswife Sun 17-Jul-16 21:34:39

I am in a similar position. And I don't know what to do either. flowers for you.

VictoriaRoses Sun 17-Jul-16 21:35:34

Sounds like my husband flowers

Dontyoulovecalpol Sun 17-Jul-16 21:37:29

I think, honestly, you'll have to accept that he'll be looking after them alone, he is their father after all. I can understand your worry but that's not a reason to stay with him when you're so unhappy. Your children are older now and not entirely vulnerable to his lack of care as a small baby would be.

ihatebeingstuck Sun 17-Jul-16 21:38:19

Oh I'm so sorry zippyswife and victoriaroses. Do you also stay because you are scared of your husband having the kids alone?

ihatebeingstuck Sun 17-Jul-16 21:41:46

dontyoulovecalpol at the moment I feel I would rather be unhappy than risk my DC safety. I can't stand the thought of him driving reckless with them in the car, leaving a top floor window open where my 3 year old was playing and could climb out (like he did today) etc

zippyswife Sun 17-Jul-16 21:44:41

Yes. There's a number of reasons why I stay but trusting him alone with them is certainly up there. It's a sad old situation. I don't imagine I'll ever leave.

ihatebeingstuck Sun 17-Jul-16 21:46:52

zippyswife how do you cope with staying? Do you think you would leave when the DC are older? I keep trying to think of a suitable age that the DC could look out for themselves, maybe 16?? But the thought of living a lie until then kills me inside.

Naicehamshop Sun 17-Jul-16 21:47:01

I completely understand how you feel OP - what a nightmare.

The only thing I can think of is that in a few years time they will both be school age and much less vulnerable than they are now. In the mean time would it be possible to make it a condition of access that he doesn't take them in a car, for example (I have no idea if that would be possible or not). Or could you insist that someone else - MIL? - is with them when he sees them??

MonicaLewinskisFlange Sun 17-Jul-16 21:47:33

OP, I share the same concerns as you about leaving my DH.

He loves our LO, is not deliberately negligent, just thoughtless, selfish, impatient, angry and lazy. This means he makes bad choices, never puts DC first, ignores needs and routines, doesn't bother to do anything properly, and takes the easy option every time.
I can leave LO with him for an hour. No more. Whilst he watches telly as LO plays around him. I could get him to change a nappy or make lunch if I set it all out beforehand, but would come home to a mess.

When the time comes, I'm thinking of putting conditions on access. Either it's at my home for short periods, or he childproofs his place to my satisfaction, and goes to anger management sessions. Otherwise I'll push for supervised access in a contact centre. I don't think this will go down well. Also I think I will still have to rely on him for an hour of childcare a day, so I can keep my job, so not sure how it will all work out.

I've read that standard access is one night midweek and every other weekend , providing there is no abuse. In my case there is. God only knows how DH would cope with that amount of responsibility. Maybe he will step up finally and be a good father. Maybe we will stick to shorter more frequent visits.
Good luck OP. Don't let him trap you for much longer.

Redorwhitejusthaveboth Sun 17-Jul-16 21:50:10

Whatever you decide to do get all of these concerns recorded somewhere - gp, school nurse, health visitor etc if you decide to go then it will support your case that there is a genuine issue that has history - rather than it appearing like you are just trying to block contact. On top of that make sure everyone is aware - your family, his family, friends - that his inability to properly care for the children is a real thing

Hereforthebeer Sun 17-Jul-16 22:00:38

I'm sorry to hear this. I know if it was me i would stay for the DCs too...
Make a log of all events. Dates, times, day you may need it.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Sun 17-Jul-16 22:08:15

I am horrified that so many posters are in the same boat. My heart goes out to you all. A pp's suggestion of documenting it all is a good one - as is reporting anything to HVs etc if you can. Would Women's Aid be able to help at all?

ihatebeingstuck Sun 17-Jul-16 22:11:32

I am shocked there are so many of us. Maybe we could set up a support thread? I have no one in real life to talk to, I've tried to talk to my parents but they are not interested sad they have never been an emotional support but it still hurts that they know I live like this but will not help me sad

ihatebeingstuck Sun 17-Jul-16 22:12:25

I will see if I can keep a log of events, I'm a bit worried he might find it though.

ihatebeingstuck Sun 17-Jul-16 22:19:49

monica are you planning to leave in the future? Are you waiting until your little one is older? I'm so sorry to hear you are in a similar situation flowers

Lorelei76 Sun 17-Jul-16 22:26:48

OP the boiling food thing rings a bell, did you post before?
Is it with getting advice to see if he could on,y be allowed supervised access?

Lorelei76 Sun 17-Jul-16 22:27:55

Also will he even want access? He certainly wouldn't be the first crap parent to refuse it after realising it involves actual parenting.

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