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To think they are a bit young for this?

(71 Posts)
Mollypollywolly Sun 17-Jul-16 17:35:03

I'm fully prepared to be told iabu. Just wanting other people's views.

My son met his girlfriend 3 years ago when he was 17 and she was 16 so now they are 19 and 20. He told me last night that he was planning to propose to her.

I talked to him for a while about it and said I can't stop him and I will be happy for him but I feel like he might be too young and maybe unprepared for what comes after. Ideally I think they should look to living together for a while before a life long and expensive commitment like marriage so they can experience really being together in their own home. Sometimes relationships fall to pieces when you start living together.

His plan is to save now for the ring and propose in Feb next year on the date they first met so he does still have 6 months to think about it. They will still both be 19 and 20 though.

They are very happy together and I think she is a very lovely girl, me, my partner and my other son have a great relationship with her and from what I hear my sons dad and his family adore her too. I would love her to be my daughter in law.

Before anyone jumps on to say any of these things, this isn't anything to do with me trying to control my son or not liking his girlfriend and I personally don't see this as being overly involved in his life.

HairySubject Sun 17-Jul-16 17:37:46

They may plan a long engagement and move in together in the meantime?

I understand your concrens though. My brother and his girlfriend got together very young, still in school and bought a house together after 10 years, moved in and they split up 6 months later! Nightmare.

hownottofuckup Sun 17-Jul-16 17:40:24

It may be a mistake, but it is their mistake to make.
Obviously your relationship with his DF didn't work out which perhaps is making you more cautious?

Ginmakesitallok Sun 17-Jul-16 17:42:08

I got engaged to dp when I was 19 - we'd been together 3 months... 23 years later we're still together, and not married yet.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sun 17-Jul-16 17:44:43

Encourage a long engagement with living together before marriage. He's only risking the cost of a ring, his broken heart if they separate is far more valuable.

I know a bloke who proposed on the first date, woman accepted on the third date and they've been happily married for nearly 40 years. My own parents married at 20 and 21, still married 36 years later.

TurtleEclipseofTheHeart Sun 17-Jul-16 17:48:40

I think it is a bit young, and that living together first would be sensible. Perhaps you could say how much you like her and think they are a good couple but that in your opinion living together in rented accommodation before marriage would be wise. Perhaps he could ask her on their anniversary and save a proposal for the following anniversary? But also tell him you support him either way and in no way want to discourage the relationship or an eventual proposal, if it still feels right after living together.

Kwirrell Sun 17-Jul-16 17:59:06

Just because they are getting engaged does not mean they won't live together and wait a while before they marry. My daughter was engaged for 14 years before she married my SiL.

I am approaching my Golden Wedding, so perhaps I am biased toward young marriages. All three of my children met their partners in their 20s and are all still married.

firawla Sun 17-Jul-16 18:01:12

I think yabu, they've been together 3 years so it's not a new relationship. Dh and I got engaged at 17&18 and married at 18&19 - now 11 years later we're still happily married, sometimes younger marriages can work out well. I think it's best just to support them in it and hopefully they will make a success of it. It's okay to tactfully give your view, which you have done, but if he wants to go ahead despite that I would be wary of showing too much disapproval about it as you might just push them away

DoWhat123 Sun 17-Jul-16 18:04:02

I think it is ok, although I would also have some concerns especially regarding jobs and education. They are adults at the end of the day and in my family everyone married young and it worked out!

Sometimes it's nice to do all your 'firsts' together - first good job, first apartment, first home, first animal, first child, etc. Although it can be a risk at them being immature, it also can build a very strong relationship if they are willing to make it work. You can help with that as you will be gaining a daughter who will look up to you very much.

EarthboundMisfit Sun 17-Jul-16 18:09:34

I understand your concern. I think you've handled it well. Leave him to think about it now.

scaryteacher Sun 17-Jul-16 18:12:07

I was 19 when we got engaged, 20 when we got married (though dh is almost 5 years older than me), and we have been together 31 years, married for 30 this year. It can work.

Ohlalala Sun 17-Jul-16 18:12:14

I agree it feels young to get engaged but your son sounds sensible and it doesn't look like a rash decision. Some people twice their age will rush into getting engaged and it won't work out, so maybe you shouldn't look at it from an age-perspective. Hopefully everything will go well and as someone said, it's his mistake to make and learn from if it doesn't work out. Also bear in mind that you voicing your concerns may (depending on your relationship with your son) cause tensions and probably wouldn't change his mind anyway.

80sMum Sun 17-Jul-16 18:13:41

Let them make their own decisions. You can't do anything to stop them anyway. It may be that in a few years time they grow apart and realise it was a mistake to get married. On the other hand, they might be happy together for the next 70 or 80 years!

Life's a bit of a gamble after all. None of us knows how things will turn out. That's part of the adventure! smile

QueenOfTheWhiteWalkers Sun 17-Jul-16 18:17:30

I think you're right to be concerned, they are young, but it does sometimes work out.

I met DH when I was 16, moved in with him straightaway, and engaged after 3 months. We were engaged for 4 years before getting married when I was 21. It's our 17th wedding anniversary next week and we've been together for 21 years.

I do think it's a good idea for them to live together first though. They need to get the intimacy that only comes from living together before getting married to make sure it is the right thing for them.

80sMum Sun 17-Jul-16 18:17:55

Me too, scaryteacher! I met DH when I was 16, got engaged at 18 and married at 20. Been married 38 years. My father said it wouldn't last!

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Sun 17-Jul-16 18:18:33

If he is planning a long engagement, he should explain that to his girlfriend.

My brother proposed to his girlfriend in his twenties planning a long engagement but she immediately turned into a crazed wedding planner, looking at venues and compiling a wedding folder. Her mum helped with the wedding planning, her dad offered to pay for most of it and they were married very quickly.

They're now divorced and in hindsight my brother admits he was a bit steam rollered into having a big wedding very soon after the engagement and wishes he'd waited.

ExtraHotLatteToGo Sun 17-Jul-16 18:21:35

I think you've done & said the right things (well, I presume you told him how much you like her?!) and all you can do now is leave them to it.

I'd be encouraging him/them to 'live a little' though, go to festivals, travel, follow their individual dreams etc. As so often 'settling down & playing house' too young means you miss out on those things & either resent it later or split up to have the fun that should have been had earlier.

Congrats to all of you for whom it worked out for though 💐

Paulat2112 Sun 17-Jul-16 18:21:59

YABU lots of people don't live together until they are married smile plus they move move in together once they are engaged. I don't think they are too young at all. I was about a similar age when i got engaged but didn't get married until i was 25.

carabos Sun 17-Jul-16 18:22:20

I worked with a young woman who could have been the woman in this scenario. She used to say that yes, they were young, but they loved each other, wanted to grow up, and grow old, together and wanted to have children at the beginning of their life together. Sounded both romantic and well thought-out.

I was married at 22 and divorced at 27 myself...

serin Sun 17-Jul-16 18:23:53

Agree with the other posters that it can work. I have friends who have known each other all their lives, started going out together at 14! married at 17 and are still together 30 years later.

It doesn't have to be a fantastically expensive wedding, or maybe they will just be engaged a long time!

I think it's lovely that he is talking to you about it, he obviously values your opinion.

Meow75 Sun 17-Jul-16 18:29:53

This is almost the same as DH and I except we got engaged on the first anniversary of our relationship. We'd got together during VIth Form in the Feb, and I went off to uni that October. Long distance relationship for another 3 1/2 years. Married for 18 years next month, and just as much in love as ever.

Give your son the benefit of the doubt, as someone else said, an engagement doesn't mean immediate wedding, and they may decide to live together whilst engaged.

marblestatue Sun 17-Jul-16 18:29:59

Sounds like they are happy and well suited, you and your family like her, you'd even love to have her as a DIL, and they've been together long enough to know they'd like to get married. As others have said, not everyone lives together before getting married. It isn't that long ago since it was quite normal to marry young, and I can't see any real problem here. Yes, they are young, but the signs are all good. You've told your son your thoughts, and now it's time to take a step back (and start looking for a new hat wink)

Mollypollywolly Sun 17-Jul-16 18:30:14

Thank you all for your opinions.

So happy for all of you who married young and are still with that person. That's everyone's dream isn't it, you lucky fuckers. grin

He knows I think the world of her, we do lots of things together just me and her and she is treated like part of the family.

They are both very sensible and I know they won't make any silly or rushed decisions so I should probably just sit back and relax but I can't help but worry sometimes.

PokemonGo Sun 17-Jul-16 18:33:24

Despite all the posters who have had successful long term relationships that started when they were young I would have concerns I'v one of my DC got so serious so young. I'm not saying it can't work (I moved in with DH when I was 18 and we are still very happy 33 years later) I just don't see the rush to get married. It seems a bit silly. I'd encourage them to take their time, live together and save up some money. Statistically it's a rubbish idea to marry young.

originalmavis Sun 17-Jul-16 18:34:35

My sister met her husband when she was 16 (he was 18) and they married when she was 21. Absolutely perfect couple, made for each other - even after almost 40 years.

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