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Not letting DD (9) play out?

(49 Posts)
QueenOfTheWhiteWalkers Sun 17-Jul-16 16:41:25

Figured I'd put this here as I actually am wondering if AIBU.

We live in an incredibly bad area, it's pretty much a ghetto. Trying to move but it's nigh on impossible.

A month or so ago I let dd play out in the close pretty much because she was begging me. She's a complete social butterfly and makes friends wherever she goes. Unlike me, DH and dd1 (13) who are all introverts and avoid people as much as possible.

She made lots of friends and was having a great time playing out even though my heart was in my mouth the whole time. The kids she's made friends with are all roughly the same age as her and are pretty nice kids. But they all started hanging out with older teenagers playing rough and tumble games and the inevitable happened and dd got hurt. Came home crying and said she kept telling the boy (who was 13) to stop cos he was hurting her but he kept laughing and carried on.

This worried me obviously and they had started playing on all the bits of fly-tipped rubbish that is scattered around the close. It was reminiscent of the childhoods both DH and I had playing out in the shitty wastelands of Toxteth. And also of DSD who played out constantly (in the same area we're in now) and ended up getting caught up with the wrong crowd, stopped listening to us and obeying rules and ended up having something pretty bad happening to her. She's fine now and an adult but it has effected the course of her life and where she's ended up.

We decided to stop her playing out from then on and explained why in age appropriate terms. She accepted what we said, but on days like today when is hot and sunny and all her friends are playing out having water gun fights and she's standing at the window watching them. It makes me feel so guilty. She complains of being bored hmm and asks if she can please play out.

It's making me wonder if we made the right decision? It's not like she's been stuck in all day we have been the park with the dog. But as soon as she gets back she sees her friends playing and wants to join them.

Ricksheadtilt Sun 17-Jul-16 16:44:36

For what my opinion is worth I think you're right. I would make the same decision and I would also feel as guilty.
I wish I could offer an alternative. Are any of the kids able to play in your garden with dd where you can keep an eye?

SukeyTakeItOffAgain Sun 17-Jul-16 16:45:42

Can you take her somewhere? The park or something? Somewhere with a stream?

You do present a very sad picture of her standing at the window sad

jelliebelly Sun 17-Jul-16 16:47:41

Yanbu but can't you take her out somewhere to have fun as a family instead?

drinkyourmilk Sun 17-Jul-16 16:49:05

I would let her out, with instructions that if rough housing starts she's to come in. It may well be a rough area, but it's her current home.
Maybe sit outside yourself and read a book so you can keep an eye on her?

MyKingdomForBrie Sun 17-Jul-16 16:52:49

Christ it's a beautiful day, if you can't let her play out then take her back out, that's just so mean.

thecatsarecrazy Sun 17-Jul-16 16:55:12

Mine are 7 and 9 and I don't let them play out in the street. I'm just not comfortable with it. There are 2 young children out now playing where cars pull in and out.

AgentProvocateur Sun 17-Jul-16 16:55:50

You can't keep her in all summer. If you're not going to let her go out - and I understand why, but I think I would - then you need to take her to a park or something.

You say that you, your DH and your other DD avoid people as much as possible. This doesn't sound a healthy environment for your children to grow up in, and I wonder if this is influencing your decision. Plenty of children grow up playing outside in rough areas and have happy memories of doing so

DragonsEggsAreAllMine Sun 17-Jul-16 16:56:02

Mine aren't allowed out alone until age 11, they can play in garden and we have open house for friends but children need supervising. It's a lovely area so safer than other areas but not worth the risk.

usual Sun 17-Jul-16 16:56:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LotsOfShoes Sun 17-Jul-16 16:57:18

That's pretty sad but I get it. Take her back to the park, it is really unfair to keep a 9 year old inside on a day like this.

SukeyTakeItOffAgain Sun 17-Jul-16 16:59:41

Dragons why do you say it's not worth the risk if you're in an OK area?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Sun 17-Jul-16 17:03:53

Let her play out for short periods or go out to a park.

Lasagna Sun 17-Jul-16 17:05:24

sukey We live in a lovely area, the nicest part of our town, and 3 people got stabbed just round the corner in the space of the 5 years we've lived here. There was always strange men creeping around parks when my kids were young aswell and that 2 was in a lovely area. There is always a risk, especially with young kids, no matter what sort of area you live in.

usual Sun 17-Jul-16 17:05:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Sun 17-Jul-16 17:06:40

It's not as much fun but better than standing with her nose pressed against the window.

Natsku Sun 17-Jul-16 17:09:01

Drinkyourmilk's suggestion sounds good, seems really unfair to make her miss out on a waterfight on a summer's day

Dutchcourage Sun 17-Jul-16 17:12:03

Get a chair out and a book and go sit outside with her. Dh can play out on the front and you can keep an eye on her

Dutchcourage Sun 17-Jul-16 17:12:10


RebelRogue Sun 17-Jul-16 17:13:23

Can you let her out but in a set area,that you could supervise from the window/from the street? It doesn't have to be constant but popping out to check how she's doing might ease you fears. Do you have a garden? Can she have a few kids round to play?

FuckJeffGoldblumMan Sun 17-Jul-16 17:17:20

Aww let her out. I was brought up on a rough estate but loved playing with my friends in the streets

It's something kids should be doing. She has friends and is stood watching them through a window, she needs letting out

IceMountain Sun 17-Jul-16 17:24:16

I agree with you, op.

steppemum Sun 17-Jul-16 17:24:29

I would let her play out with stricter rules.
1. if the kids you are with start playign with the older teenagers, you need to come home
2. rough housing - come home
3. check in with me every 30/40/60 minutes (whatever you chose) She just has to stick her head round the door. It breaks the cycle of whatever she is doing, and gives her a means of opting out

I am assuming you don't have a garden? If you do have a garden, why not fill 2 buckets with water and get some plastic cups and get her to go and invite 3 kids round for a water fight. 2 on each side, one bucket and 2 cups each. You could add in a flag, so aim is to steal the other sides flag without getting wet.

If you are all introverts, you need to create space for your extrovert dd. I understand the hesitation about playing out, but the summer holidays are long, and she is going to get very bored.

ppeatfruit Sun 17-Jul-16 17:27:02

YABU You and your dh were playing out, when you were young and you're here to tell us, as my sister and brother were.. There will always be unpleasant kids (at school too where you definitely can't supervise her). Children have to have life experiences otherwise they will never learn how to cope with life.

goddessoftheharvest Sun 17-Jul-16 17:30:37

I'd let her out, but with many strict rules surrounding it (if the other children leave the park, come straight home. If older children come along, come straight home)

I used to stand at the skylight with a pair of binoculars to keep an eye on DD. Mad, but it worked. She's very good at self regulating now and will come home if there are kids she doesn't like. It sounds mad, but I think it's really important to play out, however I have horrendous anxiety so binoculars it was

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