To want another baby so desperately when DH doesn't?

(13 Posts)
Lauren1204 Sun 17-Jul-16 12:43:20

Been with my DH 3 years, we get married in 3 weeks (hence using DH!). He is 52, I am 30. We have a fantastic relationship. He has a DD and DS from previous relationship, I have 2 DDs that he has taken on as his own and he is an excellent stepdad, they love him to bits.

When we got together I knew that DH had had the snip. We had a brief conversation along the lines of 'maybe another baby' and he would have a reversal but this changed last year into DH saying definitely no more babies.

When I was with my ex I had 4 m/c, the last one at 16 wks after my ex hit me (can't prove it was him that caused it but same time 😞). I have never gotten over this. I feel like there is a huge hole in my heart that is ready for my 3rd baby that I never quite got.

I have only recently confided in my DH about that extent of my exs abuse towards me. No body else knows. He didn't know about the cause of last m/c and that I was 16 wks when it happened. Up until then I had never been to the cemetery where babies ashes were spread by the hospital. DH made me go and I felt much better for it. We stood there and I just sobbed for what could have been.

Every time I see a pregnant woman/baby/small child I feel so insanely jealous and angry. All I want is another baby. I don't know how to get past this knowing that DH doesn't? He is such a good man and I would never leave him but it's eating away at me inside.

branofthemist Sun 17-Jul-16 12:46:20

Did you have any help regarding the abuse and/or miscarriages?

Yanbu to want another baby. But it's not going to happen with your, almost, dh.

It sounds like you need to deal with your past. That may help you feel better about not having anymore children. Personally, I think you would still have these feelings if you have another child. It's the loss and abuse that you need to deal with.

flowers for you.

Marmighty Sun 17-Jul-16 12:49:14

flowers for you, so sorry to hear about your miscarriages. Before deciding on anything you would probably find it very helpful to speak to someone professionally and work through your grief about your baby and your abusive past relationship. That might then give you the tools to think about another baby from a positive frame of mind and to speak to your husband about it.

DragonsEggsAreAllMine Sun 17-Jul-16 12:57:26

You need to decide on this before getting married, if having another child means more to you than your fiancé and existing children then pull out now.

People who love each other don't force or pressure them in to something they don't want.

He has been honest with you and laid his cards on the table pre marriage.

Writerwannabe83 Sun 17-Jul-16 13:10:53

My DH told me two nights ago that he didn't want another baby and I was crushed. Our DS is 2yr 3m and I always imagined having a second baby and although I knew DH wasn't as keen as always thought it would still happen at some point. When he told me the other night that he only wanted to have the one child I was terribly upset though I tried not to show it.

He said he was worried I would resent him but I explained that his wish to not have another baby is just as valid as my wish to have another therefore I will just have to accept his decision.

I'm sorry you're in this situation OP and as another poster said, you need to work out whether it's a deal breaker. You are still young enough to meet someone else and have more children in the future if that is more important to you than marrying in the knowledge that you won't have another.

Lauren1204 Sun 17-Jul-16 13:11:48

I have never spoken to anyone about the issues I had in my previous relationship or about my m/c's. I never really wanted to admit that was happening to me and I kept a brave face for my DDs.

Dragons nothing means more to me than my daughters and fiancé. I have already said that I would never leave him. I was just asking for advice on how I get past the wanting need I have. I would never force him into anything, I am not that kind of person.

OlennasWimple Sun 17-Jul-16 13:14:46

I think you need some decent counseling to come to terms with your loss, rather than seeking to fill the gap with another baby (which may or may not work - you could still be left wanting something more)

flowers

katemiddletonsnudeheels Sun 17-Jul-16 13:16:43

Kindly, you have four children between you. Focus on them.

flowers

Wolpertinger Sun 17-Jul-16 13:25:58

Your DH sounds a wonderful and kind man and I'm glad you've found him and he has been so supportive. It's not unreasonable for him to feel that 4 children between you is enough. Just as it's not unreasonable for you to feel that you want another - you've been through a huge trauma, you've just been able to talk about it for the first time and of course you are in love.

Counselling probably is the way forward here - you've never had a chance to grieve properly and now you are with someone who allows you that safe place to do it and wouldn't it have been great if you could have met him first and not the ex... There's a lot to work through but I am sure you can do it flowers

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered Sun 17-Jul-16 14:59:59

flowers I'm sorry for what you've been through, you should perhaps look into counseling to help you deal with the grief.

However, I don't want to upset you but trying to paper over grief with a baby is not a good idea, either for you or the child. It's also unfair to your DH and the child to give him an unwanted baby. Plus, he's 52, which means he'll be 70 by the time the child is 18 - not really fair on the child, or him.

I hope you manage to deal with this, and that you can be happy with your two lovely DDs.

WutheringTights Sun 17-Jul-16 15:03:33

From a practical point of view, vasectomies aren't always reversible. If it was a long time ago there is no chance of a reversal working. All advice is that it should be considered permanent. Sorry to be harsh, but it is important that you don't get your hopes up and dwell on the idea of another child that probably isn't even a possibility medically speaking.

condaleeza Sun 17-Jul-16 15:08:19

You have 4 children between you, that should be enough.
It sounds as though you were never able to grieve properly over the last m/c so maybe that is the fundamental problem here.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sun 17-Jul-16 16:25:50

Logically:
There's a really chance he couldn't reverse the vasectomy
You have lost pregnancies in the past
You already have 4 children
He would be a very old dad
He doesn't want another child

The only reason to try is your desire which isn't shared by him.

Go and get some counselling to help you work through these feelings and the trauma from the past.

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