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AIBU to expect physical attraction on a first date?

(14 Posts)
rizlett Sun 17-Jul-16 11:35:51

Hi everyone - 'met' someone via a dating website - he has a great sense of humour, sounded really nice, appeared to have good values, open, honest and caring so arranged to meet for coffee. I know it's early days - we had a nice time and I felt he was very genuine but disappointingly I didn't feel physically attracted to him. He isn't ugly and neither of us are spring chickens so I am realistic about looks and have never been into the traditional tall, dark and handsome. Have you dated someone for a while and then developed a 'fancy' for them later or am I already on a hiding to nothing?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Sun 17-Jul-16 11:42:04

Ime there has to be a bit of a spark, if it's not there after a couple of dates I wouldn't pursue it personally. I think with on line dating you need to give it a second date just because nerves will play a part.

Noonesfool Sun 17-Jul-16 11:42:11

I think you know immediately if there's a spark.

I'd be tempted to give it another go and have wine this time to see if anything changes.

FindoGask Sun 17-Jul-16 11:51:23

I've never been on a proper date but I wasn't initially hugely attracted to my husband, he wasn't my type physically really. But I was drawn to him and we've been very happily married now for 12 years. Also, on the basis that I've developed some whopping crushes in my time on male friends and acquaintances that I didn't first find attractive, I would definitely say it's possible for attraction to develop over time.

But maybe it's different in a date situation because you're both hoping to be attracted to one another - and if it isn't there even when you're looking for it, maybe it won't be. I do know someone who has a "three date rule" for this sort of scenario - maybe worth giving that a go?

LokisUnderpants Sun 17-Jul-16 11:56:17

YABU. I spent significant time with DH with no immediate physical attraction (we were working on a project together). It wasn't until we really got to know each other that sparks flew. I still remember the first time he touched my bare skin. Was just my arm but I felt like I'd had an electric shock. The attraction was overwhelming so much so that we moved in together after 6 weeks. 10 years later we're still together and I think he's gorgeous.

MauledbytheTigers Sun 17-Jul-16 12:11:34

I've had more of a spark on 1st dates with other people than my DP yet here I am with him. So yes I think it can grow. I found him attractive objectively speaking but he wasn't my type personality or looks wise. Personally I think given the way you have described him, he deserves another date...he sounds like a decent guy who you got on with and that's not easy to find. I didn't have an instantaneous spark with DP but I liked him and now we do have sparks. Meanwhile a lot of the men I sparked with turned out to be knobs. It may not work out but I don't think there's any harm going on a 2nd date.

ZippyNeedsFeeding Sun 17-Jul-16 12:28:28

When i first met MrZippy, we were just friends for a long time. I found him interesting, fun and kind, but not really sexy. When we started a relationship, it took a couple of weeks for me to really feel the spark. Then I did, in a really big way and we were engaged about a week later and married 6 months after that.
We've been married for nearly 23 years now and we have four children. Plus lots of really good sex!

Ginkypig Sun 17-Jul-16 12:29:12

At first meeting I didnt look at dp and think wow I'm getting some of that smile although he was not ugly I just didn't feel it that's all.

But he was lovely and there was a great spark which made me attracted to him as a whole. as our connection grew my attraction for him both physically and to his personality grew. I eventually fancied the pants off him.

I look at him now and think to myself He is the absolutely sexiest handsome loveliest man, I absolutely adore him.

We've been together 14 years now and I know if we broke up tomorrow I'd be ok but I hope we don't as 99% of the time it's lovely being around him.

I will say though trying to force yourself to fancy somone you just don't won't work imo Iv tried that too! If it grows naturally because all the other parts fit then great if it doesn't then it's most probably a friendship.

dailymaillazyjournos Sun 17-Jul-16 12:29:27

I'd give it longer in case you find you begin to find him attractive as you get to know him a little more. He has so many good points it's worth another 2 or 3 dates to see if you feel any different about him).

rizlett Sun 17-Jul-16 12:44:40

Thank you all for your reassurance - thinking about having sex when I was with him and before we met gave me a tingle but that's probably because its been sooo long!
I don't drink Noonesfool but maybe a prosecco or two would seal the deal!
He did touch me LokisUnderpants - no frisson at all. I felt he was too touchy for a first date - wanted to hug and hold hands but our messaging had been good and I think he already felt very comfortable.
I've had plenty of sparks with knobs that turnout out to be twats too MauledbytheTigers.
So heeding your advice I'll arrange a second date - assuming he wants to.
WIBU to tell him that I liked him very much, felt there was no spark but didn't know if that would change in time?

RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers Sun 17-Jul-16 14:15:47

I think the fact you are asking this question is enough to suggest you should see him again, because you are second-guessing your own reactions, aren't you?

Of course you can't force there to be a spark if there isn't, and I do think you can get to a point where you try to will it into being (I know I have). But if he's a nice man, a second hour or two in his company isn't going to be a bad thing. After that, if there is still no spark, I think you have to be kind to him and give up on it.

trafalgargal Sun 17-Jul-16 14:25:55

If you tell him there's no spark but you'd like a second date please he's going to think you are nuts .......what would you think if a man said it to you?

Don't mention electricity just go on the second

alphabook Sun 17-Jul-16 14:35:57

I wasn't sure if I liked/fancied DH on our first date. He was super nervous and I didn't feel that spark. I gave him a chance and he slowly began to be more "himself". We've been together for 6 years and I fancy the pants off him and he's my best friend. If I believed in soul mates I'd say he was mine. But it definitely wasn't love at first sight.

OlennasWimple Sun 17-Jul-16 14:45:31

Don't tell him! Just have a couple more dates and see where things go

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